Trollslum Critique Thread
05-08-2013, 02:28 AM
Post: #1
Trollslum Critique Thread
This is mostly for the trolls that you intend to use for role playing with here. If you'd like critique for anything else, or are making an AU character, please go take it to the MSPA forum's official critique thread. For one, I am really not the person who is well-versed in critiquing characters, especially AU and special cases. Secondly, since they won't be role played here, at least not yet, there's really no reason to have 'em here.

Perhaps in the future once this small section grows, there will be more opportunities for roleplaying. But not yet.

The trolls you post here may be critiqued by anyone. Once you post it, you are acknowledging that we will speak our minds about it, and if you get upset about what is said, remember that we are only trying to help you improve.

That said, go ahead and post away. We are here to help.
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05-09-2013, 01:31 AM (This post was last modified: 05-09-2013 03:36 AM by HydraReaper.)
Post: #2
RE: Trollslum Critique Thread
Ok, well, if I am understanding the point of this thread right (Which I probably am, but I'm still cautious anyway) then we post W.I.P Troll profiles, right? I've been thinking about getting into this café stuff to have fun, roleplay and kill time incase I'm waiting for something so here is my W.I.P Troll profile! I based him somewhat off myself, but not entirely.

Sprite: (I'm going to need a sprite for my character. I'm utterly terrible at drawing things. I really don't mind his appearance, but I imagine him to be somewhat tall, with medium-length hair and a non-geeky look to his face. The other details you can go wild with on the sprite. Alsoalsoalsoalso, completely forgot to mention, but he does have headphones. Very important. Surely nobody wants loud music blaring in their face all the time? His sign...I don't mind. As long as it lines up with his interests, then go nuts with it.)

Name: Mavran Rarial.

Blood colour/Hex: Olive/??????

Gender: Male.

Age: 6 Solar Sweeps. (13 Human Years.)

TrollTag: radicalReaper

Quirk: He always types the letteR R in uppeR case. As well as this, he loves using woRds such as 'tubulaR', 'Rad' and 'ubeR'.

Strife Specibus: ScytheKind. (Currently holding: Plain ol' scythe.)

Fetch Modus: iTunes Modus. (All captchalogued items are sorted into specific genre's that the user may define. The user may also favourite up to five items. The modus has an extensive music-playing function. The user may define the settings as much as he wants but the default settings play a generic piece of music every time the user picks up an item, uses it or drops it. It is compatible with most common headphones and has a volume setting. EDIT: The modus has a total of 20 slots and can not hold items heavier or bigger then a 6-sweep-old Troll. Items that barely fit into the modus (Height OR Weight) will take 2 slots whereas items that seriously -struggle- to fit in (Height AND Weight) take 3 slots.)

Lusus: (Thinking of a fitting Lusus right now.)

Interests: Video Games, Music, FLARP, Roleplaying, Magic. (May go more into this, but those are his main interests.)

*God Tier: (Thinking of a fitting God Tier right now as well. He wouldn't be God Tier at the start, oh hell no, he'd be normal. :P)

*Game Land: Land of Magic and Music (LOMAM.)

I really need some suggestions on the fields I haven't filled in yet and obviously I need people to give their opinions on what fields I have filled in so far.
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05-09-2013, 06:30 AM
Post: #3
RE: Trollslum Critique Thread
Quote:Ok, well, if I am understanding the point of this thread right (Which I probably am, but I'm still cautious anyway) then we post W.I.P Troll profiles, right? I've been thinking about getting into this café stuff to have fun, roleplay and kill time incase I'm waiting for something so here is my W.I.P Troll profile! I based him somewhat off myself, but not entirely. Self-inserts generally don't make the best characters for a multitude of reasons.

Sprite: (I'm going to need a sprite for my character. I'm utterly terrible at drawing things. I really don't mind his appearance, but I imagine him to be somewhat tall, with medium-length hair and a non-geeky look to his face. The other details you can go wild with on the sprite. Alsoalsoalsoalso, completely forgot to mention, but he does have headphones. Very important. Surely nobody wants loud music blaring in their face all the time? His sign...I don't mind. As long as it lines up with his interests, then go nuts with it.)

Uhhhh, I don't think this is the thread for requesting sprites (is there even one for that????) but I don't know what the difference between a non-geeky and a geeky face would be. If you're having trouble with thinking of a symbol, I use this site myself.

Name: Mavran Rarial.

Blood colour/Hex: Olive/??????

Gender: Male.

Age: 6 Solar Sweeps. (13 Human Years.)

TrollTag: radicalReaper

Quirk: He always types the letteR R in uppeR case. As well as this, he loves using woRds such as 'tubulaR', 'Rad' and 'ubeR'. Pretty simple, hopefully in the full profile you can find a way to work that into the character. (Not that there's anything wrong with simple quirks)

Strife Specibus: ScytheKind. (Currently holding: Plain ol' scythe.) Scythes are terrible weapons for many reasons, starting with the fact that the blade is curved downwards instead of outwards. Plus, they they're held would make them ridiculously hard to use as weapons. Also, it's a really overused weapon with bad connotations. Consider bladeKind, ropeKind, lanternKind, basically anything else.

Fetch Modus: iTunes Modus. (All captchalogued items are sorted into specific genre's that the user may define. The user may also favourite up to five items. The modus has an extensive music-playing function. The user may define the settings as much as he wants but the default settings play a generic piece of music every time the user picks up an item, uses it or drops it. It is compatible with most common headphones and has a volume setting. EDIT: The modus has a total of 20 slots and can not hold items heavier or bigger then a 6-sweep-old Troll. Items that barely fit into the modus (Height OR Weight) will take 2 slots whereas items that seriously -struggle- to fit in (Height AND Weight) take 3 slots.) Fetch modii generally require something of the user before releasing their items, rather than limits on what they can hold. At the very least they should make it somewhat of a challenge to get the items out of the sylladex safely and easily.

Lusus: (Thinking of a fitting Lusus right now.) No real suggestions, but try thinking of what various animals represent. If all else fails, just start wikipedia'ing random animals.

Interests: Video Games, Music, FLARP, Roleplaying, Magic. (May go more into this, but those are his main interests.) I hope he knows magic is the fakest thing ever. FLARP is a rather overused interest as well, but that's just my opinion.

*God Tier: (Thinking of a fitting God Tier right now as well. He wouldn't be God Tier at the start, oh hell no, he'd be normal. :P)

*Game Land: Land of Magic and Music (LOMAM.)

I don't really know that much about him, so it's rather hard to critique him. You might want to try making an MSPA style intro for him, like many of the trolls in the trollslum have. Of course, since this is a WIP troll, I'll just assume you're doing that already.

Critique in red.

Where we're going we don't need fancherubs
[Image: Argumi.gif][Image: Famynn.gif][Image: Genosi.gif][Image: Gaveyo.gif]
[Image: Floaty.gif][Image: Deveii.gif][Image: Portec.gif][Image: lrduwpk]
[Image: Yarrex.gif]
Silvy Wrote:(my mouth is made of money because every joke i tell is pure gold)
Ocfos Wrote:[3:58:25 PM] Ocfos: Yes it is.
[4:02:07 PM] Ocfos: Breeding solve everything.
[4:02:15 PM] Ocfos: Just look at Africa.
[4:02:25 PM] Ocfos: Need help feeding the children? Get more.
[4:02:46 PM] Ocfos: Tell them to feed them.
[4:03:20 PM] Ocfos: And then you hvve a regurgilating suorce of energy
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05-09-2013, 07:58 AM (This post was last modified: 05-09-2013 08:52 AM by HydraReaper.)
Post: #4
RE: Trollslum Critique Thread
Alright, I read your critique and here are my replies to the red text:

The self-insert comment: I find roleplaying vastly different personalities a bit hard for me. This troll isn't a massive self-insert, oooooh no. He's just got a few things in common with me to make my time roleplaying as him much easier. This can be seen mainly in the interests department. My thinking is: It'd be easier to make interests in-line with yours because if you make your character interested in something that you yourself don't like, it's going to be harder to immerse yourself in the character, you know? There are some flaws to the logic, I understand, but that's how I generally think.

Sprite: Well, I understand this may not be the best thread for asking about a sprite, but I figured that since there was no proper thread here on asking for one and that I was posting my W.I.P profile I just bundled it in. EDIT: Missed out quite a bit of the response here. Oh well. About the geek/non-geek look, I do imagine him looking fairly normal. What I define as a geeky look is teeth that might imply my character has a lisp and also big ol' glasses. Perhaps we should have a sprite-request thread? If I should've PMed Hearts Boxcars or someone else who can do AlterniaBound sprites, then point me in the right direction and I'll PM him/her right away.

Quirk: I spent some time thinking about a quirk that doesn't make my text hard to read while also being unique/not-too-simple. I may have tripped over the simple-line here so how does this sound? 'AlwAys cApItAlIzEs vOwEls And thE lEttER R.' I figure this is simple in concept, but makes it unique in appearance. EDIT: While writing the end of my MSPA intro, I thought that perhaps when Mavran is mad, he caps-locks everything. He also gets mad talking about his lusus, because it's always snarky to him and kicks his ass. I realise what I made my lusus is sort of like a snarky asshole bro strider...who's a wolf. Yeah, strange.

Weapon: Yeah, I see what you mean with that. Thinking about it more, how does Hand-AxeKind sound? Short in range, but effective in use.

Fetch Modus: Alright, to go with the idea of making modii an ass to use properly, I'll make the following edit: Instead of a limited capacity, the iTunes modus has a tendency to crash at the worst of times and updates quite-bloody-often (Mostly random, but not constantly throughout the day unless I feel like tormenting my troll.)

Interests: Oh of course he knows magic is 250% absolute-fake, he just loves how magic is implemented in video games. I did put FLARP initially to make him seem more of a video-gamey person, but if it is overused, I'm not going to touch it with a 30 foot barge-pole. I hate using things that are overused. (I'm being a hypocrite arn't I? I dunno.)

Looking over the existing profiles and taking in your advice, I'll craft up a MSPA intro.

-------------------------MSPA INTRO-------------------

'You are now the W.I.P Troll.

Your name is MAVRAN RARIAL. You are an olive-blood (Like Nepeta), which in the hemospectrum, is decent at least. You're thankfully not a rustblood, but you're sadly not a highblood, though you are at the very least, SOMEWHAT FINE WITH THIS. You are 6 SOLAR SWEEPS OLD, which would translate into 13 YEARS OLD if this was some strange paradise planet with freaky fucked-up years but thankfully, that fiction doesn't exist. You don't serve any massive purpose just yet, due to your young age, but you hope to ACHIEVE SOMETHING GREAT IN THE FUTURE.

Your lusus is a rather rowdy Wolf (Would it be called a Barkbeast? Looked it up and it's meaning is Dog.) that looks SNARKY about literally EVERYTHING you do. On the topic of what you do, your INTERESTS are really NOT PRODUCTIVE IN THE SLIGHTEST. You play LOTS AND LOTS OF VIDEO GAMES to the point that it's your main hobby right now. You've played a lot of OLD AND NEW SYSTEMS ALIKE and know a lot of VIDEO GAMING HISTORY. Most people call you a NERD but you DON'T GIVE TWO BARKBEAST-SHITS ABOUT THAT. You mainly specialize in ROLEPLAYING GAMES and FIGHTING GAMES to the point where you LOVE how MAGIC IS IMPLEMENTED IN RPG'S even if it DOESN'T ACTUALLY EXIST and you STRIFE with your lusus often, but ALWAYS GET YOUR ASS HANDED TO YOU by him. You hope to beat him one day. To keep yourself MOTIVATED to strife again with your lusus, you LISTEN TO MUSIC A LOT. Your favourite genre's are METAL, ORCHESTRA and RETRO, since the only music you listen to is VIDEO-GAME MUSIC. To pass the time and immerse yourself in the worlds of some of your favourite video-games, you ROLEPLAY a lot ONLINE. Roleplaying is EXTREMELY FUN to you but you would NEVER EVER TOUCH FLARP because of how DANGEROUS it can be. You have a FEELING that your lusus DISAPPROVES of your NON-PRODUCTIVE nature by the way he LOOKS AT YOU. You suppose he knows that you are able to stuff PRODUCTIVE, but you're too OBSESSED about video-games and you are EXTREMELY LAZY BECAUSE OF THAT.

Your MODUS was originally a crappy TETRIS MODUS, but you were ABSOLUTE SHIT at tetris, so you switched it out for an ITUNES MODUS. While being given free reign on sorting out genre's for items and listing favourites, THE FUCKING THING UPDATES ALL THE BLOODY TIME AND CRASHES WHENEVER IT BLOODY ISN'T. It's a serious pain, you REALLY REALLY HOPE that it at least fixes the crash in one of the updates, but over time you feel that your hope has ALREADY JUMPED OUT OF THE WINDOW and DESCENDED 20 STORIES BEFORE HITTING THE GROUND.

Your STRIFE SPECIBUS is a fancy HAND-AXEKIND. You like axes because you were NEVER GOOD WITH SWORDS and it generally LOOKS 1000 TIMES MORE BADASS. You DON'T KNOW why you haven't switched to a LONG-AXEKIND though, maybe that's the EDGE you need to win a strife against that SNARKY FUCKING LUSUS.

Your trolltag is radicalReaper and yOU tEnd tO spEAk wIth bIAs fOR cERtAIn lEttERs bUt MAKE EVERYTHING CAPS-LOCK WHEN YOU'RE PISSED OFF OR TALK ABOUT THAT FUCKING LUSUS OF YOURS.'
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05-09-2013, 09:13 AM
Post: #5
RE: Trollslum Critique Thread
Thank you Overlard for attending to this. I must say I feel a lot better with someone here who is more knowledgable with these matters than I am. It really takes a load off knowing that you can always pop in and lend a hand. You're brilliant.
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05-09-2013, 09:38 AM (This post was last modified: 05-14-2013 07:35 AM by Overlard.)
Post: #6
RE: Trollslum Critique Thread
Quote:The self-insert comment: I find roleplaying vastly different personalities a bit hard for me. This troll isn't a massive self-insert, oooooh no. He's just got a few things in common with me to make my time roleplaying as him much easier. This can be seen mainly in the interests department. My thinking is: It'd be easier to make interests in-line with yours because if you make your character interested in something that you yourself don't like, it's going to be harder to immerse yourself in the character, you know? There are some flaws to the logic, I understand, but that's how I generally think. That's fine! Generally the problem with a lot of self-inserts is that the creator kinda doesn't want to let bad things happen to them? Or don't let the character itself develop at all? Things like that.

Sprite: Well, I understand this may not be the best thread for asking about a sprite, but I figured that since there was no proper thread here on asking for one and that I was posting my W.I.P profile I just bundled it in. EDIT: Missed out quite a bit of the response here. Oh well. About the geek/non-geek look, I do imagine him looking fairly normal. What I define as a geeky look is teeth that might imply my character has a lisp and also big ol' glasses. Perhaps we should have a sprite-request thread? If I should've PMed Hearts Boxcars or someone else who can do AlterniaBound sprites, then point me in the right direction and I'll PM him/her right away. I wouldn't know. There's a sprite thread on the MSPA forums, but you have to at least make a basic sprite on your own. They mostly just streamline and improve the looks of a sprite. Thread here.

Quirk: I spent some time thinking about a quirk that doesn't make my text hard to read while also being unique/not-too-simple. I may have tripped over the simple-line here so how does this sound? 'AlwAys cApItAlIzEs vOwEls And thE lEttER R.' I figure this is simple in concept, but makes it unique in appearance. EDIT: While writing the end of my MSPA intro, I thought that perhaps when Mavran is mad, he caps-locks everything. He also gets mad talking about his lusus, because it's always snarky to him and kicks his ass. I realize what I made my lusus is sort of like a snarky asshole bro strider...who's a wolf. Yeah, strange. It's an ok quirk, but it kinda comes off as a Gamzee clone. I mean, I know it's not, but any quirk that involves seemingly random capitalization all over the place tends to look like Gamzee. Plus it's annoying for some people to read. It's good to keep trying though! There's a small guide here if you want to take a look. Also, CAPS locking when angry is more of a generic thing every person does, so I wouldn't count it as a quirk.

Weapon: Yeah, I see what you mean with that. Thinking about it more, how does Hand-AxeKind sound? Short in range, but effective in use. Just call it axKind (unless you want him to use axeKind and attract the platonic hatred of every troll in a five mile radius) and you'll be good!

Fetch Modus: Alright, to go with the idea of making modii an ass to use properly, I'll make the following edit: Instead of a limited capacity, the iTunes modus has a tendency to crash at the worst of times and updates quite-bloody-often (Mostly random, but not constantly throughout the day unless I feel like tormenting my troll.) The issue with randomly occurring 'bad events' is that it makes it seem like a gimmick that'll only happen when you feel like it. Like if things really hit the fan, you might choose to just say "oh well it works just this once." It's a step in the right direction though! Maybe his modus requires all items to 'begin updating' when they're selected to be retrieved and then he has to wait a while for the item to actually be ejected. The more complex/bigger items need more time to 'update.'

Interests: Oh of course he knows magic is 250% absolute-fake, he just loves how magic is implemented in video games. I did put FLARP initially to make him seem more of a video-gamey person, but if it is overused, I'm not going to touch it with a 30 foot barge-pole. I hate using things that are overused. (I'm being a hypocrite aren't I? I dunno.) Nah.

Looking over the existing profiles and taking in your advice, I'll craft up a MSPA intro.

-------------------------MSPA INTRO-------------------

'You are now the W.I.P Troll.

Your name is MAVRAN RARIAL. You are an olive-blood (Like Nepeta), Never mention canon characters directly in a profile for a fantroll. If you're hurting for a hex code, you can download paint.net, which is a great program for beginning to work with sprites. You can use it to also make your own bloodcolors and get the hexcodes. (Like 436D00) which in the hemospectrum, is decent at least. You're thankfully not a rustblood, but you're sadly not a highblood, though you are at the very least, SOMEWHAT FINE WITH THIS. You might want to add a paragraph somewhere about how he actually feels on the hemospectrum. If he's ok with it, just say 'you don't have any issue with the system' or something similar around here.You are 6 SOLAR SWEEPS OLD, which would translate into 13 YEARS OLD if this was some strange paradise planet with freaky fucked-up years but thankfully, that fiction doesn't exist. You don't serve any massive purpose just yet, due to your young age, but you hope to ACHIEVE SOMETHING GREAT IN THE FUTURE. Like what? A certain position in the fleet? To be remembered for winning a HUGE BATTLE in the fleet? Goals are always nice.

Your lusus is a rather rowdy Wolf (Would it be called a Barkbeast? Looked it up and its meaning is Dog) It doesn't really matter for a profile, as long you get across what animal it exactly is. Try howlfiend, but barkbeast also works. that looks SNARKY about literally EVERYTHING you do. [color=#FF0000]How does a lusus look snarky? Trolls don't actually 'speak' to their lusii, they still talk like animals. Do you mean his custodian doesn't take anything he does seriously and treats him like a wriggler? (Also also, move this so it's actually with the paragraph about how he's interacting with his lusus)

New paragraph.On the topic of what you do, your INTERESTS are really NOT PRODUCTIVE IN THE SLIGHTEST. You play LOTS AND LOTS OF VIDEO GAMES to the point that it's your main hobby right now. You've played a lot of OLD AND NEW SYSTEMS ALIKE and know a lot of VIDEO GAMING HISTORY. Most people call you a NERD but you DON'T GIVE TWO BARKBEAST-SHITS ABOUT THAT. You mainly specialize in ROLEPLAYING GAMES and FIGHTING GAMES to the point where you LOVE how MAGIC IS IMPLEMENTED IN RPG'S even if it DOESN'T ACTUALLY EXIST I'll just change this to a new paragraph for grammar reasons. Also, does he actually do anything involving 'magic' outside of video games? Like, does he try to learn card tricks or pull hopbeasts out of a hat?

You STRIFE with your lusus often, but ALWAYS GET YOUR ASS HANDED TO YOU by him. You hope to beat him one day. To keep yourself MOTIVATED to strife again with your lusus, you LISTEN TO MUSIC A LOT. Your favourite genre's are METAL, ORCHESTRA and RETRO, since the only music you listen to is VIDEO-GAME MUSIC. To pass the time and immerse yourself in the worlds of some of your favourite video-games, you ROLEPLAY a lot ONLINE. Roleplaying is EXTREMELY FUN to you but you would NEVER EVER TOUCH FLARP because of how DANGEROUS it can be. You have a FEELING that your lusus DISAPPROVES of your NON-PRODUCTIVE nature by the way he LOOKS AT YOU. You suppose he knows that you are able to stuff be?PRODUCTIVE, but you're too OBSESSED about video-games and you are EXTREMELY LAZY BECAUSE OF THAT. So what kind of issues does he face in the real world because he's so obsessed with video games? I can't imagine that'd make him the healthiest troll on a world full of stabby mcmurder lovers. I'm not saying he needs to be a body builder, but it'd definitely make things harder. Might be interesting to see just how that actually affects his life on Alternia (and for the fleet in the future)

Your MODUS was originally a crappy TETRIS MODUS, but you were ABSOLUTE SHIT at tetris Irrelevant, so you switched it out for an ITUNES MODUS. While being given free reign on sorting out genre's for items and listing favourites, THE FUCKING THING UPDATES ALL THE BLOODY TIME AND CRASHES WHENEVER IT BLOODY ISN'T. It's a serious pain, you REALLY REALLY HOPE that it at least fixes the crash in one of the updates, but over time you feel that your hope has ALREADY JUMPED OUT OF THE WINDOW and DESCENDED 20 STORIES BEFORE HITTING THE GROUND.

Your STRIFE SPECIBUS is a fancy HAND-AXEKIND. You like axes because you were NEVER GOOD WITH SWORDS and it generally LOOKS 1000 TIMES MORE BADASS. You DON'T KNOW why you haven't switched to a LONG-AXEKIND though, maybe that's the EDGE you need to win a strife against that SNARKY FUCKING LUSUS. You can just axKind, there's not a ton of incredibly specific specubii. Jake doesn't have berettaKind or something, after all.

Your trolltag is radicalReaper and yOU tEnd tO spEAk wIth bIAs fOR cERtAIn lEttERs bUt MAKE EVERYTHING CAPS-LOCK WHEN YOU'RE PISSED OFF OR TALK ABOUT THAT FUCKING LUSUS OF YOURS.' All caps when angry, like I mentioned before, isn't really a quirk. Aside from Karkat. But he gets a special pass because he's canon and says literally everything in all caps. Why'd he pick a trolltag like that and why does he focus on those letters? Maybe you could work his video games/magic interests in there.
As a final note, you might want to somehow expand his interests? A person who only really has one major focus that consumes everything can be rather dull.

REDRUM REDRUM (Critique in red as usual)

Also, it's no trouble at all Yani! I'm just happy to help in some fashion. Thank you for the compliments tho i can add them to my all consuming ego.

Where we're going we don't need fancherubs
[Image: Argumi.gif][Image: Famynn.gif][Image: Genosi.gif][Image: Gaveyo.gif]
[Image: Floaty.gif][Image: Deveii.gif][Image: Portec.gif][Image: lrduwpk]
[Image: Yarrex.gif]
Silvy Wrote:(my mouth is made of money because every joke i tell is pure gold)
Ocfos Wrote:[3:58:25 PM] Ocfos: Yes it is.
[4:02:07 PM] Ocfos: Breeding solve everything.
[4:02:15 PM] Ocfos: Just look at Africa.
[4:02:25 PM] Ocfos: Need help feeding the children? Get more.
[4:02:46 PM] Ocfos: Tell them to feed them.
[4:03:20 PM] Ocfos: And then you hvve a regurgilating suorce of energy
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05-09-2013, 11:43 AM (This post was last modified: 05-11-2013 02:45 AM by Dudemaster47.)
Post: #7
RE: Trollslum Critique Thread
[Image: N5cCrVO.png][Image: zU6d0JU.png]

Your name is PEZTIS ARBEHZ and you are what could be best referred to as a PRODIGY.

You are extraordinarily intelligent, to degrees not reached by most trolls. Sure, you may not be the smartest person ever but you're pretty sure you are UP THERE. But, you must admit, this isn't NATURAL. You think it may have come to pass when you were a grub. You probably discovered a jadeblood's cache of mind honey and engorged yourself on it, and thus ended up SUPERCHARGING YOUR THINKPAN. Of course, as these sorts of things always come with a price, you...kinda pupated wrong. For starters, you're RIDICULOUSLY TINY. Literally clocking in at 4'6" and 55 pounds, you...didn't really grow too much. Not to mention your muscles didn't really...fully develop, you're VERY WEAK...and PRETTY SLOW, TOO. You're also VERY NEARSIGHTED. It wasn't so bad a few sweeps ago, but...it seems to get worse and worse by the sweep, and by now you're ALMOST BLIND without your SPECIAL SHADES...which of course, you wear mainly because YOU'RE VERY SENSITIVE TO LIGHT. You are also...somewhat heavily addicted to MIND HONEY. You've always been drawn to the stuff, and when you discovered you could boost your already substantial brain power with the stuff? You started consuming it regularly. And as you ate it more often, you kinda learned that you had to have more of it on regular intervals to keep up the effects...and then you tried not having it. And addictions being the powerful things they are, you found that you felt like your think pan was literally ROTTING AWAY with every moment, and your head felt like it would COLLAPSE IN ON ITSELF..and these were only the worst of the symptoms. For the last sweep, you've had to eat two jars a day just to keep from suffering from the withdrawl, and you have all but lost the ability to get any sort of mental boost from the stuff without doubling that intake...enough to make you VERY, VERY SICK. Still, you're still considerably smart without the drug-induced cognitive hypermode...

You've always been very interested in developing WEAPONS, especially PLASMA- AND ENERGY-BASED WEAPONRY. It's incredibly difficult, and you have spent all of your sweeps learning the techniques to properly harness energy and power to utilize them in the form of weaponry...and you're still a ways away from any sort of true success in the field. You spend a great deal of time researching the subject, and know almost everything there is to know on the subject of energy weapons. From designers to the weapons themselves, you're practically OBSESSED with it. You have had some limited success, although you have only been able to develop NON-LETHAL WEAPONRY so far. You have a vested interest in HOLOGRAPHIC PROJECTION as well, and frequently transform old projectors that you either find or purchase into 3-DIMENSIONAL PROJECTION DEVICES. You have been working on placing small, powerful projectors into your clothes. This is the latest of your attempts to create new and impressive ways to CONFUSE ANY WOULD-BE ATTACKERS. With them, and a special device in your shades to activate them, you are able to project HOLOGRAPHIC COPIES OF YOURSELF, which then begin running around randomly. It has very limited range, the clones only being able to move about five yards away from you before fading. Of course, you accounted for this in the design, and made sure that they wouldn't do that. However, these projectors are very easily damaged...really, anything from getting wet to light contact can heavily damage the projectors and disable them. In fact, you're very capable at working with various other machinery, although you really care more for weapons and projections than anything else. Other than your creative endeavors, you enjoy GAMING. While you prefer PUZZLE GAMES to anything else, you do enjoy mindlessly violent action games, and play them often with your MOIRAIL. When you aren't doing any of the above things, you spend a little bit of time training with a spear and an energy pistol that you designed. While you have trouble building strength or speed, you can use the spear fairly skillfully and use it as a last resort if you cannot drive someone or something away...you do have very practiced aim with your STINGER PISTOL, as you call it, since you tend to idly shoot small animals with it outside your hive when you're bored.

You have a tendency to be extraordinarily ARROGANT, having a tendency to treat others as INTELLECTUAL INFERIORS. You really make few distinctions to whom, although you generally treat seadwellers with respect. You have a habit of trying to play VERBAL DODGEBALL with other people, finding it funny when you can confuse them with your vocabulary and knowledge. Of course, you have no qualms about MAKING UP WORDS ENTIRELY in order to achieve this goal, although you will get somewhat DEFENSIVE if called out for this. You can be fairly PARANOID and TWITCHY at times, having difficulty trusting others, especially due to your weaknesses. Of course, you are very painfully aware of your physical limitations, and are constantly trying to improve them. Thankfully, your moirail is good at getting you out of your comfort zone, and you are good at keeping her from going to far with her obsessive boundary pushing. Your high place on the hemospectrum fuels your arrogance, and you treat anyone with the misfortune of being lower than you like absolute dir (although you . You do have one lowblooded friend who helps you with your computers and programming, however she is the ONLY ONE who is able of getting any sort of begrudging respect out of you. You have a tendency to OBSESS over small things, although while this helps you focus on minute details when working one your projects, it can get annoying in other situations where you may be distracted by some feature of another person that is off in some way. You can also be very COMPULSIVE, and usually feel like you are forgetting something. This tends to lead to you repeating simple actions like, say, locking your hive multiple times, or constantly arranging a group of objects on a table until they are absolutely perfect. You don't know WHY you do this, but you generally can't help it.

Your lusus is a RIPPERWASP, and despite your best efforts you can never seem to shake him or his overprotective tendencies. He's always buzzing around somewhere near you, making sure you stay safe, and frankly...it annoys the HELL out of you. Your fetch modus is the PUZZLE MODUS . You have two strife specibi, spearKind and pistolKind. Your spearKind specibus is taken up by a light spear, one small enough for you to use effectively and not be hindered by its weight. Your pistolKind specibus is taken up by your STINGER PISTOL. You haven't perfected the design yet, and it is unable to cause physical injury or lethal damage...however, its shots do cause intense, burning pain on contact. You use the trolltag pestilentSting and you alwayz talk with a weeeeeeird buzzy accent.

If you were to play a CERTAIN GAME with your friends, you would be the PRINCE OF SPACE in the LAND OF CYCLONES AND FROGS.
(spoilered for massive.)

tl;dr
Name: Peztis Arbehz
Blood: High Blue, #0021cb
Age: 6 5/6 Sweeps
Lusus: Ripperwasp
Fetch Modus: Puzzle
Specibus: spearKind, pistolKind
Trolltag: pestilentSting
Quirk: S=Z, gets a bit overdramaaaaaatic and buzzes when agitated.
Title: Prince of Space
Land: Land of Cyclones and Frogs (LOCAF)

Yes...I know the horns are massive in the normal sprite compared to the talksprite. That's not really what I care about so...just...ignore that.
Reply
05-09-2013, 12:04 PM
Post: #8
RE: Trollslum Critique Thread
Criques in red, as per standarde.

My only problem with the sprites is that I think the symbolic could do well with reflections on the shades. Other than that, looks pretty good.

Your name is PEZTIS ARBEHZ and you are what could be best referred to as a PRODIGY.

You are extraordinarily intelligent, to degrees not reached by most trolls. Sure, you may not be the smartest person ever but you're pretty sure you are UP THERE. But, you must admit, this isn't NATURAL. You think it may have come to pass when you were a grub. You probably discovered a jadeblood's cache of mind honey and engorged yourself on it, and thus ended up SUPERCHARGING YOUR THINKPAN. We don't really know what mind honey does other than make Sollux go insane, so this might be a bit risky to put. Of course, as these sorts of things always come with a price, you...kinda pupated wrong. For starters, you're RIDICULOUSLY TINY. Literally clocking in at 4'6" and 55 pounds, you...didn't really grow too much. Not to mention your muscles didn't really...fully develop, you're VERY WEAK...and PRETTY SLOW, TOO. You're also VERY NEARSIGHTED. It wasn't so bad a few sweeps ago, but...it seems to get worse and worse by the sweep, and by now you're ALMOST BLIND without your SPECIAL SHADES...which of course, you wear mainly because YOU'RE VERY SENSITIVE TO LIGHT. You are also...somewhat heavily addicted to MIND HONEY. You've always been drawn to the stuff, and when you discovered you could boost your already substantial brain power with the stuff? You started consuming it regularly. And as you ate it more often, you kinda learned that you had to have more of it on regular intervals to keep up the effects...and then you tried not having it. And addictions being the powerful things they are, you found that you felt like your think pan was literally ROTTING AWAY with every moment, and your head felt like it would COLLAPSE IN ON ITSELF..and these were only the worst of the symptoms. For the last sweep, you've had to eat two jars a day just to keep from suffering from the withdrawl, and you have all but lost the ability to get any sort of mental boost from the stuff without doubling that intake...enough to make you VERY, VERY SICK. Still, you're still considerably smart without the drug-induced cognitive hypermode... With all these negative effects, he'd be a very easy target. I'm sure you've thought of this, but it's kind of a wonder how he's survived this long.

You've always been very interested in developing WEAPONS, especially PLASMA- AND ENERGY-BASED WEAPONRY. It's incredibly difficult, and you have spent all of your sweeps learning the techniques to properly harness energy and power to utilize them in the form of weaponry...and you're still a ways away from any sort of true success in the field. You spend a great deal of time researching the subject, and know almost everything there is to know on the subject of energy weapons. From designers to the weapons themselves, you're practically OBSESSED with it. You have had some limited success, although you have only been able to develop NON-LETHAL WEAPONRY so far. You have a vested interest in HOLOGRAPHIC PROJECTION as well, and frequently transform old projectors that you either find or purchase into 3-DIMENSIONAL PROJECTION DEVICES. You have been working on placing small, powerful projectors into your clothes. This is the latest of your attempts to create new and impressive ways to CONFUSE ANY WOULD-BE ATTACKERS. With them, and a special device in your shades to activate them, you are able to project HOLOGRAPHIC COPIES OF YOURSELF, which then begin running around randomly. It has very limited range, the clones only being able to move about five yards away from you before fading. Of course, you accounted for this in the design, and made sure that they wouldn't do that. However, these projectors are very easily damaged...really, anything from getting wet to light contact can heavily damage the projectors and disable them. In fact, you're very capable at working with various other machinery, although you really care more for weapons and projections than anything else. Other than your creative endeavors, you enjoy GAMING. While you prefer PUZZLE GAMES to anything else, you do enjoy mindlessly violent action games, and play them often with your MOIRAIL. When you aren't doing any of the above things, you spend a little bit of time training with a spear and an energy pistol that you designed. While you have trouble building strength or speed, you can use the spear fairly skillfully and use it as a last resort if you cannot drive someone or something away...you do have very practiced aim with your STINGER PISTOL, as you call it, since you tend to idly shoot small animals with it outside your hive when you're bored.

You have a tendency to be extraordinarily ARROGANT, having a tendency to treat others as INTELLECTUAL INFERIORS. You really make few distinctions to whom, although you generally treat seadwellers with respect. You have a habit of trying to play VERBAL DODGEBALL with other people, finding it funny when you can confuse them with your vocabulary and knowledge. Of course, you have no qualms about MAKING UP WORDS ENTIRELY in order to achieve this goal, although you will get somewhat DEFENSIVE if called out for this. You can be fairly PARANOID and TWITCHY at times, having difficulty trusting others, especially due to your weaknesses. Of course, you are very painfully aware of your physical limitations, and are constantly trying to improve them. Thankfully, your moirail is good at getting you out of your comfort zone, and you are good at keeping her from going to far with her obsessive boundary pushing. Your high place on the hemospectrum fuels your arrogance, and you treat anyone with the misfortune of being lower than you like absolute dirt. (although you . You do have one lowblooded friend who helps you with your computers and programming, however she is the ONLY ONE who is able of getting any sort of begrudging respect out of you. You have a tendency to OBSESS over small things, although while this helps you focus on minute details when working one your projects, it can get annoying in other situations where you may be distracted by some feature of another person that is off in some way. You can also be very COMPULSIVE, and usually feel like you are forgetting something. This tends to lead to you repeating simple actions like, say, locking your hive multiple times, or constantly arranging a group of objects on a table until they are absolutely perfect. You don't know WHY you do this, but you generally can't help it.

Your lusus is a RIPPERWASP, and despite your best efforts you can never seem to shake him or his overprotective tendencies. He's always buzzing around somewhere near you, making sure you stay safe, and frankly...it annoys the HELL out of you. Your fetch modus is the [URL="http://www.mspaintadventures.com/?s=6&p=006076"]PUZZLE MODUS[/URL] . You have two strife specibi, spearKind and pistolKind. Your spearKind specibus is taken up by a light spear, one small enough for you to use effectively and not be hindered by its weight. Your pistolKind specibus is taken up by your STINGER PISTOL. You haven't perfected the design yet, and it is unable to cause physical injury or lethal damage...however, its shots do cause intense, burning pain on contact. You use the trolltag pestilentSting and you alwayz talk with a weeeeeeird buzzy accent.

If you were to play a CERTAIN GAME with your friends, you would be the PRINCE OF SPACE in the LAND OF CYCLONES AND FROGS.

This guy is pretty well thought-out developed from my point of view. The only thing that bothers me is all of those limitations, but with his Lusus, Holo-projectors, and a solid Moiraillegance, he should be good to go.

All that being said, this is my first time critiquing, so you may want to get a second opinion or two.
Reply
05-09-2013, 12:30 PM (This post was last modified: 05-09-2013 12:32 PM by Overlard.)
Post: #9
RE: Trollslum Critique Thread
(05-09-2013 11:43 AM)Dudemaster47 Wrote:  [Image: N5cCrVO.png][Image: yjLYWVA.png]

Your name is PEZTIS ARBEHZ and you are what could be best referred to as a PRODIGY. Age? Exact hue? The latter is more of a personal preference of where to put it, but he does need an actual age that isn't in the TL;DR.

You are extraordinarily intelligent, to degrees not reached by most trolls. Sure, you may not be the smartest person ever but you're pretty sure you are UP THERE. But, you must admit, this isn't NATURAL. You think it may have come to pass when you were a grub. You probably discovered a jadeblood's cache of mind honey and engorged yourself on it, and thus ended up SUPERCHARGING YOUR THINKPAN. Why would a jadeblood be hoarding mind honey? And all mind honey seems to do is overcharge powers. Which he doesn't have. Maybe he could have just hatched SUPER SMARTICLES. Of course, as these sorts of things always come with a price, you...kinda pupated wrong. For starters, you're RIDICULOUSLY TINY. Literally clocking in at 4'6" and 55 pounds, That's pretty underweight, I think. Yikes. you...didn't really grow too much. Not to mention your muscles didn't really...fully develop, you're VERY WEAK...and PRETTY SLOW, TOO. You're also VERY NEARSIGHTED. It wasn't so bad a few sweeps ago, but...it seems to get worse and worse by the sweep, and by now you're ALMOST BLIND without your SPECIAL SHADES...Too many ellipses help I am drowning which of course, you wear mainly because YOU'RE VERY SENSITIVE TO LIGHT. You are also...somewhat heavily addicted to MIND HONEY. You've always been drawn to the stuff, and when you discovered you could boost your already substantial brain power with the stuff? You started consuming it regularly. And as you ate it more often, you kinda learned that you had to have more of it on regular intervals to keep up the effects...and then you tried not having it. And addictions being the powerful things they are, you found that you felt like your think pan was literally ROTTING AWAY with every moment, and your head felt like it would COLLAPSE IN ON ITSELF..and these were only the worst of the symptoms. For the last sweep, you've had to eat two jars a day just to keep from suffering from the withdrawal, and you have all but lost the ability to get any sort of mental boost from the stuff without doubling that intake...enough to make you VERY, VERY SICK. Still, you're still considerably smart without the drug-induced cognitive hypermode...

Try to cut some of the ellipses out, and maybe cut some of the "fat" out of the profile. A profile way too long isn't gonna get read by a lot of people, and while that may not be the intent, I can't imagine it's very fun to go back and work through huge essays for every troll. Just list the weaknesses instead, though he kinda seems to have way too many to actually function on Alternia. As weak as he sounds, it sounds like a strong breeze might kill him by accident.

You've always been very interested in developing WEAPONS, especially PLASMA- AND ENERGY-BASED WEAPONRY. It's incredibly difficult, and you have spent all of your sweeps learning the techniques to properly harness energy and power to utilize them in the form of weaponry...and you're still a ways away from any sort of true success in the field. You spend a great deal of time researching the subject, and know almost everything there is to know on the subject of energy weapons. From designers to the weapons themselves, you're practically OBSESSED with it. You have had some limited success, although you have only been able to develop NON-LETHAL WEAPONRY so far. You have a vested interest in HOLOGRAPHIC PROJECTION as well, and frequently transform old projectors that you either find or purchase into 3-DIMENSIONAL PROJECTION DEVICES. You have been working on placing small, powerful projectors into your clothes. This is the latest of your attempts to create new and impressive ways to CONFUSE ANY WOULD-BE ATTACKERS. With them, and a special device in your shades to activate them, you are able to project HOLOGRAPHIC COPIES OF YOURSELF, which then begin running around randomly. It has very limited range, the clones only being able to move about five yards away from you before fading. Of course, you accounted for this in the design, and made sure that they wouldn't do that. However, these projectors are very easily damaged...really, anything from getting wet to light contact can heavily damage the projectors and disable them. In fact, you're very capable at working with various other machinery, although you really care more for weapons and projections than anything else. Other than your creative endeavors, you enjoy GAMING. While you prefer PUZZLE GAMES to anything else, you do enjoy mindlessly violent action games, and play them often with your MOIRAILDon't mention other trolls, this is his profile after all!. When you aren't doing any of the above things, you spend a little bit of time training with a spear and an energy pistol that you designed. While you have trouble building strength or speed, you can use the spear fairly skillfully and use it as a last resort if you cannot drive someone or something away...you do have very practiced aim with your STINGER PISTOL, as you call it, since you tend to idly shoot small animals with it outside your hive when you're bored.

Wow okay uh. So he builds weapons and has somehow put a projector into his outfit? That seems a bit of a stretch, even for a genius. This is Alternia, not the super omega advanced years of 3125. And wouldn't trolls already have energy weapons? Such as the one Eridan won in his FLARP campaign? He could just try to steal one from a highblood (though that would have horrific consequences).

Furthermore, it's just not all that interesting? He builds super advanced technology and also enjoys puzzle games. Also guns. Most of the paragraph seems dedicated to explaining how he can survive with the aforementioned weaknesses from the mind honey. Really, you could just have him be a smart jerk without any of this or that, so long as he has reasonable flaws. I suggest a bit of a re-do here in all honesty. Keep the super-smartness but find a way to make it fun and interesting to other trolls as well as yourself, rather than just a weapons inventor!


You have a tendency to be extraordinarily ARROGANT, having a tendency to treat others as INTELLECTUAL INFERIORS. You really make few distinctions to whom, although you generally treat seadwellers with respect. You have a habit of trying to play VERBAL DODGEBALL with other people, finding it funny when you can confuse them with your vocabulary and knowledge. Of course, you have no qualms about MAKING UP WORDS ENTIRELY in order to achieve this goal, although you will get somewhat DEFENSIVE if called out for this. Okay, I really like this. It's arrogant and underhanded, with bits of hypocrisy. Just wanted to say.You can be fairly PARANOID and TWITCHY at times, having difficulty trusting others, especially due to your weaknesses. Of course, you are very painfully aware of your physical limitations, and are constantly trying to improve them. Thankfully, your moirail is good at getting you out of your comfort zone, and you are good at keeping her from going to far with her obsessive boundary pushing. No other trolls! This is his time to shine! Your high place on the hemospectrum fuels your arrogance, and you treat anyone with the misfortune of being lower than you like absolute dirt (although you . You do have one lowblooded friend who helps you with your computers and programming, however she is the ONLY ONE who is able of getting any sort of begrudging respect out of you.) NO OTHER TROLLS hiss You have a tendency to OBSESS over small things, although while this helps you focus on minute details when working one your projects, it can get annoying in other situations where you may be distracted by some feature of another person that is off in some way. You can also be very COMPULSIVE, and usually feel like you are forgetting something. This tends to lead to you repeating simple actions like, say, locking your hive multiple times, or constantly arranging a group of objects on a table until they are absolutely perfect. You don't know WHY you do this, but you generally can't help it. So he's obsessive compulsive? Careful, that's treading dangerous water. Is it even a necessary addition to his character?

Your lusus is a RIPPERWASP Is that just a wasp? Or some sort of giant angry mutant wasp with shark teeth?, and despite your best efforts you can never seem to shake him or his overprotective tendencies. He's always buzzing around somewhere near you, making sure you stay safe, and frankly...it annoys the HELL out of you. So what does he actually do about the lusus? How did his lusus' over-protectiveness affect him growing up? Why not just trap the thing in a jar with airholes?
||
Your fetch modus is the PUZZLE MODUS . I'd suggest thinking of your own fetch modus to use for him. Copying the comic directly is usually a no-no.
||
You have two strife specibi, spearKind and pistolKind. Your spearKind specibus is taken up by a light spear, one small enough for you to use effectively and not be hindered by its weight. Your pistolKind specibus is taken up by your STINGER PISTOL. You haven't perfected the design yet, and it is unable to cause physical injury or lethal damage...however, its shots do cause intense, burning pain on contact. That's gonna make it hard for other people to attack him. Which is obviously the intent of weapons, but to some people it's going to come off as overpowered. One strife specibus is usually enough. Equius had three, but he only ever used one after all.
||
You use the trolltag pestilentSting and you alwayz talk with a weeeeeeird buzzy accent.

If you were to play a CERTAIN GAME with your friends, you would be the PRINCE OF SPACE in the LAND OF CYCLONES AND FROGS.
(spoilered for massive.)

tl;dr
Name: Peztis Arbehz
Blood: High Blue, #0021cb
Age: 6 5/6 Sweeps At that point he may as well be seven sweeps old completely.
Lusus: Ripperwasp
Fetch Modus: Puzzle
Specibus: spearKind, pistolKind
Trolltag: pestilentSting
Quirk: S=Z, gets a bit overdramaaaaaatic and buzzes when agitated.
Title: Prince of Space
Land: Land of Cyclones and Frogs (LOCAF)

I will also heave up some red for you.

Where we're going we don't need fancherubs
[Image: Argumi.gif][Image: Famynn.gif][Image: Genosi.gif][Image: Gaveyo.gif]
[Image: Floaty.gif][Image: Deveii.gif][Image: Portec.gif][Image: lrduwpk]
[Image: Yarrex.gif]
Silvy Wrote:(my mouth is made of money because every joke i tell is pure gold)
Ocfos Wrote:[3:58:25 PM] Ocfos: Yes it is.
[4:02:07 PM] Ocfos: Breeding solve everything.
[4:02:15 PM] Ocfos: Just look at Africa.
[4:02:25 PM] Ocfos: Need help feeding the children? Get more.
[4:02:46 PM] Ocfos: Tell them to feed them.
[4:03:20 PM] Ocfos: And then you hvve a regurgilating suorce of energy
Reply
05-09-2013, 12:37 PM
Post: #10
RE: Trollslum Critique Thread
Haha, thanks Overlard. You confirmed my doubts on the profile, so I'll cut back on some stuff and fix the inherent flaws with him, including the mind honey.

Also yeah, I imagined that ripperwasps were like giant angry wasps with shark teeth? I think they were mentioned once in the comic, but damned if I could find where.
Reply
05-09-2013, 12:51 PM (This post was last modified: 05-09-2013 12:55 PM by Hayarp.)
Post: #11
RE: Trollslum Critique Thread
I WAS HALFWAY THROUGH THIS WHEN LARDBUTT POSTED SO I'M POSTING THIS ANYWAY BECAUSE I DIDN'T WANNA WASTE THE EFFORT also more crit is usually a good thing ye? Gomen if I repeat a lot of stuff OL said. I like to crit things in this color.

(05-09-2013 11:43 AM)Dudemaster47 Wrote:  
Your name is PEZTIS ARBEHZ and you are what could be best referred to as a PRODIGY.

You are extraordinarily intelligent, to degrees not reached by most trolls. Sure, you may not be the smartest person ever but you're pretty sure you are UP THERE. But, you must admit, this isn't NATURAL. You think it may have come to pass I don't know if this is the phrase you're looking for. Come about, maybe? when you were a grub. You probably discovered a jadeblood's cache of mind honey and engorged yourself on it, and thus ended up SUPERCHARGING YOUR THINKPAN. Of course, as these sorts of things always come with a price, you...kinda pupated wrong. For starters, you're RIDICULOUSLY TINY. Literally clocking in at 4'6" and 55 pounds I don't like to put earth measurements in troll profiles. I'd suggest you add his height and weight to the tl;dr at the end and just end this as he's tiny. He's also freakishly underweight without real reason. A 13.3 BMI is something anorexics dream of. Just food for thought., you...didn't really grow too much. Not to mention your muscles didn't really...fully develop, you're VERY WEAK...and PRETTY SLOW, TOO. You're also VERY NEARSIGHTED. It wasn't so bad a few sweeps ago, but...it seems to get worse and worse by the sweep, and by now you're ALMOST BLIND without your SPECIAL SHADES...which of course, you wear mainly because YOU'RE VERY SENSITIVE TO LIGHT. You are also...somewhat heavily addicted to MIND HONEY. You've always been drawn to the stuff, and when you discovered you could boost your already substantial brain power with the stuff? You started consuming it regularly. And as you ate it more often, you kinda learned that you had to have more of it on regular intervals to keep up the effects...and then you tried not having it. And addictions being the powerful things they are, you found that you felt like your think pan was literally ROTTING AWAY with every moment, and your head felt like it would COLLAPSE IN ON ITSELF..and these were only the worst of the symptoms. For the last sweep, you've had to eat two jars a day just to keep from suffering from the withdrawl, and you have all but lost the ability to get any sort of mental boost from the stuff without doubling that intake...enough to make you VERY, VERY SICK. Still, you're still considerably smart without the drug-induced cognitive hypermode... The whole mind honey addiction feels off to me, but I can't really place why.

You've always been very interested in developing WEAPONS, especially PLASMA- AND ENERGY-BASED WEAPONRY. It's incredibly difficult, and you have spent all of your sweeps learning the techniques to properly harness energy and power to utilize them in the form of weaponry...and you're still a ways away from any sort of true success in the field. You spend a great deal of time researching the subject, and know almost everything there is to know on the subject of energy weapons. From designers to the weapons themselves, you're practically OBSESSED with it. You have had some limited success, although you have only been able to develop NON-LETHAL WEAPONRY so far. You have a vested interest in HOLOGRAPHIC PROJECTION as well, and frequently transform old projectors that you either find or purchase into 3-DIMENSIONAL PROJECTION DEVICES. You have been working on placing small, powerful projectors into your clothes. This is the latest of your attempts to create new and impressive ways to CONFUSE ANY WOULD-BE ATTACKERS. With them, and a special device in your shades to activate them, you are able to project HOLOGRAPHIC COPIES OF YOURSELF, which then begin running around randomly. It has very limited range, the clones only being able to move about five yards away from you before fading. Of course, you accounted for this in the design, and made sure that they wouldn't do that. However, these projectors are very easily damaged...really, anything from getting wet to light contact can heavily damage the projectors and disable them. Okay I understand the projection thing is an homage to when he had powers but it still feels really OP and the way you have it described is a little unbelievable. It just kinda treads into dangerous territory for me. In fact, you're very capable at working with various other machinery, although you really care more for weapons and projections than anything else. Other than your creative endeavors, you enjoy GAMING. While you prefer PUZZLE GAMES to anything else, you do enjoy mindlessly violent action games, and play them often with your MOIRAIL. When you aren't doing any of the above things, you spend a little bit of time training with a spear and an energy pistol that you designed. While you have trouble building strength or speed, you can use the spear fairly skillfully and use it as a last resort if you cannot drive someone or something away...you do have very practiced aim with your STINGER PISTOL, as you call it, since you tend to idly shoot small animals with it outside your hive when you're bored. I'm not really sure what the spear has to do with anything. If he has his pistol, why would he need a spear? I also don't feel like spears are that great of a weapon for somebody so small.

You have a tendency to be extraordinarily ARROGANT, having a tendency to treat others as INTELLECTUAL INFERIORS. You really make few distinctions to whom, although you generally treat seadwellers with respect. You have a habit of trying to play VERBAL DODGEBALL with other people, finding it funny when you can confuse them with your vocabulary and knowledge. Of course, you have no qualms about MAKING UP WORDS ENTIRELY in order to achieve this goal, although you will get somewhat DEFENSIVE if called out for this. You can be fairly PARANOID and TWITCHY at times, having difficulty trusting others, especially due to your weaknesses. Of course, you are very painfully aware of your physical limitations, and are constantly trying to improve them. Thankfully, your moirail is good at getting you out of your comfort zone, and you are good at keeping her from going to far with her obsessive boundary pushing. Your high place on the hemospectrum fuels your arrogance, and you treat anyone with the misfortune of being lower than you like absolute dir (although you . You help what is this do have one lowblooded friend who helps you with your computers and programming, however she is the ONLY ONE who is able of getting any sort of begrudging respect out of you. You have a tendency to OBSESS over small things, although while this helps you focus on minute details when working one your projects, it can get annoying in other situations where you may be distracted by some feature of another person that is off in some way. You can also be very COMPULSIVE, and usually feel like you are forgetting something. This tends to lead to you repeating simple actions like, say, locking your hive multiple times, or constantly arranging a group of objects on a table until they are absolutely perfect. You don't know WHY you do this, but you generally can't help it. I wouldn't mention other trolls in his profile if I were you. This is generally meant to be an introduction for him, tell his personality, and that sort of thing. In my experience, mentioning other trolls (even quadrants) tends to take away from that. The obsessions and compulsions also feel like a really last-minute addition to his character and I really think it's unneeded. I hate characters with mental disorders in general, though.

Your lusus is a RIPPERWASP, and despite your best efforts you can never seem to shake him or his overprotective tendencies. He's always buzzing around somewhere near you, making sure you stay safe, and frankly...it annoys the HELL out of you. Your fetch modus is the PUZZLE MODUS . You have two strife specibi, spearKind and pistolKind. Your spearKind specibus is taken up by a light spear, one small enough for you to use effectively and not be hindered by its weight. Your pistolKind specibus is taken up by your STINGER PISTOL. You haven't perfected the design yet, and it is unable to cause physical injury or lethal damage...however, its shots do cause intense, burning pain on contact. What's the reason for giving him two specibi, particularly two that are so different from each other? You use the trolltag pestilentSting and you alwayz talk with a weeeeeeird buzzy accent.

If you were to play a CERTAIN GAME with your friends, you would be the PRINCE OF SPACE in the LAND OF CYCLONES AND FROGS.
(spoilered for massive.)

tl;dr
Name: Peztis Arbehz
Blood: High Blue, #0021cb Can I just say I really like the fact that he's not anon for a silly reason anymore
Age: 6 5/6 Sweeps Ridiculous fractions like this make me sad. Just make him "just under 7 sweeps" or something.
Lusus: Ripperwasp
Fetch Modus: Puzzle
Specibus: spearKind, pistolKind
Trolltag: pestilentSting
Quirk: S=Z, gets a bit overdramaaaaaatic and buzzes when agitated.
Title: Prince of Space
Land: Land of Cyclones and Frogs (LOCAF)

One thing I see is that it's awfully long... And the paragraphs are pretty big. I'd really suggest re-reading it and condensing whatever you can condense, or at least spacing it out a little better so it's not all basically WALL OF TEXT. I'd also suggest fewer ellipses. It seems to be a thing of yours, but it just looks odd in the profile used so frequently. I have ADHD, so getting through this bio was really difficult for me and I probably would have just skipped over it just for its length if I was scrolling through the profile thread. Just something to keep in mind.

Hah. Never expected to see me here again did you?

[Roleplaying Tumblr]
[Image: Kattgroup.gif]
floaties by overlard!
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05-09-2013, 02:11 PM (This post was last modified: 05-11-2013 02:45 AM by Dudemaster47.)
Post: #12
RE: Trollslum Critique Thread
Alright, so I made edits. Took out a bunch of stuff and cut back a lot, as well as trying to change up the interests.


[Image: N5cCrVO.png][Image: zU6d0JU.png]

Your name is PEZTIS ARBEHZ and at almost SEVEN SWEEPS OLD, you are what could be best referred to as a PRODIGY.

You are extraordinarily intelligent, to degrees not reached by most trolls. Sure, you may not be the smartest person ever but you're pretty sure you are UP THERE. Although, you're also RIDICULOUSLY TINY. Literally clocking in at 4'6" and about 76 pounds, you are scrawny in practically every regard and very weak by most physical standards. You're also VERY NEARSIGHTED and cannot see anything about a foot away from your face clearly. You are pretty fast when it comes to reflexes and speed, though. When the going gets a tad too rough for you, you're always up for RUNNING AWAY.

You've always been very interested in developing WEAPONS, especially PLASMA- AND ENERGY-BASED WEAPONRY. While such things do exist on Alternia, their uncommonness and the fact that they tend to be mostly in the possession of the HIGHEST OF BLOODS makes it extremely difficult to get a hold of any to study extensively. However, you still work tirelessly at it and have achieved some success in making a NON-LETHAL ENERGY PISTOL. It's still a prototype, and you are still trying to calibrate it to cause physical damage. At the moment, it is only capable of causing pain and stunning small animals like nutbeasts (squirrels). Which comes to your second hobby, which is taking POT SHOTS at whatever furry creatures live around your hive when you are bored, one that comes from having a surplus of nutbeasts in your lawnring and a surplus of ennui all the time. You also collect MIRRORS, for no real reason other than that you are OBSESSED with your appearance and cannot get enough of looking at yourself. Your hive is practically a maze of mirrors, and you seem to always be carrying a small hand mirror on you at all times.

You also know quite a bit about machines in general, and are very capable of working with robotics and machines on a very competent level. However, you rarely ever care for actually building any kind of machine, and instead are more interested in IMPROVING SEPARATE PARTS. Because of this, you will frequently tinker with various machine parts and see how you can make them work better. You also have a habit of carrying around various PUZZLES and MIND GAMES. You tend to get somewhat bored when things are not stimulating your intellect, and taking out and messing with these brain benders tends to provide enough challenge to keep you from nodding off or something. Of course, you do have a tendency of getting bored by those who are not quite as smart as you...

You have a tendency to be extraordinarily ARROGANT, having a tendency to treat others as INTELLECTUAL INFERIORS. You really make few distinctions to whom, although you generally treat seadwellers with respect. You have a habit of trying to play VERBAL DODGEBALL with other people, finding it funny when you can confuse them with your vocabulary and knowledge. Of course, you have no qualms about MAKING UP WORDS ENTIRELY in order to achieve this goal, although you will get somewhat DEFENSIVE if called out for this. You are also extremely VAIN, caring quite a bit about trivial things such as your APPEARANCE, your HAIR, and various ACCESSORIES. However, your fashion sense is QUESTIONABLE at best, leading you to generally LOOK RIDICULOUS. You can be fairly PARANOID and TWITCHY at times, having difficulty trusting others, especially due to your weaknesses. Of course, you are very painfully aware of your physical limitations, and are constantly trying to improve them. Your high place on the hemospectrum fuels your arrogance, and you treat anyone with the misfortune of being lower than you like absolute dirt.

Your lusus is a RIPPERWASP, a gigantic wasp with a nasty barbed stinger and a bad attitude, and despite your best efforts you can never seem to shake him or his overprotective tendencies. He's always buzzing around somewhere near you, making sure you stay safe, and frankly it annoys the HELL out of you. Your fetch modus is the PUZZLE MODUS. Your strife specibus is pistolKind, it being taken up by your STINGER PISTOL. You haven't perfected the design yet, and it's unable to cause physical injury or lethal damage. However, its shots do cause a caustic and burning pain on contact, and feel something like pouring a beaker of hydrochloric acid on a paper cut. You use the trolltag pestilentSting and you alwayz talk with a weird buzzy accent.

If you were to play a CERTAIN GAME with your friends, you would be the PRINCE OF SPACE in the LAND OF CYCLONES AND FROGS.

tl;dr
Name: Peztis Arbehz
Blood: High Blue, #0021cb
Age: Almost 7 Sweeps
Lusus: Ripperwasp
Fetch Modus: Puzzle
Specibus: spearKind, pistolKind
Trolltag: pestilentSting
Quirk: S=Z, buzzzzzzes when agitated.
Title: Prince of Space
Land: Land of Cyclones and Frogs (LOCAF)


He's still underweight, although I've made it so his BMI is now 18.3, which is not quite as extreme. No more addiction, since it was a bit odd...unless I should keep it and just make it less contrived? The ellipses have been removed except for one (which I kept for implications I guess?), the interests are somewhat more interesting I guess.

And the stinger pistol's pain has been specified, and a shot basically feels like a paper wasp sting. Not enough to disable someone but enough to make them reconsider attacking, especially with repeated fire.

Or, you know, piss them off. Depends on the person, really.


Anyway, how is it now?
Reply
05-09-2013, 02:54 PM
Post: #13
RE: Trollslum Critique Thread
It's significantly improved. (I really like the addition of shooting at squirrels). I still don't like putting the earth measurements directly in his profile, but it's personal preference, really. Same with the age, silly fractions like that are a bit of a pet peeve. (would you hear a human describe themselves as 16 and 5/6 years old?) Other than some awkward wording in places, though, the profile looks a lot better to me.

Hah. Never expected to see me here again did you?

[Roleplaying Tumblr]
[Image: Kattgroup.gif]
floaties by overlard!
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05-09-2013, 03:00 PM
Post: #14
RE: Trollslum Critique Thread
To be fair, we don't know if trolls have their own system of measurement for things like height and weight, but I get what you're trying to say.
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05-09-2013, 06:17 PM (This post was last modified: 05-09-2013 06:50 PM by HydraReaper.)
Post: #15
RE: Trollslum Critique Thread
Alriiiiiiiight then, now that I've woken up, time to look at my second batch of critique.

Answer to critique about my own responses:

Sprite - Hm, I'll check the thread sooner or later, but considering how things are, I'll work on getting a sprite last because frankly the other parts of my profile need more attention.

Quirk - Haha, I see what you mean about Gamzee. I had absolutely no intention of being like Gamzee which you understand, but it does look like it doesn't it? Well, I looked at the quirk guide and I'm currently undecided on a fitting quirk. I'm probably going to leave that until I have the interests and other parts of my troll nailed down (Barring the sprite).

Weapon - Oh god, okay. I'll rename it from Hand-AxeKind to AxKind.

Modus - Hey, that's actually a good idea. I understand how you feel about randomly-occuring-mishaps, because it can be subtly abused to only fuck up when the character isn't busy. Alright how does this sound: Instead of the updates and crashes randomly occuring, every time an item is used, the modus starts updating the item so it can be safely sent out. The update time varies on the size and complexity of the object. If the user tries to close the updater before it finishes, the modus errors and the item is literally thrown onto the ground, thus it is not recommended for users with short tempers.

Interests - Goodgoodgood.

Answer to critique about my MSPA Intro:

First paragraph - Alright, thanks for the hex-code help. I'll remove the Nepeta stuff. I'll expand on his feelings regarding the hemospectrum and I'll mention what his goals are, which is to help win a major battle for the fleet. I'll note that due to his growing age, he's bound to change that goal of his into something different, but that is what he has right now. (This is to test the hexcode. EDIT: Alright, this'll be the color I use. It's green and just the shade I want, so that's awsome. EDIT2: Changed it to more of an olive color. The code is 669933)

Lusus - Okay, sorry for bundling it in with the interests paragraph. At the time, I didn't think of stuff to talk about my Lusus that would fit a 3-4 line paragraph. Howlfiend sounds nice, it sounds trollish too, so I'll use that. And about the snarky stuff....I did look up Lusus and other things relating to them on the MSPA-wiki, but I couldn't mind all too much that helped me. Thanks for informing me about this stuff, I'll change what my Lusus is like so it doesn't make people raise eyebrows.

Interests, first part - He doesn't do anything relating to magic tricks or wizard-stuff outside of video games. He does understand magic is fake and something that video games created. He would love if magic was a real thing, but it isn't so he puts up with that.

Interests, second part - Bleh, sorry about the typing mistake there, it was meant to be 'be PRODUCTIVE' instead of whatever I put there. And issues...well, the two major ones I can think of is that he wouldn't be the best hygiene wise. Not the dirtiest, but looks like he doesn't wash all the time. Greasy hair, clothes he wears for a long time, moderate stuff like that. He'd also not have much in terms of social skills and thus really isn't good around strangers, though if that stranger becomes his friend/moirall/matesprit/whatever, then he'll open up and stuff. Shy, picks only a few real friends, keeps to himself most of the time, stuff like that. EDIT: I may include TCG's or Anime into his interests. If anime, I'm going to note that he has particular favor for characters that are incredibly fast and kick serious ass. If TCG's, I'll probably do yu-gi-oh or maybe even Magic the Gathering, if that's even a real TCG in the troll universe. Considering how little we know about that in particular (only that Pokemon exists as Fiduspawn) I'd say they do exist, but I could be wrong.

Modus - It was meant really as flavor text, but I'll cut it out.

Strife - Alright. I'm changing it to just AxKind anyway so it's fine.

Quirk - Okay. Well, I can't think of a quirk that relates to him right now, so I'll focus on getting a stable profile down before focusing on the sprite and quirk. I might change his trolltag, not sure.

I'd also like to note that while I do have a lot of experience actually roleplaying, this is the first ever time I'm making a fantroll to RP with. While not entirely the excuse for my mistakes that are filled in my profile, I feel that it does explain some parts.
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05-10-2013, 12:30 AM (This post was last modified: 05-11-2013 07:07 AM by HydraReaper.)
Post: #16
RE: Trollslum Critique Thread
PART 2 TO MY RESPONSE:

Alright, I've basically just finished my work today and I've typed up version 3 of my profile. I also made a sprite and I have to say, considering I believe myself to be terrible (Plus I've never used paint.net before) I am very proud of what I did....even if it was just editing a few things (See: Horns and hair.) and template the rest (See: Everything else but the symbol, which I made myself.). Edit: Don't think I can make an AlterniaBound sprite, because I really can't.

Edit2: I forgot to put headphones on my character. Darn. Well, either way, if anyone makes an AlterniaBound sprite for him, he'd have headphones on. Can't have that loud music making itself known for everyone in the vicinity, mhm?
------------------------------------------

Be the W.I.P Troll.

[Image: 16i64z.jpg]

You are MARVAN BELRAX. You are 7 SWEEPS OLD and you are an OLIVE-BLOOD, which means you are in the MIDDLE of the hemospectrum. You are SOMEWHAT OKAY with this because while highbloods are still above you in the hemospectrum, you arn't a rustblood so you don't have to live like a beggar. You are NOT a HEMOFANATIC at all, but you do acknowledge that you should pay attention to highbloods should they talk to you and that lowbloods shouldn't be a douchebag towards you.

Your INTERESTS are quite plentiful and keep you busy most days. Your first one is WRITING. You absolutely LOVE writing stories, espiecally FANTASY ones, ACTION ones and even ones about LEGISLACERATORS at times. You haven't written a full story yet, as you sometimes SCRAP your ideas to start anew, convinced you've learned at least something from it. To help with your writing as well as relax, you play a lot of VIDEO-GAMES. You've played BOTH OLD and NEW systems alike, but you FAVOR the newer systems for the new things they can do with STORY TELLING. You also like WATCHING ANIME, but you arn't a complete nut for it. Along with those two forms of media, you ROLEPLAY quite a lot ONLINE and use it as a way to develop your CHARACTER-BUILDING SKILLS. Incase you need to let off some anger for whatever reason or perhaps mimic your favourite characters, you STRIFE a lot with your rowdy HOWLBEAST of a lusus. You sometimes beat him, but most of the time he KICKS YOUR ASS, which is why one of your horns is PARTIALLY BROKEN. Finally, you listen to a ton of MUSIC whenever you're strifing, writing or roleplaying online. You pick out music from video-games or anime just about ALL THE TIME and it really helps you GET MOTIVATED. You would absolutely love to HELP WRITE STORIES FOR VIDEO-GAMES and it is your one goal in life.

Your modus is an iTunes modus for now. You are allowed to hold AS MANY ITEMS as you wish as long as they are NOT AS HEAVY OR TALL as you, you can sort them into your own SELF-MADE GENRE'S and you can pick up to 5 FAVOURITES. The modus recognizes when you're getting into a strife and plays VARIOUS FITTING MUSIC TRACKS which you have HANDPICKED yourself. It also plays small SNIPPETS of music every time you PICK UP an item, which can GET ON YOUR NERVES a bit, but isn't too bad, as you can be RATHER PICKY about what you hold even though you have a lot of space. Unfortunately, the ABSOLUTELY BATSHIT INSANE thing about this modus is that whenever you use an item or drop it, the modus does a USELESS BULLSHIT UPDATE. The time it takes depends on the item, but it's still an ABSOLUTE PAIN to put up with, because if you try to close the updater, the item is sent CRASHING ONTO THE GROUND, which can easily SMASH fragile objects.

Your strife specibus is currently a x2AxKind, due to the DOUBLE HAND-AXES you wield. You like them more then swords, because you think they are SO MUCH MORE BADASS and you were NEVER GOOD WITH SWORDS anyway. You think you are PRETTY GOOD with these axes, but you still have MUCH TO LEARN, because you are somewhat PREDICTABLE and your weapons have SHORT RANGE.

Your trolltag is wordsmithGamer and you space--your--words--out--carefully--so--people--can--see--them--clearly.


-----------------------------------------------------

Name: Marvan Belrax.
Blood colour/Hex: Olive-blood. #669933
Gender: Male.
Age: 7 Solar Sweeps old. (15 human years rounded down.)
TrollTag: wordsmithGamer
Quirk: Seperates all words with a -- instead of a space and uses very short third-person emotes often. Correct spelling, grammar and punctuation otherwise. 'Like--this.--You--see?' (Edit: Removed the pointless emoticon and emoting part of my quirk, I think the double-hyphons are enough.)
Strife Specibus: AxKind (Currently x2AxKind.).
Fetch Modus: iTunes Modus. (See above for details.)
Lusus: Howlbeast. (Wolf.)
Interests: Writing, Video-games, Anime, Music, Strifing, Roleplaying.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Sorry if the caps-locking of important words is a bit iffy, I'm still getting used to that. I hope this is better then my previous two attempts! I don't mind if I don't get an alterniabound sprite for my character, because I am pretty happy with my normal sprite. I would love to have one of course, but it isn't mandatory.

Edit: I was under the impression that double-posting merged the two posts together. It seems that is not the case. Perhaps recent posts merge together? I am not sure. Either way, sorry about the double-post there.
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05-11-2013, 06:55 AM (This post was last modified: 05-11-2013 06:57 AM by Dudemaster47.)
Post: #17
RE: Trollslum Critique Thread
Okay, threw this together. How is it?

[Image: N3D8nR3.png][Image: J7SX4Pn.png]

Your name is KEREIG DINGAM, and you consider yourself to be the BEST OF THE BEST when it comes to SWORDPLAY.

Frankly, this is the case because you spend almost all of your time training. Your work ethic is nothing short of the STUFF OF LEGENDS, and you will frequently spend more than half a night at a time working on improving every aspect of your swordsmanship and physical prowess. That, combined with the rough terrain and vicious flora and fauna of your forest home, has caused you to be EXTREMELY PHYSICALLY FIT. However, you are admittedly NOT VERY SMART. Most complicated concepts elude you, and you have trouble learning new (non-fighting-related) things without someone taking a lot of time to help you through the steps of them.

You have an extreme fondness for SWORDS AND SHIELDS, and collect them obsessively. Big ones, small ones...whenever you get any sort of money, it immediately goes into buying some sort of new sword and shield combo to put on display in your hive. To fund your expensive and excessive hobby, you offer your services to highbloods as a SELL-SWORD. You can provide protection, assassinate targets, and all the various other similar jobs. It was doing this that led you to your secondary weapon, the BOW AND ARROW. After taking it from a rather difficult target as a trophy, you learned the ins-and-outs of the weapon, and use it to snipe dangerous animals around your home from a distance so you can train more safely. You also enjoy MAKING AND REPAIRING YOUR OWN CLOTHES. This is not, however, related to anything fashion related. Instead, you design outfits that are lightweight and made to camouflage you in the forest in order to better protect yourself from any sort of wildlife that may be looking for trolls to eat, as well as provide good maneuverability for fighting and general movement.

You have a vested interest in the game of FLARP, and have all but mastered the BOY SKYLARK class. It shows, as your usual outfit is merely a MODIFIED VERSION of the class's usual attire. While your old partner had a nasty accident that dissuaded her from continuing with the game, you keep at it, and seem to ALWAYS BE LOOKING FOR SOMEONE NEW TO PLAY WITH. You have an active imagination, and are inherently drawn to ALL THINGS FANTASY. You enjoy reading, and while it does give you some trouble you still pursue it heavily when you have free time. You are a fan of FANTASY GAMES as well, especially obvious due to the STRIKING RESEMBLANCE you bear to a CERTAIN VIDEO GAME CHARACTER. This is more than a coincidence, and if brought up, you will admit to liking that particular series a BIT MORE THAN WHAT COULD BE CONSIDERED HEALTHY. As a result of your heavy immersion in fantasy stories and games, you have an embarrassing dream of one day RESCUING A PRINCESS, and being her KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOR. Of course, you would never tell anyone this.

You respect the hemospectrum above ALL ELSE. You would never dare to insult or disobey a troll that is higher than you, unless of course you were told to do so by a troll who is EVEN HIGHER. However, you have no qualms with those lower than you, although you may be somewhat DISMISSIVE of them if you find their company less than enjoyable. You can be something of a SUCK-UP, and prefer to avoid conflict whenever possible. You have a very polite demeanor, and conduct yourself in a manner befitting of the ALTERNIAN KNIGHTS, an elite fighting force of the military that you someday hope to join. If challenged to battle, you will always fight to the last breath, be it yours or the other person's. However, you STRONGLY DISLIKE KILLING, and will only do it if necessary or if required. You care very little of what other people think of you, for the most part, and can frequently MAKE A TOTAL FOOL OUT OF YOURSELF, especially due to your LIMITED INTELLIGENCE. You are very easily confused, although you do try not to let that get the better of you.

Your lusus is a fearsome BATTLERAPTOR, a fierce and aggressive bird of prey who aids you in your training and encourages you to push yourself. He has also imbued in you a STRICT SENSE OF HONOR AND CHIVALRY, and ensures that you do not stray from the realms of morality and proper conduct...which usually includes some rather vicious beatings. You use the INVENTORY MODUS, a modus which allows you to use three items at any time with no restrictions. However, after selecting which three to use, you are stuck with them for several hours until you can change them again. You have two strife specibi, swd&shdKind (sword&shieldKind), and bowKind, your weapons of choice being your trusty KNIGHTSWORD in one hand and your ever-reliable SHIELD in the other, and your PRIZED BOW. Your trolltag is placidInsurgent and thou talkst in a most flow'ry and poetic manner.

If you and your four friends were to play a CERTAIN GAME, you would clearly be the PAGE OF TIME in the LAND OF MASKS AND CLOCKS.

tl;dr
Name: Kereig Dingam
Blood Color: [color="#008141"]Jade, #008141[/color]
Age: 7 1/2 Sweeps
Lusus: Battleraptor
Fetch Modus: Inventory
Strife Specibus: swd&shdKind, bowKind
Trolltag: [color="#008141"]placidInsurgent[/color]
Quirk: Ye Olde English
Title: Page of Time
Land: Land of Masks and Clocks (LOMAC)

Some notes:
-He's not a guaranteed win or capable of doing any crazy stunts in fights, it's just noted that he has a high skill level.
-He's probably going to be using that poetic Shakespeare stuff wrong. This is on purpose.
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05-11-2013, 08:58 AM
Post: #18
RE: Trollslum Critique Thread
Okay, to be honest I feel quite happy with my profile now so I am going to post it into the profiles section and begin RPing. If there is any major critique like lore mistakes, I'll do my best to weave it into the RP and profile. If anything minor/small then I can probably just put up with it or like I said before, change it.

P.S: I'm sorry dudemaster, I don't think I'd be a good person to critique your troll in full, though I will say that your troll being a jade blood is strange to me. As far as I remember, Jade bloods are female only and extremely rare. I could be wrong here, though. I do like the obvious inspiration for your character though!
Reply
05-11-2013, 12:44 PM
Post: #19
RE: Trollslum Critique Thread
As far as the comic goes, there's nothing saying anything about gender exclusivity. But jadebloods are rare, yeah.
Reply
05-20-2013, 03:02 PM (This post was last modified: 05-21-2013 12:53 AM by madcapDarkness.)
Post: #20
RE: Trollslum Critique Thread
Hey, ya'll. I'm new here, and I think before I do anything RP related, I should post my fantroll here for review. All criticism is welcome!

==> Be the hip Mint-Blood
[]>< Sounds wonderful!

... WHERE is shE?


[Image: ujj2LRx.png]

Your name is AIRFEI RINLOC. You're the wonderful age of 5.9 SOLAR SWEEPS, but you just say you're 6. It's easier.

To even think about describing you, it's WORTH NOTING that your ATTENTION SPAN isn't... The greatest. You tend to FORGET MANY THINGS, and become easily confused. However, despite this, you continue to keep a positive attitude and chipper demeanor on life, or at least what you know about it at any given moment.

Other than that obvious trait, you like to consider yourself ORGANIZED, HIP and FLASHY. Sure, your fashion is nowhere near the standard, but you really like it. It screams "you".

[]><YoU!

Your interests are VAGUE AT BEST, including things such as Fighting-Related VIDEO GAMES, WALKING AND AEROBICS, the interests and quirks of your peers, and SWIMMING. This works well with your HIVE'S placement, by a lake. Ever since your EARLY DAYS, you've been splashing around inside that little water body and it's always going to have a place in your bloodgusher. Within your SMALL, SHACK-LIKE HIVE is your RESPITEBLOCK and that of your SCALEBEAST LUSUS. It also gives you a nice and peaceful place to forget pretty much everything negative, which of course is no challenge. Your FASHION SENSE stems from a desire to recreate a lot of things you've seen in media, and you enjoy considering it a nice aspect of your personality.

The RIBBONS mounted on your LOVELY EARMUFFOTOP serve as data strips, storing what you have remembered in a NON-TANGIBLE ASPECT for later use, provided your EARMUFFOTOPS are actually working and not hogging at least a whole battery per five minutes. When they are, this data is displayed in a holographic display via projectors inside, but this display can only be shown for a few seconds at a time, afterwards requiring charging once more. Also, they're FASHIONABLE! Yay!

If you were ever to fight, you'd be using some worn-out GUN FANS, expanding fans that with a clench of the handle can fire a bullet from the tip of the screen. You file these under FANKIND, alongside your SIMON modus. Upon retrieval of an item, the modus makes a 6-note tone, and you must mimic it with a provided board to obtain the item. While it seems like an unlikely match, it keeps you on your toes and helps to fine-tune your absentmindedness.
Your TROLLIAN HANDLE is flightyWhat. You []>< Speak with your sign first, and capitalize the FIRST and LAST letters of each sentence, as well as words relating to TIME and PLACEMENT, and the 5 w's and H. []>< Language skills are importanT!

IF you were to play A CERTAIN GAME, you would be the PAGE OF MIND, residing in the LAND OF QUESTION MARKS AND GLASS.

I feel like I left out a LOT, so please let me know what needs to go in, be changed and otherwise fixed. See ya!

(Edit: S---B Title fixed)
(Edit 2: Spelling error fixed. Strife specibus, fetch modus and earmuffotop information added.)
Reply
05-20-2013, 05:51 PM
Post: #21
RE: Trollslum Critique Thread
(05-20-2013 03:02 PM)madcapDarkness Wrote:  IF you were to play A CERTAIN GAME, you would be the PAGE OF SOUND

This is really my only problem. Like I stated above, I'm really not one for critiquing. I leave that to more capable people that know what they're doing.

But this.. I honestly do not see any purpose nor merit in fan-made classes/aspects. The canon ones suit everything that S***B needs; I'm not sure why the fandom thought we needed more.

It's not something that I think you should change; I just would point out the fact that not everyone is going to agree with you on it.
Reply
05-20-2013, 11:23 PM (This post was last modified: 05-20-2013 11:33 PM by madcapDarkness.)
Post: #22
RE: Trollslum Critique Thread
(05-20-2013 05:51 PM)Yani Wrote:  
(05-20-2013 03:02 PM)madcapDarkness Wrote:  IF you were to play A CERTAIN GAME, you would be the PAGE OF SOUND

This is really my only problem. Like I stated above, I'm really not one for critiquing. I leave that to more capable people that know what they're doing.

But this.. I honestly do not see any purpose nor merit in fan-made classes/aspects. The canon ones suit everything that S***B needs; I'm not sure why the fandom thought we needed more.

It's not something that I think you should change; I just would point out the fact that not everyone is going to agree with you on it.

I understand what you're saying. On the mspa fora, S---B titles and such were posted in trollfiles, for the most part with fanon titles. Thanks for your input.

(Edit: Reworked my response because I misread Yani's post)
Reply
05-22-2013, 10:10 AM
Post: #23
RE: Trollslum Critique Thread
(05-20-2013 03:02 PM)madcapDarkness Wrote:  
Hey, ya'll. I'm new here, and I think before I do anything RP related, I should post my fantroll here for review. All criticism is welcome!

==> Be the hip Mint-Blood
[]>< Sounds wonderful!

... WHERE is shE?


[Image: ujj2LRx.png]

I'm almost 100% sure this was made with that weird base sprite that crawled from the bowels of dA. Use these instead. The canon ones are still easy to manipulate, but are...well, just plain better looking.

Your name is AIRFEI RINLOC. You're the wonderful age of 5.9 SOLAR SWEEPS, but you just say you're 6. It's easier. Why even have her be 5.9 sweeps old then?

To even think about describing you, it's WORTH NOTING that your ATTENTION SPAN isn't... The greatest. You tend to FORGET MANY THINGS, and become easily confused. However, despite this, you continue to keep a positive attitude and chipper demeanor on life, or at least what you know about it at any given moment. So how does that affect her? If she forgets things, wouldn't that be a little dangerous? What if she forgot to keep a weapon on her? Or forgot to clean her hive so much that it became a garbage dump? Try and think of how these traits would actually affect her life and personality, or they'll just look tacked on.

Other than that obvious trait, you like to consider yourself ORGANIZED, HIP and FLASHY. Sure, your fashion is nowhere near the standard, but you really like it. It screams "you". Trolls think fashion in general is stupid. Her looks would more likely get her ostracized.

[]><YoU! Cute, but irrelevant and disrupts flow.

Your interests are VAGUE AT BEST, including things such as Fighting-Related VIDEO GAMES, WALKING, AND AEROBICS, the interests and quirks of your peers, and SWIMMING. Trolls generally only have three "main" interests. Other diverging interests can be hinted at or briefly mentioned, but just focus on three.This works well with your HIVE'S placement, by a lake. Ever since your EARLY DAYS Trolls are nocturnal., you've been splashing around inside that little water body and it's always going to have a place in your bloodgusher. Within your SMALL, SHACK-LIKE HIVE is your RESPITEBLOCK and that of your SCALEBEAST LUSUS. It also gives you a nice and peaceful place to forget pretty much everything negative, which of course is no challenge. Your FASHION SENSE stems from a desire to recreate a lot of things you've seen in media, and you enjoy considering it a nice aspect of your personality. Again, fashion = stupid for almost every troll. How does her enjoyment of fashion affect her life? Wouldn't other trolls mock her? Does she go out of her way to acquire better material for clothing? Etc.

The RIBBONS mounted on your LOVELY EARMUFFOTOP serve as data strips, storing what you have remembered in a NON-TANGIBLE ASPECT for later use, provided your EARMUFFOTOPS are actually working and not hogging at least a whole battery per five minutes. When they are, this data is displayed in a holographic display via projectors inside, but this display can only be shown for a few seconds at a time, afterwards requiring charging once more. Also, they're FASHIONABLE! Yay!

Huh? That sounds like something that would be made while in SGRUB. Trolls simply don't have that kind of technology, or if they do, it's doubtful anyone less than a seadweller would have it. I'm not even sure what kind of data she's even storing either. Maybe she just writes everything down if she's so forgetful...?

If you were ever to fight, you'd be using some worn-out GUN FANS, expanding fans that with a clench of the handle can fire a bullet from the tip of the screen. ???? That doesn't even sound like a plausible weapon. How would it even be loaded? Handle recoil? And what does it have to do with her interests? You file these under FANKIND, alongside your SIMON modus. Upon retrieval of an item, the modus makes a 6-note tone, and you must mimic it with a provided board to obtain the item. While it seems like an unlikely match, it keeps you on your toes and helps to fine-tune your absentmindedness.

Nothing wrong with the modus, really. But it just kinda lacks creativity? Nor does it seem to be particularly difficult or interesting. Most fetch modii are specifically irritatingly difficult.

Your TROLLIAN HANDLE is flightyWhat Rather short and dull. A lot of trolltags are made with large words, or at least something with more meaning than 'what.' Consider a thesaurus for assistance.. You []>< Speak with your sign first, and capitalize the FIRST and LAST letters of each sentence, as well as words relating to TIME and PLACEMENT, and the 5 w's and H. []>< Language skills are importanT!

Why does she capitalize the first and last letters of each sentence? And five w's? And H?

IF you were to play A CERTAIN GAME, you would be the PAGE OF MIND, residing in the LAND OF QUESTION MARKS AND GLASS.

Lands are generally just Land of [THING] and [THING], not Land of [THING THING] and [THING]. Nepeta was a special exception to make a pun.

Pages are possibly a male only class, by the way.


I feel like I left out a LOT, so please let me know what needs to go in, be changed and otherwise fixed. See ya!

How does her lusus affect her life? How did it raise her? How do other trolls view her? Why is she even interested in fashion in the first place? I don't think mint is even a color on the spectrum, though it does look rather close to teal. Maybe she should just be a teal blood?

Overall it would help if you elaborated on how all her interests interact and how she acts.


(Edit: S---B Title fixed)
(Edit 2: Spelling error fixed. Strife specibus, fetch modus and earmuffotop information added.)

Critique in red.

Where we're going we don't need fancherubs
[Image: Argumi.gif][Image: Famynn.gif][Image: Genosi.gif][Image: Gaveyo.gif]
[Image: Floaty.gif][Image: Deveii.gif][Image: Portec.gif][Image: lrduwpk]
[Image: Yarrex.gif]
Silvy Wrote:(my mouth is made of money because every joke i tell is pure gold)
Ocfos Wrote:[3:58:25 PM] Ocfos: Yes it is.
[4:02:07 PM] Ocfos: Breeding solve everything.
[4:02:15 PM] Ocfos: Just look at Africa.
[4:02:25 PM] Ocfos: Need help feeding the children? Get more.
[4:02:46 PM] Ocfos: Tell them to feed them.
[4:03:20 PM] Ocfos: And then you hvve a regurgilating suorce of energy
Reply
05-23-2013, 12:05 PM
Post: #24
RE: Trollslum Critique Thread
(05-22-2013 10:10 AM)Overlard Wrote:  
(05-20-2013 03:02 PM)madcapDarkness Wrote:  
Hey, ya'll. I'm new here, and I think before I do anything RP related, I should post my fantroll here for review. All criticism is welcome!

==> Be the hip Mint-Blood
[]>< Sounds wonderful!

... WHERE is shE?


[Image: ujj2LRx.png]

I'm almost 100% sure this was made with that weird base sprite that crawled from the bowels of dA. Use these instead. The canon ones are still easy to manipulate, but are...well, just plain better looking.

Your name is AIRFEI RINLOC. You're the wonderful age of 5.9 SOLAR SWEEPS, but you just say you're 6. It's easier. Why even have her be 5.9 sweeps old then?

To even think about describing you, it's WORTH NOTING that your ATTENTION SPAN isn't... The greatest. You tend to FORGET MANY THINGS, and become easily confused. However, despite this, you continue to keep a positive attitude and chipper demeanor on life, or at least what you know about it at any given moment. So how does that affect her? If she forgets things, wouldn't that be a little dangerous? What if she forgot to keep a weapon on her? Or forgot to clean her hive so much that it became a garbage dump? Try and think of how these traits would actually affect her life and personality, or they'll just look tacked on.

Other than that obvious trait, you like to consider yourself ORGANIZED, HIP and FLASHY. Sure, your fashion is nowhere near the standard, but you really like it. It screams "you". Trolls think fashion in general is stupid. Her looks would more likely get her ostracized.

[]><YoU! Cute, but irrelevant and disrupts flow.

Your interests are VAGUE AT BEST, including things such as Fighting-Related VIDEO GAMES, WALKING, AND AEROBICS, the interests and quirks of your peers, and SWIMMING. Trolls generally only have three "main" interests. Other diverging interests can be hinted at or briefly mentioned, but just focus on three.This works well with your HIVE'S placement, by a lake. Ever since your EARLY DAYS Trolls are nocturnal., you've been splashing around inside that little water body and it's always going to have a place in your bloodgusher. Within your SMALL, SHACK-LIKE HIVE is your RESPITEBLOCK and that of your SCALEBEAST LUSUS. It also gives you a nice and peaceful place to forget pretty much everything negative, which of course is no challenge. Your FASHION SENSE stems from a desire to recreate a lot of things you've seen in media, and you enjoy considering it a nice aspect of your personality. Again, fashion = stupid for almost every troll. How does her enjoyment of fashion affect her life? Wouldn't other trolls mock her? Does she go out of her way to acquire better material for clothing? Etc.

The RIBBONS mounted on your LOVELY EARMUFFOTOP serve as data strips, storing what you have remembered in a NON-TANGIBLE ASPECT for later use, provided your EARMUFFOTOPS are actually working and not hogging at least a whole battery per five minutes. When they are, this data is displayed in a holographic display via projectors inside, but this display can only be shown for a few seconds at a time, afterwards requiring charging once more. Also, they're FASHIONABLE! Yay!

Huh? That sounds like something that would be made while in SGRUB. Trolls simply don't have that kind of technology, or if they do, it's doubtful anyone less than a seadweller would have it. I'm not even sure what kind of data she's even storing either. Maybe she just writes everything down if she's so forgetful...?

If you were ever to fight, you'd be using some worn-out GUN FANS, expanding fans that with a clench of the handle can fire a bullet from the tip of the screen. ???? That doesn't even sound like a plausible weapon. How would it even be loaded? Handle recoil? And what does it have to do with her interests? You file these under FANKIND, alongside your SIMON modus. Upon retrieval of an item, the modus makes a 6-note tone, and you must mimic it with a provided board to obtain the item. While it seems like an unlikely match, it keeps you on your toes and helps to fine-tune your absentmindedness.

Nothing wrong with the modus, really. But it just kinda lacks creativity? Nor does it seem to be particularly difficult or interesting. Most fetch modii are specifically irritatingly difficult.

Your TROLLIAN HANDLE is flightyWhat Rather short and dull. A lot of trolltags are made with large words, or at least something with more meaning than 'what.' Consider a thesaurus for assistance.. You []>< Speak with your sign first, and capitalize the FIRST and LAST letters of each sentence, as well as words relating to TIME and PLACEMENT, and the 5 w's and H. []>< Language skills are importanT!

Why does she capitalize the first and last letters of each sentence? And five w's? And H?

IF you were to play A CERTAIN GAME, you would be the PAGE OF MIND, residing in the LAND OF QUESTION MARKS AND GLASS.

Lands are generally just Land of [THING] and [THING], not Land of [THING THING] and [THING]. Nepeta was a special exception to make a pun.

Pages are possibly a male only class, by the way.


I feel like I left out a LOT, so please let me know what needs to go in, be changed and otherwise fixed. See ya!

How does her lusus affect her life? How did it raise her? How do other trolls view her? Why is she even interested in fashion in the first place? I don't think mint is even a color on the spectrum, though it does look rather close to teal. Maybe she should just be a teal blood?

Overall it would help if you elaborated on how all her interests interact and how she acts.


(Edit: S---B Title fixed)
(Edit 2: Spelling error fixed. Strife specibus, fetch modus and earmuffotop information added.)

Critique in red.

God almighty, I did pretty bad. I'm new to the scene, so shit happens I guess. It'll take me a bit, but I'll edit this when I've fixed the profile.

Thanks, Overlard!
Reply
05-25-2013, 01:16 PM
Post: #25
RE: Trollslum Critique Thread
So I finally redid Kyniko's profile. This is sure to be one helluva roller coaster. And no, I'm not good at longer profiles, I tend to write way more than needed when I write long stuff.
[Image: talksprite_by_okami_masuta-d64dgrs.png]

Your name is Kyniko Listis, a 7-sweep old Olive Blood ((#416600)), and you consider yourself one of the finest hunters in Alternia. Your lusus didn't raise you to be the best for nothing, bless his soul.

Your life is pretty good, considering you live in a den the size of a small shack in the middle of the outback without a lusus and even more lusii always on the prowl. You never need much money, considering everything you need is either running around outside or hanging from trees.

Other than hunting, your interests are rather scarce. You enjoy being outdoors, and find it hard to stay inside for long periods of time. Even if it's just a quick step outside, it makes all the difference. The only time you find it somewhat tolerable is when something good is on TV. You absolutely love a good adventure movie, although your idol is Troll Steve Irwin. You don't consider yourself a drinker, but you do every so often enjoy a glass of alcohol, especially whiskey. You also have a large collection of knives and daggers.

Since it can get lonely in the outback, you like meeting new people. So, you make sure to be kind and polite to whoever you meet, lowblood or highblood. Sure, you would obey those of higher castes than you for the most part, but everyone is really equal in your eyes. Despite your views, you can have a low patience and be a bit hotheaded at times, and could even end up insulting a seadweller without realizing it.

Your strife specibus is 2xknifekind, and your fetch modus is Animal Call. Each card is assigned an animal, and you must imitate its call to retrieve it. It helps your tracking skills, but can be a little awkward at times in public. Your trolltag is lupinePredator an' ya 'ave a bitta an Aussie accent.

Name: Kyniko Listis
Blood colour/Hex: Olive/ #416600
Gender: Male
Age: 7 sweeps
TrollTag: lupinePredator
Quirk: Begins with >>;o=♂, t=↑; Otherwise normal. 'As a bi↑↑a' an Aussie accen↑ an' slang.
Strife Specibus: 2xknifekind
Fetch Modus: Animal Call- Every item is represented by a different animal silhouette, and in order to get the item, you must imitate the animal's call.
Lusus: Dingo (Deceased)
Interests: Hunting, daggers and knives, being outdoors, adventure shows, and the occasional glass of alcohol.
Personality: Generally kind and friendly to everyone. Can be somewhat hotheaded and low on patience.
Bio in a nutshell: Lives in the outback in a small den, where he and his lusus lived. His lusus taught him everything about hunting. He was killed by Kyniko as a final test of his skill.
Reply
05-27-2013, 05:32 AM (This post was last modified: 05-27-2013 05:35 AM by Hayarp.)
Post: #26
RE: Trollslum Critique Thread
Crit in this color under spoiler.

(05-25-2013 01:16 PM)OkamiMasuta Wrote:  
[Image: talksprite_by_okami_masuta-d64dgrs.png]

Your name is Kyniko Listis, a 7-sweep old oliveblood ((#416600)), and you consider yourself one of the finest hunters in Alternia. Your lusus didn't raise you to be the best for nothing, bless his soul. I sorta understand what you mean to imply with this line but it's awkwardly worded. I'd maybe replace it with something like "After all, your lusus (bless his soul) did raise you to be the best."

Your life is pretty good, considering you live in a den the size of a small shack in the middle of the outback without a lusus and even more lusii always on the prowl. You never need much money, considering everything you need is either running around outside or hanging from trees.

Other than hunting, your interests are rather scarce. You enjoy being outdoors, and find it hard to stay inside for long periods of time. Even if it's just a quick step outside, it makes all the difference. I feel like "Even a quick step outside makes all the difference" might flow better here, but feel free to ignore me on that if you're going for a particular style or something. The only time you find it somewhat tolerable is when something good is on TV. You absolutely love a good adventure movie, although your idol is Troll Steve Irwin. You don't consider yourself a drinker, but you do every so often enjoy a glass of alcohol, especially whiskey. You also have a large collection of knives and daggers. All of his interests are hunting/outdoorsman related, it seems. While it's nice to have a theme, a character with no interests outside of this theme can tend to feel a little gimmicky. The interest in certain movies is a good start.

Since it can get lonely in the outback, you like meeting new people. So, you make sure to be kind and polite to whoever you meet, lowblood or highblood. Sure, you would obey those of higher castes than you for the most part, but everyone is really equal in your eyes. How is everyone equal in his eyes if trolls are raised to believe in the hemospectrum? Please elaborate on how this came to be. Also, does he meet most trolls through pesterchum or in person? This could change how he acts toward them. Despite your views, you can have a low patience and be a bit hotheaded at times, and could even end up insulting a seadweller without realizing it. Nice except not nice sometimes is a very overdone stereotype. I like that you made him rude instead of insane or evil. Though you might add here what happens if he does insult a seadweller. Does he continue being argumentative or is he apologetic?

Your strife specibus is 2xknifekind, I'd really suggest changing this to just knifeKind. 2xweaponkinds are really sort of silly. and your fetch modus is Animal Call. Each card is assigned an animal, and you must imitate its call to retrieve it. It helps your tracking skills, but can be a little awkward at times in public. Your trolltag is lupinePredator an' ya 'ave a bitta an Aussie accent.

There's not much I really see wrong with it except it just falls kinda flat. There really doesn't seem to be much to him other than "likes hunting and is nice," and I generally am wary of nice trolls. Trolls are not a friendly species, they are generally violent. Living in near-solitude seems to be common, actually. You can make him nice, but make sure he's aware that nice trolls are not common, and make sure he can defend himself, or he won't be long for Alternia.

What happened to his lusus? You say it in the tl;dr but not the actual profile. How did he feel about having to kill his lusus?

When making characters multidimensional it helps to think of how they would react to a SGRUB game even if you don't plan on using them in one. It gives you insight into the character to figure out things like title.

Name: Kyniko Listis
Blood colour/Hex: Olive/ #416600
Gender: Male
Age: 7 sweeps
TrollTag: lupinePredator
Quirk: Begins with >>;o=♂, t=↑; Otherwise normal. 'As a bi↑↑a' an Aussie accen↑ an' slang.
Strife Specibus: 2xknifekind
Fetch Modus: Animal Call- Every item is represented by a different animal silhouette, and in order to get the item, you must imitate the animal's call.
Lusus: Dingo (Deceased)
Interests: Hunting, daggers and knives, being outdoors, adventure shows, and the occasional glass of alcohol.
Personality: Generally kind and friendly to everyone. Can be somewhat hotheaded and low on patience.
Bio in a nutshell: Lives in the outback in a small den, where he and his lusus lived. His lusus taught him everything about hunting. He was killed by Kyniko as a final test of his skill.

Hah. Never expected to see me here again did you?

[Roleplaying Tumblr]
[Image: Kattgroup.gif]
floaties by overlard!
Reply
06-03-2013, 05:17 AM
Post: #27
RE: Trollslum Critique Thread
Thanks for the critique! I didn't write to much because I wanted to see how it came out. I also have a tendency to write way too much, so I kept it short. I actually have been trying to figure out SBURB shit, I'll add that when I figure it out. He's a Life player, I know that so far. I'll get to work on the profile. Also, sorry for the late response. I procrastinate often.
Reply
06-03-2013, 07:33 PM
Post: #28
RE: Trollslum Critique Thread
>Be Winning
Of course, what else would you be doing?

[Image: Badvar_zps18330240.png]

You are now BADVAR NEITOR and you WIN. You ALWAYS WIN.

That up there has been growing into a MOTTO of yours. You have always been one for COMPETITION. Be it GAMES, FIGHTS, ARGUMENTS or anything else. Just matching up against someone and see who's the best has been a big passion of yours in a long time. Lately, however, you have taken a bigger and bigger liking for WINNING, moreso than the competition itself. You're not playing to have a good time anymore, you're playing to win. A good time is only really achievable anymore if you can show that you're the best there is. Likewise, you are very likely to head off somewhere sulking if you actually lose, or cull your opponent if they're low enough on the HEMOSPECTRUM. Possibly both.

Speaking of the Hemospectrum, you LOATHE that system like one wouldn't believe. Many would question this, as you are a seadweller and have thus been put at the absolute top of the food chain. So why do you hate it like you do? Simple. You DIDN'T WIN AT IT. While you are high indeed, you're still relative low by seadweller standards. The knowledge that you didn't emerge on top, that there's seadwellers that have it better than you, that you have to listen to, is infuriating to you and you have began justifying it in your mind with "The Hemospectrum is bullshit". Of course, you keep these thoughts to yourself. Wouldn't want to end up culled now, right?

You have a set of INTERESTS, just like any good troll. Your main one is, of course, COMPETITION. VIDEO GAMES, TABLETOP GAMES, CARD GAMES, BETS, FIGHTS, SPORT COMPETITIONS, SPARS… If you can win over others in it, you've probably tried it. Of course, you train very frequently as often as possible in your never-ending quest to be the BEST OF THE BEST. At the (very) few moments when you're not putting your time into this, you enjoy kicking back and watching MOVIES. Particularly of the ACTION kind. You like seeing the musclebound trolls pulling extreme stunts, just for you to scoff and decide that you can do better than them. Which you of course can't, but one can dream.

You use the DICE MODUS. When an item is captchalouged, a six-sided die appears and rolls a random number. To get out the item, you have to roll a dice of your own and get the same number or higher. If you spar someone or have to defend yourself, your STRIFE SPECIBUS is that of JAVELINKIND. Simple steel javelins, fast and easy to use. Your TROLLTAG is foregoneVictory and you spehäk with ä bit of än äccehnt.

Name: Badvar Neitor
Trolltag: foregoneVictory
Gender: Male
Age: 6.5 Sweeps
Blood: Purple [#840099]
Strife Specibus: Javelinkind
Fetch Modus: Dice
Height: 5'6"
Weight: 146 lbs
Lusus: Anglerfish
Personality: Competitive, Confident, Victory Fixated, Sore Loser, Silently Hemorebellious
Likes: Winning, Sports, Games, Bets, Action Movies, Seafood
Dislikes: Losing, The Hemospectrum, Being Corrected, Beef

Casually submits this.
Reply
06-04-2013, 08:01 AM
Post: #29
RE: Trollslum Critique Thread
(06-03-2013 07:33 PM)Watch the Trees Wrote:  >Be Winning
Of course, what else would you be doing?

[Image: Badvar_zps18330240.png]

You are now BADVAR NEITOR and you WIN. You ALWAYS WIN.

That up there has been growing into a MOTTO of yours. You have always been one for COMPETITION. Be it GAMES, FIGHTS, ARGUMENTS or anything else. Just matching up against someone and see who's the best has been a big passion of yours in a long time. Lately, however, you have taken a bigger and bigger liking for WINNING, moreso than the competition itself. You're not playing to have a good time anymore, you're playing to win. A good time is only really achievable anymore if you can show that you're the best there is. Likewise, you are very likely to head off somewhere sulking if you actually lose, or cull your opponent if they're low enough on the HEMOSPECTRUM. Possibly both. Neat! But I want to know WHY he has this drive? Did his lusus give it to him? Was he humiliated a long time ago? Does he just feel really inadequate if he's not always the best?

Do his friends ever tire of him constantly wanting to be NUMBER ONE? I can't imagine that would be an easy personality to stand for long. Wouldn't it also exhaust him trying to be the best at everything? How would this affect him?


Speaking of the Hemospectrum, you LOATHE that system like one wouldn't believe. Many would question this, as you are a seadweller and have thus been put at the absolute top of the food chain. So why do you hate it like you do? Simple. You DIDN'T WIN AT IT. While you are high indeed, you're still relative low by seadweller standards. The knowledge that you didn't emerge on top, that there's seadwellers that have it better than you, that you have to listen to, is infuriating to you and you have began justifying it in your mind with "The Hemospectrum is bullshit". Of course, you keep these thoughts to yourself. Wouldn't want to end up culled now, right?

So how does he treat other seadwellers then? Especially the ones ranked higher than him?

You have a set of INTERESTS, just like any good troll. Your main one is, of course, COMPETITION. VIDEO GAMES, TABLETOP GAMES, CARD GAMES, BETS, FIGHTS, SPORT COMPETITIONS, SPARS… If you can win over others in it, you've probably tried it. Of course, you train very frequently as often as possible in your never-ending quest to be the BEST OF THE BEST. At the (very) few moments when you're not putting your time into this, you enjoy kicking back and watching MOVIES. Particularly of the ACTION kind. You like seeing the musclebound trolls pulling extreme stunts, just for you to scoff and decide that you can do better than them. Which you of course can't, but one can dream.

Again, that all sounds mentally and physically exhausting. Does he ever just completely burn out? Does he keep trying to push forward until someone forcibly restrains him or does he know his limits? Does he really enjoy any specific kind of competitions, something that he could enthuse about endlessly?

You use the DICE MODUS. When an item is captchalouged, a six-sided die appears and rolls a random number. To get out the item, you have to roll a dice of your own and get the same number or higher.
||
If you spar someone or have to defend yourself, your STRIFE SPECIBUS is that of JAVELINKIND. Simple steel javelins, fast and easy to use. Your TROLLTAG is foregoneVictory and you spehäk with ä bit of än äccehnt.

Name: Badvar Neitor
Trolltag: foregoneVictory
Gender: Male
Age: 6.5 Sweeps
Blood: Purple [#840099]
Strife Specibus: Javelinkind
Fetch Modus: Dice
Height: 5'6"
Weight: 146 lbs
Lusus: Anglerfish
Personality: Competitive, Confident, Victory Fixated, Sore Loser, Silently Hemorebellious
Likes: Winning, Sports, Games, Bets, Action Movies, Seafood
Dislikes: Losing, The Hemospectrum, Being Corrected, Beef

Why the beef hate? Sobs.

Additionally, you never really mentioned his lusus. How did it try to raise him? How did that affect him? Does it really seem to care about his competitive drive?

I like the personality a lot, I just think he needs a bit more fleshing out. Especially in the lusus department!


Casually submits this.

Casually critiques in red.

I will also put this profile here so it may be critiqued.

=====
===> Be Noble

[Image: ls2u4zp]

Your name is GATIOR VERDAN and you’re NOT to be messed with. You’re EIGHT solar sweeps old, with ROYAL BLOOD (#960e85) putting you above all of those filthy lowbloods.

As a SEADWELLER, your hive is placed safely underwater. The area is utterly unremarkable, save for the large amount of sea fauna that enjoy populating the place. Prying sea stars off your windows has become a regular ritual, aside from collecting the JUNK that regularly floats down to your home.

Your SWORDFISH custodian, however, has no time for collecting pollution. He’s far too busy pressing you into being the BEST seadweller there ever was. However, Your frame is unfortunately a bit too frail to function as a common fighter as he would want. Instead, he’s been forced to make you think more strategically. Admittedly, it’s not his strong suit, and you’re really wondering how his “run right at them and swing a big sharp thing” strategy would work in a way that wouldn’t get you killed. Nevertheless, he has bred into you a sense of Noblesse Oblige. Of course, the meaning of this varies from seadweller to seadweller.

In your case, it means OPPRESSING all those filthy land dwellers who get in your way. Your DUTY is to make sure nobody gets any ideas of rebellion in their heads and to make sure they know who to kneel before. Every troll who dwells on land must be checked for loyalty, all the way up to indigo bloods. Your methods for testing vary, but you refuse to be ignored! Being not at all physically imposing has its disadvantages, though.

For this reason, you’ve taken up FENCING against your lusus. It’s not quite the same as fighting other trolls, and the slowed speed of movement underwater certainly doesn’t help, but it has helped you learn to be a fair bit more agile. To be honest, you’re not even sure if you could kill a troll with one of the tiny little fencing swords you’ve got. You mostly just use it for intimidation.

You also like to play BOARD GAMES of all kinds, but especially ones that actually involve the use of thought. You especially enjoy the MURDER MYSTERY kinds, the ones where the only thing that matters is the mind. Those brawny types may be able to win at things like arm wrestling and brawling, but you’re still the master of the more important domains! You mostly focus on the murder-y stuff because it makes you feel like a super smart coolguy when you solve the crime, which is a lot better than the usual image people attach to you: A stuck up, arrogant fencing dork.

Lastly, you’ve been known to engage in more FORMAL PRACTICES, such as attending seadweller ballroom events, which are incidentally a great way to get a knife in the back. You consider it the job of every seadweller to present themselves as best they can, and that definitely means showing class far above that of the filthy lowbloods. Fine dining, formal dancing, everything must be perfectly practiced and correctly done. A single mistake is usualyl enough to make you start blowing a gasket.

Your fetch modus is POLLUTION. All cards are coated in “seascum” and various other irritants. To retrieve a card, one must vigorously ‘scrub’ it until it is completely clean, and then the item may be retrieved.

Your strife specibus is swordKind, but you’re only skilled with the fencing sabre. Hopefully someone is patient enough to die a death of a thousand cuts.

Your trolltag is aristocraticallyElegant and you “H&ve &lw&ys been super^or.

TL;DR
Name: Gatior Verdan
Age: 8 sweeps
Blood: Purple (#960e85) Hue 307
Trolltag: aristocraticallyElegant
Quirk: a/A = & (He thinks it looks far more sleek), i/I = ^, and = &
Strife specibus: swordKind
Fetch modus: Pollution
Lusus: Swordfish
Height: 5'7"
Weight: 135 lbs.

Where we're going we don't need fancherubs
[Image: Argumi.gif][Image: Famynn.gif][Image: Genosi.gif][Image: Gaveyo.gif]
[Image: Floaty.gif][Image: Deveii.gif][Image: Portec.gif][Image: lrduwpk]
[Image: Yarrex.gif]
Silvy Wrote:(my mouth is made of money because every joke i tell is pure gold)
Ocfos Wrote:[3:58:25 PM] Ocfos: Yes it is.
[4:02:07 PM] Ocfos: Breeding solve everything.
[4:02:15 PM] Ocfos: Just look at Africa.
[4:02:25 PM] Ocfos: Need help feeding the children? Get more.
[4:02:46 PM] Ocfos: Tell them to feed them.
[4:03:20 PM] Ocfos: And then you hvve a regurgilating suorce of energy
Reply
06-13-2013, 02:28 PM
Post: #30
RE: Trollslum Critique Thread
Hey everyone! I'm new here (duh) and looked at the rules for joining. I'm a little confused, but I think I'm supposed to put my guy here for the mods to look at? Let me know if that's not right, please!

[Image: Zarwid%20Munrab.png]

[Image: Zarwid%20Munrab%20Portrait.png]

Pictures aren't very good but at least you can see what he looks like!

Your name is Zarwid Munrab. You are a legislacerator-in-training, having chosen to follow the profession MOST COMMON to your caste. Having studied the body of Alternian prosecution law (an easy task considering the point of the trial is to get to the fun part: the execution), you have A LOT OF TIME for other pursuits.

You fancy yourself an ENTERTAINER, and work hard to create your own prosecuting style, which so far consists of LAME JOKES and SHOWMANSHIP. As an up-and-coming legislacerator, you know it doesn’t matter what you say so long as you say it with STYLE. To practice, you acquire CORPSES and video tape yourself prosecuting them, and then upload the videos to the internet for a ton of SWEET LIKES and USELESS COMMENTS. You’d ask your friends to help, but figure they’d refuse when you get to the PART WHERE YOU EXECUTE THE CRIMINAL.

You have a little pin on your coat and if anyone asks you about it, you say that it’s your ATTORNEY’S BADGE. You don’t know what an attorney’s badge is or why anyone would have one, but you’re always happy to SPIN A GRAND TALE about how you acquired yours. You also do MAGIC TRICKS but you kind of suck at them. All except for the ones with MAGIC RINGS. You’re pretty good at those, probably owing to your EXPERTISE with rings. You still need to work on everything else. One of your friends STILL HASN’T GOTTEN OVER that botched “saw them in half” trick.

Now and again, you like to try your hand at SLAM POETRY, but you have trouble coming up with rhymes on the spot so you tend to CRASH AND BURN at live events. Fortunately, trolls usually aren’t too social and tend not to break out into rap battles. You’re much better at making up fibs and wild stories when the need arises (or even when the need doesn’t exist). The more grandiose the tale, the better, you always say.

“The people will more easily swallow a big lie than a small one.” –Troll Martin Luther King Jr. You are ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN that Troll Martin Luther King Jr. said that.

Hobbies: Mock trials/executions, rapping (bad), magic tricks, making shit up.
Age: 8 sweeps
Blood color: Teal
Lusus: Ligerbear
Modus: Lock ‘Em Up and Throw Away the Key (he has to pick the locks on the cards)
Specibus: Ringkind
Trolltag: jovialJusticiar
Quirk: you “like toOo put oOon a shoOow when yoOou talk”
Reply
06-13-2013, 02:36 PM (This post was last modified: 06-13-2013 02:41 PM by Overlard.)
Post: #31
RE: Trollslum Critique Thread
Hello there! Actually, you're not required to post trolls in the critique thread, though I heavily recommend it. To post in the cafe, you need to message one of the cafe moderators your troll for approval. In this troll's case, he would go to Silvy for approval.

This thread is for helping people improve their trolls by receiving critique from other people.

If you actually want him to be critiqued, just say so and I'll do my best, and maybe some other people will give it a shot as well!

Where we're going we don't need fancherubs
[Image: Argumi.gif][Image: Famynn.gif][Image: Genosi.gif][Image: Gaveyo.gif]
[Image: Floaty.gif][Image: Deveii.gif][Image: Portec.gif][Image: lrduwpk]
[Image: Yarrex.gif]
Silvy Wrote:(my mouth is made of money because every joke i tell is pure gold)
Ocfos Wrote:[3:58:25 PM] Ocfos: Yes it is.
[4:02:07 PM] Ocfos: Breeding solve everything.
[4:02:15 PM] Ocfos: Just look at Africa.
[4:02:25 PM] Ocfos: Need help feeding the children? Get more.
[4:02:46 PM] Ocfos: Tell them to feed them.
[4:03:20 PM] Ocfos: And then you hvve a regurgilating suorce of energy
Reply
06-13-2013, 02:51 PM
Post: #32
RE: Trollslum Critique Thread
You can go ahead if you want to! I'll tell Silvy though, too.
Reply
06-13-2013, 05:26 PM (This post was last modified: 06-13-2013 05:28 PM by Overlard.)
Post: #33
RE: Trollslum Critique Thread
(06-13-2013 02:28 PM)Blue Spectre Wrote:  Hey everyone! I'm new here (duh) and looked at the rules for joining. I'm a little confused, but I think I'm supposed to put my guy here for the mods to look at? Let me know if that's not right, please!

[Image: Zarwid%20Munrab.png]

[Image: Zarwid%20Munrab%20Portrait.png]

Pictures aren't very good but at least you can see what he looks like!

Your name is Zarwid Munrab. You are a legislacerator-in-training, having chosen to follow the profession MOST COMMON to your caste. Having studied the body of Alternian prosecution law (an easy task considering the point of the trial is to get to the fun part: the execution), you have A LOT OF TIME for other pursuits. Why does he even want to be a legislacerator, though? If he wants to be an entertainer, why not dedicate himself to that instead?

You fancy yourself an ENTERTAINER, and work hard to create your own prosecuting style, which so far consists of LAME JOKES and SHOWMANSHIP. As an up-and-coming legislacerator, you know it doesn’t matter what you say so long as you say it with STYLE. To practice, you acquire CORPSES and video tape yourself prosecuting them, and then upload the videos to the internet for a ton of SWEET LIKES and USELESS COMMENTS. You’d ask your friends to help, but figure they’d refuse when you get to the PART WHERE YOU EXECUTE THE CRIMINAL.

So does anyone actually ever say anything about him mutilating corpses? Even by brutal troll standards, that might be a bit much. Does he ever show anyone his style of prosecuting for real, and if so, what do they think of it?

You have a little pin on your coat and if anyone asks you about it, you say that it’s your ATTORNEY’S BADGE. You don’t know what an attorney’s badge is or why anyone would have one, but you’re always happy to SPIN A GRAND TALE about how you acquired yours. That's neat and all, but why did he even start carrying the thing in the first place? If he has no idea what an attorney's badge is, how would he come up with the concept in the first place?You also do MAGIC TRICKS but you kind of suck at them. All except for the ones with MAGIC RINGS. You’re pretty good at those, probably owing to your EXPERTISE with rings. You still need to work on everything else. One of your friends STILL HASN’T GOTTEN OVER that botched “saw them in half” trick. Could you describe whatever it is the magic ring trick is? And why does he like to do magic tricks anyway? Is it because it helps him as a legislacerator? Because he just plain likes them? Does he believe magic isn't fake as shit?

Now and again, you like to try your hand at SLAM POETRY, but you have trouble coming up with rhymes on the spot so you tend to CRASH AND BURN at live events. Fortunately, trolls usually aren’t too social and tend not to break out into rap battles. You’re much better at making up fibs and wild stories when the need arises (or even when the need doesn’t exist). The more grandiose the tale, the better, you always say. Is he aware that a good deal of trolls probably consider slam poetry to just be incredibly silly? I do, however, like the idea of him being a giant fibbing story teller.

“The people will more easily swallow a big lie than a small one.” –Troll Martin Luther King Jr. You are ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN that Troll Martin Luther King Jr. said that.

Hobbies: Mock trials/executions, rapping (bad), magic tricks, making shit up.
Age: 8 sweeps
Blood color: Teal
Lusus: Ligerbear
Modus: Lock ‘Em Up and Throw Away the Key (he has to pick the locks on the cards)
Specibus: Ringkind
Trolltag: jovialJusticiar
Quirk: you “like toOo put oOon a shoOow when yoOou talk”

How does his lusus raise him? What impact has it had on his life? Where is his hive, for that matter? Does the location affect him at all? How do other trolls view him, and how does he see the hemospectrum? Is he aware of his position and abuses it to force people to pay attention to him?

His strife specibus is ringKind. That sounds both amusing and frustrating to use. How does he view it?

Also, it might just be me, but I didn't get a total feel for his personality. I understand he likes to be show off-y and tells giant lies, but I can't tell whether he's an extremely rude showman or an ingratiating one. How does he treat other trolls?


Critique in red then!

Where we're going we don't need fancherubs
[Image: Argumi.gif][Image: Famynn.gif][Image: Genosi.gif][Image: Gaveyo.gif]
[Image: Floaty.gif][Image: Deveii.gif][Image: Portec.gif][Image: lrduwpk]
[Image: Yarrex.gif]
Silvy Wrote:(my mouth is made of money because every joke i tell is pure gold)
Ocfos Wrote:[3:58:25 PM] Ocfos: Yes it is.
[4:02:07 PM] Ocfos: Breeding solve everything.
[4:02:15 PM] Ocfos: Just look at Africa.
[4:02:25 PM] Ocfos: Need help feeding the children? Get more.
[4:02:46 PM] Ocfos: Tell them to feed them.
[4:03:20 PM] Ocfos: And then you hvve a regurgilating suorce of energy
Reply
06-14-2013, 02:32 AM
Post: #34
RE: Trollslum Critique Thread
Ok, you asked me a bunch of questions! I'll see what I can answer?

Why does he want to be a legislacerator? I'm basing this off of what I saw in the Redglare trial, but it looked like a troll trial is some big public affair on a huge stage. It seemed like a thing Zarwid could make into a big show if he tried, and executions like hangings were seen as entertainment once here on Earth, too.

The corpses? I thought he might seem kind of strange for that, but I hadn't thought that would be really weird for trolls since they already do a lot of killing and stuff and he didn't even kill the corpses in the first place, he just finds them. I'm not sure what the next question means, though. He puts the videos online (like, troll YouTube? ViewGrub?) to get comments and critique. I kind of wanted to leave the actual reactions vague so anyone else could respond how they wanted.

Attorney's Badge? I don't really have an answer since it's just a joke, but he likes orange (kind of how like Terezi and Vriska like red) so I figured he just put on an orange pin one day and then because he likes to make up stories he just spontaneously came up with the "attorney's badge" thing one day and stuck with it. Is that ok?

The magic ring trick is this. He just likes magic tricks and he doesn't think there's real magic because it's tricks. Sleight of hand and stuff. Entertainment, which is what he's kind of about.

Slam poetry is silly? I thought the trolls said it's a respected and ancient art form, and that it was just Equius that made really weird and creepy horse poetry.

I haven't thought too much about the lusus. I guess it's typical? Helps hunt for food and raise him and also fights him a bunch? I could think about that more. I didn't really think much about the hive, either. Probably just in a normal place, not a tree house like Terezi had. It didn't seem like locations mattered much to most of the trolls.

Hemospectrum views? He doesn't care that much. He's more interested in his personal charm. And to skip to the last question, he's supposed to be kind of gregarious, maybe even obnoxiously so. I guess he has an ego which is why he wants to be in the spot light? Like Tony Stark except not as rich and he doesn't have a super powered robot suit.

I haven't decided exactly what I want his ring weapon to be. I figured ringkind could support something like chakrams, but it's just as likely he uses big, blunt, steel rings. I'd probably have him use the second one here so in case he gets in a fight he could only try to bludgeon someone.

So I hope I answered everything. I can give the lusus and hive stuff some more thought, though.

Oh, and like something else I didn't get in the profile is that he is alright at picking locks because of his fetch modus, and I thought that fit in with the sleight of hand stuff he does with magic (even though he sucks at most of it). I don't know if locked doors will come up much, though.
Reply
06-14-2013, 08:50 AM
Post: #35
RE: Trollslum Critique Thread
(06-14-2013 02:32 AM)Blue Spectre Wrote:  Slam poetry is silly? I thought the trolls said it's a respected and ancient art form, and that it was just Equius that made really weird and creepy horse poetry.

I certainly can't remember where that was said in canon. Do you have a link? If it's true, that'd be good to know for the future.

Else wise, just find a way to incorporate your answers into the profile concisely. That way other people reading the profile won't be asking the same questions of themselves.

The reason I asked for the location of his hive is that some fantrolls are affected by where their hives are situated, or it's a part of their personality.

The question after the corpse part means "Does he show anyone his theatrics in person, rather than over the internet?"

Where we're going we don't need fancherubs
[Image: Argumi.gif][Image: Famynn.gif][Image: Genosi.gif][Image: Gaveyo.gif]
[Image: Floaty.gif][Image: Deveii.gif][Image: Portec.gif][Image: lrduwpk]
[Image: Yarrex.gif]
Silvy Wrote:(my mouth is made of money because every joke i tell is pure gold)
Ocfos Wrote:[3:58:25 PM] Ocfos: Yes it is.
[4:02:07 PM] Ocfos: Breeding solve everything.
[4:02:15 PM] Ocfos: Just look at Africa.
[4:02:25 PM] Ocfos: Need help feeding the children? Get more.
[4:02:46 PM] Ocfos: Tell them to feed them.
[4:03:20 PM] Ocfos: And then you hvve a regurgilating suorce of energy
Reply
06-14-2013, 08:56 AM (This post was last modified: 06-14-2013 08:57 AM by Blue Spectre.)
Post: #36
RE: Trollslum Critique Thread
Well, for the slam poetry, I found this on Tavros's page. I'm pretty sure it gets mentioned elsewhere, like with Equius and in the last Meenah game if you have Dave and Kanaya talk to each other.

I don't think Zarwid shows his corpse stuff to anyone in person, unless he could somehow get a big audience, but that seems unlikely.

And I'll see about adding the rest into the profile.
Reply
06-14-2013, 09:21 AM
Post: #37
RE: Trollslum Critique Thread
Alright, then. Thank you for the link as well! Because now I know.

And "K = .5 of B - Troll G.I. Joe"

Where we're going we don't need fancherubs
[Image: Argumi.gif][Image: Famynn.gif][Image: Genosi.gif][Image: Gaveyo.gif]
[Image: Floaty.gif][Image: Deveii.gif][Image: Portec.gif][Image: lrduwpk]
[Image: Yarrex.gif]
Silvy Wrote:(my mouth is made of money because every joke i tell is pure gold)
Ocfos Wrote:[3:58:25 PM] Ocfos: Yes it is.
[4:02:07 PM] Ocfos: Breeding solve everything.
[4:02:15 PM] Ocfos: Just look at Africa.
[4:02:25 PM] Ocfos: Need help feeding the children? Get more.
[4:02:46 PM] Ocfos: Tell them to feed them.
[4:03:20 PM] Ocfos: And then you hvve a regurgilating suorce of energy
Reply
06-24-2013, 05:41 AM
Post: #38
RE: Trollslum Critique Thread
Here's my pride and joy of a sea dweller.
[Image: AcerusAltumbtalkyV5nohat.png]

You are Acerus Altumb a 9 sweep old 7'0 monster of a pirate. Your troll tag is CutthroatPirate and you Pfff. Tend to talk in a sarcastic manner. Riigghhtt. You wear a long coat with the sleeves cut off and have your arms wrapped in bandages and are also missing an eye that was gouged out thanks to a strange obsession of yours.

[Image: AcerusAltumbtalkyV5NohatCutarmCrazy.png]

You love pain. You think it is the best feeling in the world and even went as far as gouging your own eye out. Also not too long ago some troll had burned your face up. But if it were't for the fact you didn't use the medicine you were supposed to use you would be perfectly fine. Luckily you have a fake piece put in place of the cheek that is now gone so you don't sound like an idiot when you talk. Though if you're angry enough you have in the past ripped the piece out and spat blood all over whoever you're angry at.

You don't avoid telling people about your obsession for pain But don't try to show it off to people either. Probably spawning from your strange passion is that you're kinda socially awkward, but it might also be attributed to the fact that you've got a very delicate temper. You can get very angry very easily. You also have a love for booze which might attribute to your fetch modus.

The BottleModus which requires you to down a bottle of scotch and then break the bottle to get your item... well you don't have to down it but you do anyway since you love scotch. You strife specibus is Piratekind which lets you use an array of different weapons that range from flintlock pistols and cutlasses to muskets and ship cannons.

You are very superstitious and hate anything that has to do with the undead or Davy Jones.

Also you try to follow the pirates code to a T and would never break a rule unless Davy Jones himself made you.

If you ever ended up in a sgrub session you would be the lord of Piracy in the Land of water and mud and your consorts would be cockatiels.
Reply
06-25-2013, 06:21 AM
Post: #39
RE: Trollslum Critique Thread
(06-24-2013 05:41 AM)Overnightfuture Wrote:  Here's my pride and joy of a sea dweller.
[Image: AcerusAltumbtalkyV5nohat.png]

I know those are supposed to be bandages on his arms, but they don't really look like bandages. They kinda look more like really ruffled sleeves. If they conformed directly to the shape of his arms, that might make it more clear as to what they are. Also, where's his other horn? Most trolls have two horns.

You are Acerus Altumb a 9 sweep old 7'0 Is there a reason why he's so tall? Or is just because? Unnecessarily tall trolls come off as incredibly tacky. monster of a pirate. Your troll tag is CutthroatPirate and you Pfff. Tend to talk in a sarcastic manner. Riigghhtt. Quirks like this get dull and tired incredibly fast. Make something up that's more creative! Replace a few letters, do some other quirky things. Just avoid enclosing quirks like this at all costs. You wear a long coat with the sleeves cut off and have your arms wrapped in bandages and are also missing an eye that was gouged out thanks to a strange obsession of yours. Gouging out your own eye, for any reason, is just asking for the troll be culled. Not to mention he'd more likely end up accidentally killing himself.

[Image: AcerusAltumbtalkyV5NohatCutarmCrazy.png]

His arms need a LOT of shading added. Additionally, all those cuts would come off as offensive to anyone who has ever done it to themselves for very serious reasons. It's not funny to make a parody of such a condition, even if that wasn't your intent.

You love pain. You think it is the best feeling in the world and even went as far as gouging your own eye out. Also not too long ago some troll had burned your face up. But if it weren't for the fact you didn't use the medicine you were supposed to use you would be perfectly fine. Luckily you have a fake piece put in place of the cheek that is now gone so you don't sound like an idiot when you talk. Though if you're angry enough you have in the past ripped the piece out and spat blood all over whoever you're angry at. No. An obsession with pain should only be done with extensive research into people's actual obsessions with pain and the reasons why they have it. As it is, this is just gimmicky and a little creepy, quite frankly. Also, ripping a section of your own cheek out constantly would lead to a very serious infection and would kill you. I suggest just dropping this aspect altogether and coming up with something new.

You don't avoid telling people about your obsession for pain, but don't try to show it off to people either. Probably Spawning from your strange passion is that you're kinda socially awkward, though it might also be attributed to the fact that you've got a very delicate temper. You can get very angry very easily. You also have a love for booze which might attribute to your fetch modus. If he doesn't try to show it off, he wouldn't ever rip that "piece" of his cheek out in the first place. Why would he ever tell anyone about it anyway? That would definitely trip alarm bells off in other trolls, again attracting other seadwellers and highbloods to kill him. They wouldn't want that kind of trait in their genetic pool!

The BottleModus which requires you to down a bottle of scotch and then break the bottle to get your item... well you don't have to down it but you do anyway since you love scotch. You strife specibus is Piratekind which lets you use an array of different weapons that range from flintlock pistols and cutlasses to muskets and ship cannons.

I'm aware that he was made before Roxy's debut, but I still suggest changing the fetch modus since it's very similar to her fetch modus. For one thing, it doesn't provide any complications in retrieving his items at all. Where's the fun in an easily usable fetch modus? Even John overcomplicated his in canon.

PirateKind cannot be an actual strifespecibus. That would mean he stores living pirates in his strife deck and flings them at other trolls. Plus, that's far too many weapons for one troll to ever have. A good limit is three at most, because after that it just becomes ridiculous. Avoid having gun specibi if the character doesn't have a good reason to have it, as it makes RPing fights near impossible to make fair.


You are very superstitious and hate anything that has to do with the undead or Davy Jones. Elaborate, please. Don't just leave this part hanging! Why is he superstitious? What effect does it have on him? Does he perform any good luck rituals? Does he believe in certain spirits? There's a whole wealth of character depth to go into here!

Also you try to follow the pirates code to a T and would never break a rule unless Davy Jones himself made you. Davy Jones doesn't actually exist, and trolls would most likely have no "pirate code." Especially not seadwellers.

If you ever ended up in a sgrub session you would be the lord of Piracy in the Land of water and mud and your consorts would be cockatiels. Aspects are monosyllabic! Piracy is not only far too specific for him, it's three syllables long.

He needs a complete overhaul. I need to know more about him as a person. What are his hobbies? Where's his lusus? Every troll has a custodian, and their upbringings are affected by the guardians they've been given.

Drop the whole pain obsession aspect, there's no way to do it completely correctly unless you're willing to invest a LOT of time into proper research and care. Perhaps he has an obsession with pirates instead? Trolls on Alternia probably only have pirates in FLARP campaigns. Maybe he thinks they're actually real?

What does he think of the hemospectrum?

How do other trolls see him?

Does he live in a hive under the sea, or just somewhere near the coast?

I can't tell what sort of character he is beyond "pain obsessed pirate." He needs depth! Flat characters are only good as NPCs in stories. Give more attention to that superstitious side you barely mentioned, that sounds like it might generate something!

All in red, same as always.

The troll I posted is still up for critique as well.

Where we're going we don't need fancherubs
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[4:02:15 PM] Ocfos: Just look at Africa.
[4:02:25 PM] Ocfos: Need help feeding the children? Get more.
[4:02:46 PM] Ocfos: Tell them to feed them.
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06-25-2013, 05:50 PM (This post was last modified: 06-25-2013 05:51 PM by Overnightfuture.)
Post: #40
RE: Trollslum Critique Thread
Thanks for the crit overlard.

I'm going to be honnest and say I just took his original profile and did a slight edit. Looking at it now I realize I just have to bite the bullet and rewrite it as it just isn't showing his character anymore. ( also it was written in what I'd call is my dark rp days where I didn't exactly know wtf I was doing).

Will rewrite the profile when I have the time and it's not almost 3 am.

Besides you've seen acerus in action in the pazt right? You know his character is tottally different then that profile rght?

( any spelling errors in this post would come from the fact I'm using a phone to post this.)
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06-25-2013, 07:27 PM
Post: #41
RE: Trollslum Critique Thread
Actions of the past are long gone, in an echo heard in the faintest whisper swallowed by the cataclysm.

Characters that are totally different from their profile should be a definite cue as to why they're not favorable.
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06-28-2013, 04:42 PM
Post: #42
RE: Trollslum Critique Thread
Here's a fresh profile to be critiqued.


>be the troll with the decision issues
Uhh... Hey um, that's just... Uhh... Mean to say!...
>Fine, Be the lazy troll that should get out of the house more
Uhh... That's not um, much better then uh, the last one!...

[Image: CecetaCertumworried.png]

You are now CECETA CERTUM though you also like to be called CECE some times.If you have not lost count you are a 7 SWEEP old 5'3 GREEN BLOOD and are rather happy to be in the middle of the spectrum. You actually care about the spectrum to a level and prefer to stick to people close to your caste, though that could just be because you haven't had the greatest experiences with higher or lower bloods.

You have a nice hive in the middle of the FOREST where you live with your lusus a small NUT BEAST that you call SQUIRREL MOM. Squirrel mom doesn't really feel like she's raised you well. But that's probably because you fight with her a lot, But you don't hate her. You just don't like what she will try to make you do since they really don't interest you.

Things you are mainly interested in one thing, VIDEO GAMES. You just love video games and spend a good amount of your nights in your room playing whatever new game is out.

You also have a bit of a flaw, though you can function on your own normally. Once there's other trolls around you always feel like they are JUDGING you. This causes you to get STRESSED and have trouble making simple DECISIONS. Squirrel mom hates this flaw and as such tries to send you out of the house as often as she can. Which is kind of tough for her given that she is so small and can't open the lock on your door that easlily. Though when she does get you out you just go EXPLORING instead of somewhere that's populated. Luckily the Forest around your house is really interesting, it's filled with so many cool and exciting things to see so you try to and find little knickknacks until Squirrel mom lets you back in the hive.

The only other thing you really seem to enjoy doing is HUNTING but that's probably only because you HATE the nuts your lusus brings home to eat. So when you are out walking you like to set up small traps to catch critters to eat. Being HUNGRY is probably the only reason you would ever leave the Hive when not forced.

Though you feel like you're being judged by other trolls once you get used to a troll you can kind of ease up and not be so worried about them. Normally you're kind of a strange troll, looking at the world a little different then most and daydreaming a lot which is probably from being alone most of the time.

You have been attacked on your walks sometimes and have had to snap out of your daydreams and fear of being judged to fight. Luckily you have your BOWKIND Sepcibus. Stupidly the only weapons you have are remakes of videogame bows. Most of which are REALLY IMPRACTICAL

But hey even if impractical they look threatening to walk around with, though usually they are in your STOP AND SWAP MODUS Which only lets you take out items when you've put in enough items to match the value of what you want. Unfortunately it seems that the item you want has gone up in price when you need it.

You actually talk to a couple trolls on Trollian believe it or not! But that's only cause they work at the game store you get your games at and you want to know when they are in or out of stock for games you like.
But still you can be reached at confusedGamer Though it seems that Uhh... even online um, you're kind of confused when uh, talking to other um, trolls...
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06-30-2013, 09:40 AM (This post was last modified: 06-30-2013 09:49 AM by Overlard.)
Post: #43
RE: Trollslum Critique Thread
(06-28-2013 04:42 PM)Overnightfuture Wrote:  Here's a fresh profile to be critiqued.


>be the troll with the decision issues
Uhh... Hey um, that's just... Uhh... Mean to say!...
>Fine, Be the lazy troll that should get out of the house more
Uhh... That's not um, much better then uh, the last one!...

[Image: CecetaCertumworried.png]

[spoiler]Where are the horns? The blood is also way too bright. That's basically neon green. The symbol is also rather generic and has been used before on several different fantrolls. It should also be placed on the front of her hoodie, not on the arm.

You are now CECETA CERTUM though you also like to be called CECE some times. Why?If you have not lost count you are a 7 SWEEPS old, 5'3,Why is she so short? Being short is a great way to attract negative attention if she can't back it up by being tough. GREEN BLOOD and are rather happy to be in the middle of the spectrum. You actually care about the spectrum to a level and prefer to stick to people close to your caste, though that could just be because you haven't had the greatest experiences with higher or lower bloods. Which would be...? Don't just leave threads like these hanging in the profile. Either explain or don't put them in at all.

Also, why would she lose count of her age at all? Is she forgetful for some reason? Almost every person can remember their age easily.

You have a nice hive in the middle of the FOREST where you live with your lusus a small NUT BEAST that you call SQUIRREL MOM. Squirrel mom doesn't really feel like she's raised you well. But that's probably because you fight with her a lot, But you don't hate her. You just don't like what she will try to make you do since they really don't interest you. That last sentence is just confusing. Did you mean "You don't like the thing she tries to make you do, since you have your own hobbies."? What are the things she tries to make her do?

Things you are mainly interested in one thing, VIDEO GAMES. You just love video games and spend a good amount of your nights in your room playing whatever new game is out. Ok, so how does her love of video games affect her? Does she see everything as a sort of game? Does she make herself into a hermit? Does she try to emulate video game heroes at all? Every hobby can be delved into more than a casual scratch.

You also have a bit of a flaw, though you can function on your own normally. Once there's other trolls around you always feel like they are JUDGING you. This causes you to get STRESSED and have trouble making simple DECISIONS. Squirrel mom hates this flaw and as such tries to send you out of the house as often as she can. Which is kind of tough for her given that she is so small and can't open the lock on your door that easily. Though when she does get you out you just go EXPLORING instead of somewhere that's populated. Luckily the Forest around your house is really interesting, it's filled with so many cool and exciting things to see so you try to and find little knickknacks until Squirrel mom lets you back in the hive.

So how the heck would her lusus get her to leave? You mention it's hard for her, but somehow gets her troll outside of the hive. How? Being a lusus that small, there's no way she could do that unless she started physically assaulting Ceceta. What kind of things does she find in the forest that interest her, and why?

The only other thing you really seem to enjoy doing is HUNTING but that's probably only because you HATE the nuts your lusus brings home to eat. So when you are out walking you like to set up small traps to catch critters to eat. Being HUNGRY is probably the only reason you would ever leave the Hive when not forced.

How good is she at hunting? Does she only go after small animals for food, or does she ever try to kill a larger animal for food?

Though you feel like you're being judged by other trolls once you get used to a troll you can kind of ease up and not be so worried about them. Normally you're kind of a strange troll, looking at the world a little different then most and daydreaming a lot which is probably from being alone most of the time.

You have been attacked on your walks sometimes and have had to snap out of your daydreams and fear of being judged to fight. Luckily you have your BOWKIND Sepcibus. Stupidly the only weapons you have are remakes of videogame bows. Most of which are REALLY IMPRACTICAL.

Is she aware that archery is more of a "noble" fighting style? In that other highbloods might take offense that a low(er)blood dares to emulate them in such a fashion? Plus, fighting hand to hand with a bow and arrow is near impossible, she would need a second weapon to fight. Equius also had fistKind (and huge strength) after all.

But hey even if impractical they look threatening to walk around with, though usually they are in your STOP AND SWAP MODUS Which only lets you take out items when you've put in enough items to match the value of what you want. Unfortunately it seems that the item you want has gone up in price when you need it.

You actually talk to a couple trolls on Trollian believe it or not! But that's only cause they work at the game store you get your games at and you want to know when they are in or out of stock for games you like.
But still you can be reached at confusedGamer Though it seems that Uhh... even online um, you're kind of confused when uh, talking to other um, trolls...

That's not much of a quirk. That's how someone might speak in person. Look at how the canon trolls all have unique quirks that aren't just talking slightly differently. Even though Karkat CAPS LOCKS EVERYTHING he still comes up with unique insults, and caps locks everything. The trolltag isn't very creative either. It just literally describes her. Why would she even want to call herself 'confused'?

Nothing canon breaking, (besides that blood, make it darker) but all the hobbies could more explanation. She also NEEDS horns. The whole "stressed when around otherse" thing doesn't make a lot of sense and isn't really connected to anything at all. Why would she get stressed in the first place? Does she suffer from some form of anxiety? How does talking over trollian affect her. Is she still worried about being "judged"?

To be frank, she also kinda comes off as boring. Why should I care about this character? What's the hook that makes me really want to know more about her, what would make me want to talk to her? All I know is that she's anxious, likes games, collects things from the woods, and hunts. There's no hook!


Red - the color of Mars. And critique.

Where we're going we don't need fancherubs
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Silvy Wrote:(my mouth is made of money because every joke i tell is pure gold)
Ocfos Wrote:[3:58:25 PM] Ocfos: Yes it is.
[4:02:07 PM] Ocfos: Breeding solve everything.
[4:02:15 PM] Ocfos: Just look at Africa.
[4:02:25 PM] Ocfos: Need help feeding the children? Get more.
[4:02:46 PM] Ocfos: Tell them to feed them.
[4:03:20 PM] Ocfos: And then you hvve a regurgilating suorce of energy
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07-03-2013, 11:00 AM (This post was last modified: 07-03-2013 11:08 AM by flamefreakazoid.)
Post: #44
RE: Trollslum Critique Thread
Hello there! I was hoping that someone could help me look at this guy. Hopefully he's not too terrible right now.... Thanks in advance!

[Image: t4Rrw.png] [Image: 4C3cdGH.png]

Your name is AMOYEN SISNEY, and as an upstanding member of troll society, you know that being respectful to your superiors is the key to being successful in life.

As such, you respect the wishes of your OTTIGER (otter-tiger) LUSUS--the most important existence in your life—by doing most everything he wants you to do. In addition, you display this respect by wearing his symbol on your face at all times. You hope that one day you will finally make him PROUD.

You are very ADVENTUROUS and enjoy taking any challenges you face head on. You love to EXPLORE the surroundings of your isolated home, creating little challenging games to participate in while doing so. You don't really tend to think much about the outcome, and jump right into what you're doing. As a result, you tire yourself out very easily, which causes you to jump to other activities prematurely. However one thing you never get tired of is KNITTING. It just manages to help you calm down in a lot of situations.

While you have no problem with doing WHATEVER IT TAKES to succeed, you still try to be KIND and CONSIDERATE to everyone you meet. However, that isn't really hard to do since you try to stay away from others as much as possible. You would like to be more sociable, but you have a slight PROBLEM. There are voices all around you that tell you to KILL other trolls your every waking moment. Most of the time, they are just small WHISPERS in your ears, and you can IGNORE them. However, at RANDOM times the voices gradually get LOUDER until you find it is impossible to withstand. You try to hold back, but it never works. You eventually have no CHOICE but to do their bidding as they won't quiet down otherwise.

Because you actively try to resist the voices' biddings, your lusus thinks of you as a WEAKLING. He keeps trying to get you to understand that you're supposed to follow those orders. But you can't help that you are GENUINELY TERRIFIED of the voices because you have NO CONTROL over them. You absolutely ABHOR the fact that you do not have the ability to control yourself or the situations you're in. You often wonder why you seem to be the only one who hears them. You constantly ask them who they are, why they are doing this, and what their purpose is, but they never reply. Well, they do, but just with more orders to kill.

Your trolltag is yernHaphazard and you always r3Em3Emb3Er to b3E r3Esp3Ectful, but in y3Er 3Excit3Em3Ent t3End to l3Eav3E y3Er s3Ent3Enc3Es hangin
g.
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07-03-2013, 01:05 PM (This post was last modified: 07-03-2013 01:15 PM by Overlard.)
Post: #45
RE: Trollslum Critique Thread
(07-03-2013 11:00 AM)flamefreakazoid Wrote:  Hello there! I was hoping that someone could help me look at this guy. Hopefully he's not too terrible right now.... Thanks in advance!

[Image: t4Rrw.png] [Image: 4C3cdGH.png]

Your name is AMOYEN SISNEY, and as an upstanding member of troll society, you know that being respectful to your superiors is the key to being successful in life.

As such, you respect the wishes of your OTTIGER (otter-tiger) LUSUS--the most important existence in your life—by doing most everything he wants you to do. In addition, you display this respect by wearing his symbol on your face at all times. You hope that one day you will finally make him PROUD. Lusii don't have symbols. Him painting anything on his face at all just makes him look like yet another subjugglator.

You are very ADVENTUROUS and enjoy taking any challenges you face head on. You love to EXPLORE the surroundings of your isolated home, Trolls call their homes "hives." creating little challenging games to participate in while doing so. Games like....? You don't really tend to think much about the outcome, and jump right into what you're doing. As a result, you tire yourself out very easily, which causes you to jump to other activities prematurely. Do you mean he gets bored easily? Because if someone was tired they wouldn't immediately get started on something new.However one thing you never get tired of is KNITTING. It just manages to help you calm down in a lot of situations. Huh? Knitting? Where did that come from? We go from someone who acts impulsively and jumps from activity to someone who can sit down and knit, a very time consuming activity. It's good to have interests that don't pigeonhole a character, but they need to actually be connected to the character.

While you have no problem with doing WHATEVER IT TAKES to succeed, you still try to be KIND and CONSIDERATE to everyone you meet. Trolls are not kind or considerate at all. This would make every other troll he ever interacts with see him as a pushover and someone to be taken advantage of. He can be civil, just not overly "nice and kind," which is the downfall of many fantrolls However, that isn't really hard to do since you try to stay away from others as much as possible. You would like to be more sociable, but you have a slight PROBLEM. There are voices all around you that tell you to KILL other trolls your every waking moment. Most of the time, they are just small WHISPERS in your ears, and you can IGNORE them. However, at RANDOM times the voices gradually get LOUDER until you find it is impossible to withstand. You try to hold back, but it never works. You eventually have no CHOICE but to do their bidding as they won't quiet down otherwise.

Is this supposed to mean he's "crazy?" Don't do this. It needs to be an actual condition, first of all. Just calling them "voices" isn't good RPing and comes off as tacky and amateurish. Second, do extensive research into the condition that you give him before you try to use it. Incorrectly represented mental conditions can not only be poor for RPing, they can be very offensive to people who have or know people with the same condition.

Basically, don't try to do "crazy," "psycho," or "sociopath" (in this case the "voices") without knowing what you're doing extremely well. Drop that aspect completely for now.


Because you actively try to resist the voices' biddings, your lusus thinks of you as a WEAKLING. He keeps trying to get you to understand that you're supposed to follow those orders. But you can't help that you are GENUINELY TERRIFIED of the voices because you have NO CONTROL over them. You absolutely ABHOR the fact that you do not have the ability to control yourself or the situations you're in. You often wonder why you seem to be the only one who hears them. You constantly ask them who they are, why they are doing this, and what their purpose is, but they never reply. Well, they do, but just with more orders to kill.

As a sidenote, trolls are expected to be able to kill of their own will anyway, so everyone else would probably see him as a weakling too for just not wanting to kill.

Your trolltag is yernHaphazard and you always r3Em3Emb3Er to b3E r3Esp3Ectful, but in y3Er 3Excit3Em3Ent t3End to l3Eav3E y3Er s3Ent3Enc3Es hangin
g.


I don't understand the trollTag. He haphazardly yearns...? Yearn is spelled with an A as well.

The quirk is annoying to read, but it's far from illegible at least.

You mention he likes to explore, invent games for himself, and knit. These are the three hobbies that most trolls have, I hope. Find a way to link them all together, somewhat like you did with exploring and the games. Also, define what kind of games he prefers and turn it into a real hobby/interest. The knitting needs a more solid connection other than it just "calms him down," since beforehand I get the feeling he's the type who would have major trouble being able to stick with actually knitting.

Drop the voices aspect completely unless you're willing to invest a lot of time into researching an actual condition.

He shouldn't have facepaint unless he's a subjugglator. Subjugglators as a whole should just be avoided, really.

He needs a fetch modus and strife specibus as well.

Describe how he views the hemospectrum and how other trolls see him.

The profile pulses with the red energy of critique.

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Silvy Wrote:(my mouth is made of money because every joke i tell is pure gold)
Ocfos Wrote:[3:58:25 PM] Ocfos: Yes it is.
[4:02:07 PM] Ocfos: Breeding solve everything.
[4:02:15 PM] Ocfos: Just look at Africa.
[4:02:25 PM] Ocfos: Need help feeding the children? Get more.
[4:02:46 PM] Ocfos: Tell them to feed them.
[4:03:20 PM] Ocfos: And then you hvve a regurgilating suorce of energy
Reply
07-06-2013, 06:00 PM (This post was last modified: 07-07-2013 01:59 PM by Arlick.)
Post: #46
RE: Trollslum Critique Thread
So I was wondering as to whether a large flabby troll would be suitable for this in anyway, assuming he doesn't get his ass culled simply for taking up so much space. Also WHY HANDS UGH WHY DID I DECIDE ON HANDS
[Image: MalcohRalcik-Nonplussed_zpsfcfe0f4d.png]

You are MALCOH RALCIK, a large 120kg 5'8" Olive blooded male troll whose sole contact with other trolls includes working the junkyard for scrap metal and visiting cafes. You are quite hemoloyal and will only disobey obscene requests. At SEVEN SWEEPS old, you figure it's high time to get off your large butt and make some actual friends, before the drones come knocking.

Your HIVE is located in a SWAMP. With your TORDLE (Toad/Turtle) Lusii, you have learnt the importance of sure-footing and able defence. You love your Lusus to bits, and can't imagine life without the guidance it provides. You keep a back-plate with your TORDLE's shell-pattern engraved on it in your sylladex as a symbol of gratitude.

In the junkyard, your work takes form of REPAIRING, selling off scrap metal, and killing the occasional mudblooded thief. You have taken to using their blood as a dye, as well as hanging the crumpled corpses around the yard to dissuade thieves. You consider both of these 'activities' as a show of your exploits. You have also found that due to learning how to move about the swamp, it is easier to navigate the junkyard. The other scrappers have come to respect your ability to find parts in the heap, they'd hesitate to call you a leader as they find your creative side a bit extreme and most of the odd pieces you make tend to have an unusable quality, such as the COG-HEAD SLEDGE you made recently.

Although your hive location isn't perfect for your hobby of ENGINEERING, the hike to the nearest junkyard provides ample workout for those muscles hidden under rolls of flab. In spite of your girth, you have a decent array of survival skills, as such TRAPPING and WILDERNESS SURVIVAL are considered your forte, though you wish you were better at LEATHERWORKING. Most might think your use of a VARIABLE-HEAD SLEDGEHAMMER as unconventional while hunting, but it works well for you. Currently you are working on a motor, and plan on creating some sort of vehicle to make your journey between hive and "work" easy, though it's maneuverability in your swamp would be questionable.

Your inherit nature to consume any and all foodstuffs present are what you believe led to your large size, a trait you are don't regret having in the least, though others might find your size to be grotesque and a reason to cull you.

In case of emergency, you always carry a small case of sutures in your FIX-IT FETCHMODUS, which requires you to repair an object whenever you want to retrieve it. To prevent never being able to use anything, you carry a small wrench in your TOOLBELT. Other objects in your toolbelt include: A skinning knife, a rubber mallet, some strange smoke-inducing powder and a coffee mug.

Should you be forced to fight, you keep your VARIABLE-HEAD SLEDGEHAMMER in your BLUNT-CHANGE Strife specibus. Currently you are able to use a flat-head, spike-head and cog-head sledges, though you're unsure as to the effectiveness of that last one.

Your aptitude for resourcefulness has led to you striving to become a FLEET-MECHADIATOR ((mechanic/gladiator, couldn't think of something better. Maybe engineer/gladiator?)) as you believe that your creativity in construction can flourish while you make repairs mid-battle.

Your trolltag is heavyWeight [hW] and you speok with o bit of o slur' os well os swopping opostrophes for commos.

tl;dr
Gender: male
Age: Seven sweeps
Name: Malcoh Ralcik
Hemocolour: Olive
Height: 5'8"
Weight: 120kg
Appearance: Large, arms folded, combination of muscle/fat. Wears a welding cap, toolbelt.
Symbol: Triangle with two lines missing.
Tag: heavyWeight [hW]
Quirk: Slurs (replaces 'a' with 'o', swaps apostrophes and commas around.
Modus: FIX-IT (requires an item to be fixed on retrieval)
Specibus: Variable-head sledgehammer

Things i know i need to fix include:
-right arm
-arm proportions
-hands
-mouth & chin
-horns
-Getting the shirt to appear the right shape
-shading (this will probably remain a curse forever)
-fluidity in bio

Thanks in advance!

--EDIT--
Updated sprite and bio.

lysdicex's, nutie!
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07-07-2013, 03:39 PM
Post: #47
RE: Trollslum Critique Thread
(07-06-2013 06:00 PM)Arlick Wrote:  So I was wondering as to whether a large flabby troll would be suitable for this in anyway, assuming he doesn't get his ass culled simply for taking up so much space. Also WHY HANDS UGH WHY DID I DECIDE ON HANDS
[Image: MalcohRalcik-Nonplussed_zpsfcfe0f4d.png]

You are MALCOH RALCIK, a large 120kg 5'8" Olive blooded male troll whose sole contact with other trolls includes working the junkyard for scrap metal and visiting cafes. Avoid mention the cafe in the profile. It's supposed to talk more about the troll. Also, wouldn't he be able to talk to people through trollian? You are quite hemoloyal and will only disobey obscene requests. At SEVEN SWEEPS old, you figure it's high time to get off your large butt and make some actual friends, before the drones come knocking.

Your HIVE is located in a SWAMP. With your TORDLE (Toad/Turtle) Lusii, you have learned the importance of sure-footing and able defense. You love your Lusus to bits, and can't imagine life without the guidance it provides. You keep a back-plate with your TORDLE's shell-pattern engraved on it in your sylladex as a symbol of gratitude.

In the junkyard, your work takes form of REPAIRING, selling off scrap metal, and killing the occasional mudblooded thief. What does he sell the scrap for? Favors? Supplies? A barter system would make more sense than just the usual exchange of money. You have taken to using their blood as a dye, as well as hanging the crumpled corpses around the yard to dissuade thieves. You consider both of these 'activities' as a show of your exploits. You have also found that due to learning how to move about the swamp, it is easier to navigate the junkyard. The terrain in a junkyard is completely different from that of a swamp, so this makes no sense. The other scrappers have come to respect your ability to find parts in the heap, they'd hesitate to call you a leader as they find your creative side a bit extreme and most of the odd pieces you make tend to have an unusable quality, such as the COG-HEAD SLEDGE you made recently.

Why would trolls have junkyards in the first place? This would entirely hinge upon someone bothering to throw discarded pieces into the same area. It would make more sense if he had spent his life up to this point putting the entire thing together himself for him to live in. Why even have him live in a swamp in the first place?

Although your hive location isn't perfect for your hobby of ENGINEERING, the hike to the nearest junkyard provides ample workout for those muscles hidden under rolls of flab. In spite of your girth, you have a decent array of survival skills, as such TRAPPING and WILDERNESS SURVIVAL are considered your forte, though you wish you were better at LEATHERWORKING. Most might think your use of a VARIABLE-HEAD SLEDGEHAMMER as unconventional while hunting, but it works well for you. Currently you are working on a motor, and plan on creating some sort of vehicle to make your journey between hive and "work" easy, though it's maneuverability in your swamp would be questionable. A sledgehammer would be a terrible hunting weapon no matter the skill of the user. That would require him to run after animals to catch them, and animals are probably a lot better at running than he is.

Your inherit nature to consume any and all foodstuffs present are what you believe led to your large size, a trait you are don't regret having in the least, though others might find your size to be grotesque and a reason to cull you.

A troll this fat would definitely become more of a target for society. It's alright to have strong trolls, but there doesn't really seem to be a reason at all for him to be fat. It doesn't play any part in his character whatsoever, it just makes him stick out like a sore thumb. And something that sticks out too much in troll society is a death sentence, especially on a world where survival of the fittest is key. Just have him be muscular if you want him to stay "large."

In case of emergency, you always carry a small case of sutures in your FIX-IT FETCHMODUS, which requires you to repair an object whenever you want to retrieve it. To prevent never being able to use anything, you carry a small wrench in your TOOLBELT. Other objects in your toolbelt include: A skinning knife, a rubber mallet, some strange smoke-inducing powder and a coffee mug. Does the fetch modus spawn something for him to fix? That's about the only way it could work. Otherwise he'd be flinging random objects from his modus every time he bothered to repair something.

Should you be forced to fight, you keep your VARIABLE-HEAD SLEDGEHAMMER in your BLUNT-CHANGE Strife specibus. Currently you are able to use a flat-head, spike-head and cog-head sledges, though you're unsure as to the effectiveness of that last one.

....What? His strife specibus would just be hammerKind. It doesn't matter what kind of hammer, it will still be hammer kind. Also, a sledgehammer with a spike on it wouldn't really change much, and, if anything, would just make it more unwieldy to use.

Your aptitude for resourcefulness has led to you striving to become a FLEET-MECHADIATOR ((mechanic/gladiator, couldn't think of something better. Maybe engineer/gladiator?)) as you believe that your creativity in construction can flourish while you make repairs mid-battle.

Your trolltag is heavyWeight [hW] and you speok with o bit of o slur' os well os swopping opostrophes for commos.

The trolltag is a little unimaginative. Try using a thesaurus to come up with something that pops out more.

Overall, it's not too bad of a profile. You should just drop his "fat" thing completely. Trolls wouldn't normally have junkyards. Just have him collect scrap as a hobby, so he can create things on his own.

I'm having trouble identifying what his main hobbies are. He seems to like creative engineering, survival tactics and....that's about it? You need to connect the interests together and explain why he has a special interest in them outside of pure necessity. Every troll on the planet understands the need to survive, after all.




tl;dr
Gender: male
Age: Seven sweeps
Name: Malcoh Ralcik
Hemocolour: Olive
Height: 5'8"
Weight: 120kg
Appearance: Large, arms folded, combination of muscle/fat. Wears a welding cap, toolbelt.
Symbol: Triangle with two lines missing.
Tag: heavyWeight [hW]
Quirk: Slurs (replaces 'a' with 'o', swaps apostrophes and commas around.
Modus: FIX-IT (requires an item to be fixed on retrieval)
Specibus: Variable-head sledgehammer

Crit is in red, yo. Under the spoiler.

Where we're going we don't need fancherubs
[Image: Argumi.gif][Image: Famynn.gif][Image: Genosi.gif][Image: Gaveyo.gif]
[Image: Floaty.gif][Image: Deveii.gif][Image: Portec.gif][Image: lrduwpk]
[Image: Yarrex.gif]
Silvy Wrote:(my mouth is made of money because every joke i tell is pure gold)
Ocfos Wrote:[3:58:25 PM] Ocfos: Yes it is.
[4:02:07 PM] Ocfos: Breeding solve everything.
[4:02:15 PM] Ocfos: Just look at Africa.
[4:02:25 PM] Ocfos: Need help feeding the children? Get more.
[4:02:46 PM] Ocfos: Tell them to feed them.
[4:03:20 PM] Ocfos: And then you hvve a regurgilating suorce of energy
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07-07-2013, 03:48 PM (This post was last modified: 07-08-2013 01:12 PM by Arlick.)
Post: #48
RE: Trollslum Critique Thread
Thanks for the comprehensive response, I'll get right on fixing that!

---

I'll leave this here for further critique. Changed a few things, least of which being the bio. Should make a bit more sense now.

[Image: MalcohRalcik-Nonplussed_zpsd0ea319a.png]

You are MALCOH RALCIK, a large 120kg 5'8" Olive blooded male troll whose main contact with other trolls includes working a nearby forge, something which you had planned to buy when you have the cash. You are quite hemoloyal and will only disobey obscene requests. You sometimes talk to other trolls via Trollian, though mostly to confirm orders for the forge. Most trolls would question your creativity, though they wouldn't deny the more useful creations. At SEVEN SWEEPS old, you figure it's high time to get up and make some actual friends, before the drones come knocking.

Your HIVE is located near a cliff. With your MOUNTAIN-GOAT Lusii, you have learned the importance of sure-footing. You love your Lusus to bits, and can't imagine life without the guidance it provides.

As far as hobbies go, yours would appear to require high-input. Concerning yourself mostly with SMELTING/SMITHING, ROBOTICS and ENGINEERING. You have attempted both masonry and leatherworking, of which you find a strange relaxation in doing.

Although your hive has yet to be equipped for your hobby of ENGINEERING, the hike to the nearest forge provides ample time to reflect on life and your simple place within it. The joy of smelting aside, you wish to be able to create functioning parts for robotics and strife purposes. As such, you apply yourself diligently to prove yourself as the best your part of the spectrum can produce, though you often end up with mixed results. Currently you are working on a motor, and plan on creating some sort of vehicle to make your journey between hive and "work" easy.

Your ROBOTICS work itself leaves much to consider. Between wiring and coding, you have yet to make a non-volatile prosthetic. This hasn't deterred you in the slightest, as many serving-drone projects have demonstrated your ability, and refires this passion whenever you fear it becomes dying.

Every so often, a mudblood or even a redblood attempts to steal items from the forge. This has caused you to impart upon them the wisdom of a hammer. Dierectly into the thinkpan. You have taken to leaving the corpses hanging around in attempt to dissuade further thievery.

As SMITHING itself goes, you consider yourself an adept. Fully repaired chainsaw equipment, retro-fitted crossbows with sustained fire functionality and a W.I.P powered suit of armour are your crowning glories, taking time to perfect each piece in each item.

You have merely dabbled in masonry and leatherworking, finding them peaceful. However, your few attempts at masonry end up unsellable, while leatherworking has yielded only two useful items: your weldingcap and toolbelt.

In case of emergency, you always carry a small case of sutures in your PUZZLEBOX FETCHMODUS, which creates a small puzzle to solve in order to retrieve an item. You enjoy the challenge, as it aids your memory for robotics, however the increasing difficulty for the more complex items you keep often leaves you peeved. In case you need to repair anything on the go, you carry a small wrench in your toolbelt. Other objects in your toolbelt include: a rubber mallet, some fast burning powder and a coffee mug.

Should you be forced to fight, you keep your VARIABLE-HEAD SLEDGEHAMMER in your HAMMERKIND Strife specibus. Currently you are able to use a flat-head, spike-head and cog-head sledges, though you're unsure as to the effectiveness of those last two.

Your aptitude for resourcefulness has led to you striving to become a FLEET-MECHADIATOR ((mechanic/gladiator, couldn't think of something better. Maybe engineer/gladiator?)) as you believe that your creativity in construction can flourish while you make repairs mid-battle.

Your trolltag is encumberingPayload [eP] and you speok with o bit of o slur' os well os swopping opostrophes for commos.

tl;dr
Gender: male
Age: Seven sweeps
Name: Malcoh Ralcik
Hemocolour: Olive
Height: 5'8"
Weight: 120kg ((if there's a better measurement for trolls, tell me. Otherwise i'm leaving it in kilos))
Appearance: Large, arms folded, muscle. Wears a welding cap, toolbelt and gloves.
Symbol: Triangle with two lines missing.
Tag: encumberingPayload [eP]
Quirk: Slurs (replaces 'a' with 'o', swaps apostrophes and commas around.
Modus: PUZZLEBOX
Specibus: hammerkind (Variable-head sledgehammer)

Yes that thing on the right of the belt is a coffee mug. With coffee in it. It's intention is to be out of place.

lysdicex's, nutie!
Reply
07-08-2013, 05:53 PM (This post was last modified: 07-08-2013 05:53 PM by Dudemaster47.)
Post: #49
RE: Trollslum Critique Thread
Aight guys, prepare for a big dose of profile for the critiquing.

>Be the toxic detective.

[Image: ag-2.png][Image: EioX2vZ.png]

Your name is DRAPIA SKORPI and you're something of a JUSTICE NUT.

You believe wholeheartedly in RETRIBUTION AND REVENGE, and seek out the corrupt, the evil, and the utterly criminal with the intent of CLEANING THE SCUM FROM ALTERNIA. You do this through DECEIT, CUNNING, AND MANIPULATION, preferring to lure them to you so you can strike when they least expect it. Infiltrating quadrants, forming false friendships and rivalries... anything it takes to get them close. Your preferred method of delivery is through POISONING, carrying all manners of lethal VENOMS, TOXINS, AND CONCOCTIONS to slip into drinks or food while your "companions" are not paying attention.

You aren't entirely sure when you got heavily into studying THE LAW, but you believe it has something to do with your long-standing love of both DETECTIVE NOVELS and FILM NOIR, intrests you have had since you were a mere GRUB. See, you fell victim to a serious illness as a wriggler and were mostly confined to your hive for a very, very long time, protected by your SCORPIONMOM. You would pass the time through reading and watching movies, soon falling in love with the FEMME FATALES of the genre. As you grew stronger and more able to defend yourself, you decided to emulate the dangerous women, to use the skills of the detectives and your own feminine wiles to DISPENSE JUSTICE THROUGH ANY MEANS NECESSARY. To you, the ends justify the means, and you will frequently use deceptive, underhanded, and borderline criminal tactics to investigate and apprehend an evildoer and gain his trust. You have a few substance problems, and can be known to SMOKE and DRINK quite heavily. You picked up these habits trying to emulate your "heroes" of the silver screen, and have never been able to drop them. After all, addictions are a powerful thing. You also have a fondness for PLAYING CARDS, seeing them as representations of THE FOUR QUADRANTS. You love card games to a fault, especially ones that have something riding on them. Each game is a tale of romance and loss to you, and THAT IS HOW YOU LIKE IT.

You also have a bit of an odd obsession with the NUMBER EIGHT, it being the NUMBER OF EYES AND LEGS of your lusus and the WILD CARD of one of your FAVORITE GAMES. As a result, you tend to organize your hive and your life around that number. Everything you own is generally organized in sets of eight, you even had your staircases modified so that there's a landing every eight steps. The most peculiar aspect of your obsession is that you keep the FOUR WILDEST CARDS on your person at all times, and can even lose your near-perpetual cool if you are unable to locate them. Almost equal to your obsession with your LUCKY NUMBER is your obsession with the COLOR GREEN, leading to some rather...INTERESTING FASHION CHOICES. The interior of your hive is almost entirely made up of shades of green as well, leading to a somewhat disorienting appearance. Unlike your SUPERSTITIONS, you...just really like green.

You tend to act very SWEET and INNOCENT, and generally treat most people fairly respectably regardless of blood. While you are not immune to judging others based on appearance, you generally are not one to make fun of others although you may crack a joke at another person's expense on occasion. You're really quite BUBBLY and EXCITABLE most of the time, although you mesh it in with a somewhat laid-back and fairly cozy demeanor. Except you're actually totally COLD AND CALCULATING, and use your apparently friendly and warm personality to MANIPULATE OTHERS TO YOUR OWN ENDS. You are obsessed with punishing others for their misdeeds and will resort to HARMING AND KILLING INNOCENT PEOPLE if it means that you can get to someone who would put even more people in danger. Your weapon of choice is a TORTURE DEVICE, and you will use it in your investigations to get information and dirt on your targets, as well as to punish minor offenders who might prove a nuisance to you. You do not enjoy hurting others, per se, but you see it as a NECESSARY EVIL to take down greater internal threats to the Alternian Empire. You dream of someday joining the most elite ranks of the LEGISLACERATORS, the enigmatic DEATHSTALKERS, who not only forgo the law to track down and eliminate the most dangerous lawbreakers, but are ABOVE THE LAW THEMSELVES.

Your lusus is a massive scorpion, one the size of an Earth grizzly bear. Its venom is extraordinarily potent, enough to keep any and all potential threats away from your desert hive. Anyway, your Modus is the CRAZY EIGHTS MODUS, a modus that assigns suits and numbers to your cards and forces you to match cards and suits until only the item you wish to withdraw is left. Unless the item is assigned an 8, in which case you can withdraw it immediately. Your weapon is a CAT O' 9 TAILS SANS ONE TAIL, making your specibus 8/9 whipKind. You also have capsuleKind as a specibus, where you store various toxins and lethal Your trolltag is arthropodsGame and you like to t@lk with @ little bit of s@cch@rine sweetness and bl@t@ntly flirt@tious m@nnerisms, hon.

tl;dr
Name: Drapia Skorpi
Blood Color: Teal, #008282
Age: 8 Sweeps
Lusus: Large Scorpion
Modus: Crazy Eights
Specibus: 8/9whipKind
Trolltag: arthropodsGame
Quirk: a, at=@. A bit of a belle, as well...

Crit away!
Reply
07-09-2013, 06:23 AM
Post: #50
RE: Trollslum Critique Thread
(07-07-2013 03:48 PM)Arlick Wrote:  Thanks for the comprehensive response, I'll get right on fixing that!

---

I'll leave this here for further critique. Changed a few things, least of which being the bio. Should make a bit more sense now.

[Image: MalcohRalcik-Nonplussed_zpsd0ea319a.png]

You are MALCOH RALCIK, a large 120kg 5'8" Olive blooded male troll whose main contact with other trolls includes working a nearby forge, something which you had planned to buy when you have the cash. You are quite hemoloyal and will only disobey obscene requests. You sometimes talk to other trolls via Trollian, though mostly to confirm orders for the forge. Most trolls would question your creativity, though they wouldn't deny the more useful creations. At SEVEN SWEEPS old, you figure it's high time to get up and make some actual friends, before the drones come knocking.

Your HIVE is located near a cliff. With your MOUNTAIN-GOAT Lusii, you have learned the importance of sure-footing. You love your Lusus to bits, and can't imagine life without the guidance it provides.

As far as hobbies go, yours would appear to require high-input. Concerning yourself mostly with SMELTING/SMITHING, ROBOTICS and ENGINEERING. You have attempted both masonry and leatherworking, of which you find a strange relaxation in doing.

Although your hive has yet to be equipped for your hobby of ENGINEERING, the hike to the nearest forge provides ample time to reflect on life and your simple place within it. The joy of smelting aside, you wish to be able to create functioning parts for robotics and strife purposes. As such, you apply yourself diligently to prove yourself as the best your part of the spectrum can produce, though you often end up with mixed results. Currently you are working on a motor, and plan on creating some sort of vehicle to make your journey between hive and "work" easy.

Your ROBOTICS work itself leaves much to consider. Between wiring and coding, you have yet to make a non-volatile prosthetic. This hasn't deterred you in the slightest, as many serving-drone projects have demonstrated your ability, and refires this passion whenever you fear it becomes dying.

Every so often, a mudblood or even a redblood attempts to steal items from the forge. This has caused you to impart upon them the wisdom of a hammer. Dierectly into the thinkpan. You have taken to leaving the corpses hanging around in attempt to dissuade further thievery.

As SMITHING itself goes, you consider yourself an adept. Fully repaired chainsaw equipment, retro-fitted crossbows with sustained fire functionality and a W.I.P powered suit of armour are your crowning glories, taking time to perfect each piece in each item.

You have merely dabbled in masonry and leatherworking, finding them peaceful. However, your few attempts at masonry end up unsellable, while leatherworking has yielded only two useful items: your weldingcap and toolbelt.

In case of emergency, you always carry a small case of sutures in your PUZZLEBOX FETCHMODUS, which creates a small puzzle to solve in order to retrieve an item. You enjoy the challenge, as it aids your memory for robotics; however the increasing difficulty for the more complex items you keep often leaves you peeved. In case you need to repair anything on the go, you carry a small wrench in your toolbelt. Other objects in your toolbelt include: a rubber mallet, some flammable powder and a coffee mug.

Should you be forced to fight, you keep your VARIABLE-HEAD SLEDGEHAMMER in your HAMMERKIND Strife specibus. Currently you are able to use a flat-head, spike-head and cog-head sledges, though you're unsure as to the effectiveness of those last two.

Your aptitude for resourcefulness has led to you striving to become a FLEET-MECHADIATOR ((mechanic/gladiator, couldn't think of something better. Maybe engineer/gladiator?)) as you believe that your creativity in construction can flourish while you make repairs mid-battle.

Your trolltag is encumberingPayload [eP] and you speok with o bit of o slur' os well os swopping opostrophes for commos.

tl;dr
Gender: male
Age: Seven sweeps
Name: Malcoh Ralcik
Hemocolour: Olive
Height: 5'8"
Weight: 120kg ((if there's a better measurement for trolls, tell me. Otherwise i'm leaving it in kilos))
Appearance: Large, arms folded, muscle. Wears a welding cap, toolbelt and gloves.
Symbol: Triangle with two lines missing.
Tag: encumberingPayload [eP]
Quirk: Slurs (replaces 'a' with 'o', swaps apostrophes and commas around.
Modus: PUZZLEBOX
Specibus: hammerkind (Variable-head sledgehammer)

Yes that thing on the right of the belt is a coffee mug. With coffee in it. It's intention is to be out of place.

First thing is first--the weight comment at the start isn't really necessary. It adds...virtually nothing. It's pointless. We can figure his approximate weight from his sprite--no need to emphasize.

Hiking, though, presents a conflict. If he is constantly hiking too and from the forge near a cliffside every night or even every other night, I don't see him possibly being this large in bodyfat by pure...well, fat. Especially working a forge and working with robotics, which is guaranteed to have involve heavy lifting. If anything, the only real places that would be "fat" would be the belly and maybe the face, as the arms and legs would be very toned and muscular from working an occupation as intense and punishing as is. On top of robotics, his hands would also be far more nimble--sausage-like fingers wouldn't work well in that regard (Let alone in advance robotics. You need a meticulous touch to that). In this case, seeing as you aren't trying to stay on the "pure fat" from before, I would say to redo his sprite to be more stocky in size than morbidly obese.

The bit about labeling reds and brownblooded trolls being thieves is overly specific. Simply saying something to the effect of "often times lowbloods will try to break in and steal from the forge" would be a lot better.

The sprite itself needs reworking towards the retooling of the profile. The symbol could do with smaller lines that don't look like...well, a bad MSPaint job. Possibly round the edges of the lines? Thinning or rounding them will work towards preferable balance.

Overall, the profile isn't too bad, but some glitches remain. It seems a bit inconsistent with what was initially planned and what started to result. Some touchups is all it takes to make this profile into a good one.
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