Trollslum Critique Thread
07-09-2013, 06:46 AM (This post was last modified: 07-09-2013 06:51 AM by Overlard.)
Post: #51
RE: Trollslum Critique Thread
(07-07-2013 03:48 PM)Arlick Wrote:  Thanks for the comprehensive response, I'll get right on fixing that!

---

I'll leave this here for further critique. Changed a few things, least of which being the bio. Should make a bit more sense now.

[Image: MalcohRalcik-Nonplussed_zpsd0ea319a.png]

I think you may have been going for a more musclebound look? He still looks real pudgy, but it's an improvement.

You are MALCOH RALCIK, a large 120kg 5'8" Olive blooded male troll whose main contact with other trolls includes working a nearby forge, something which you had planned to buy when you have the cash. You are quite hemoloyal and will only disobey obscene requests. You sometimes talk to other trolls via Trollian, though mostly to confirm orders for the forge. Most trolls would question your creativity, though they wouldn't deny the more useful creations. At SEVEN SWEEPS old, you figure it's high time to get up and make some actual friends, before the drones come knocking.

How does he see lowbloods? As the scum of society or just the bottom of the hemospectrum?

Your HIVE is located near a cliff. With your MOUNTAIN-GOAT Lusii, you have learned the importance of sure-footing. You love your Lusus to bits, and can't imagine life without the guidance it provides.

As far as hobbies go, yours would appear to require high-input. Concerning yourself mostly with SMELTING/SMITHING, ROBOTICS and ENGINEERING. You have attempted both masonry and leatherworking, of which you find a strange relaxation in doing.

Although your hive has yet to be equipped for your hobby of ENGINEERING, the hike to the nearest forge provides ample time to reflect on life and your simple place within it. The joy of smelting aside, you wish to be able to create functioning parts for robotics and strife purposes. As such, you apply yourself diligently to prove yourself as the best your part of the spectrum can produce, though you often end up with mixed results. Currently you are working on a motor, and plan on creating some sort of vehicle to make your journey between hive and "work" easy.

Your ROBOTICS work itself leaves much to consider. Between wiring and coding, you have yet to make a non-volatile prosthetic. This hasn't deterred you in the slightest, as many serving-drone projects have demonstrated your ability, and refires this passion whenever you fear it becomes dying.

Every so often, a mudblood or even a redblood attempts to steal items from the forge. This has caused you to impart upon them the wisdom of a hammer. Dierectly into the thinkpan. You have taken to leaving the corpses hanging around in attempt to dissuade further thievery.

As SMITHING itself goes, you consider yourself an adept. Fully repaired chainsaw equipment, retro-fitted crossbows with sustained fire functionality and a W.I.P powered suit of armour are your crowning glories, taking time to perfect each piece in each item.

You have merely dabbled in masonry and leatherworking, finding them peaceful. However, your few attempts at masonry end up unsellable, while leatherworking has yielded only two useful items: your weldingcap and toolbelt.

In case of emergency, you always carry a small case of sutures in your PUZZLEBOX FETCHMODUS, which creates a small puzzle to solve in order to retrieve an item. You enjoy the challenge, as it aids your memory for robotics, however the increasing difficulty for the more complex items you keep often leaves you peeved. In case you need to repair anything on the go, you carry a small wrench in your toolbelt. Other objects in your toolbelt include: a rubber mallet, some fast burning powder and a coffee mug.

Should you be forced to fight, you keep your VARIABLE-HEAD SLEDGEHAMMER in your HAMMERKIND Strife specibus. Currently you are able to use a flat-head, spike-head and cog-head sledges, though you're unsure as to the effectiveness of those last two.

Your aptitude for resourcefulness has led to you striving to become a FLEET-MECHADIATOR ((mechanic/gladiator, couldn't think of something better. Maybe engineer/gladiator?)) as you believe that your creativity in construction can flourish while you make repairs mid-battle.

Your trolltag is encumberingPayload [eP] and you speok with o bit of o slur' os well os swopping opostrophes for commos.

What does the quirk have to do with his character? What's his temperament like? What is he as a troll like? You've described his interests but I don't know what he himself is like. I can tell he's creative, and a little protective/territorial, but that's about it. Is he nice? Mean? Obnoxious? Demeaning? Energetic? Lethargic? Things like that.

Other than that, I don't see any problems with him. He's got the craftsman theme down and has a goal. Just find a way to link the quirk to him and explain what he's like as a troll in terms of personality. Also be sure to link the interests together as well in the profile, otherwise they're going to seem jumbled and out of place.

There's also some flow problems in the profile. Try to fit most of the interests into one, concise paragraph, rather than multiple short ones explaining them. It should go [Short intro] -> [Lusii/Hive/Hemospectrum thoughts] -> [Interests/Personality] -> [Fetch Modus] -> [Strife specibus] -> [trollTag and quirk]



tl;dr
Gender: male
Age: Seven sweeps
Name: Malcoh Ralcik
Hemocolour: Olive
Height: 5'8"
Weight: 120kg ((if there's a better measurement for trolls, tell me. Otherwise i'm leaving it in kilos)) The only other alternative would be pounds, but it hardly matters. Hopefully all that weight is in muscle.
Appearance: Large, arms folded, muscle. Wears a welding cap, toolbelt and gloves.
Symbol: Triangle with two lines missing.
Tag: encumberingPayload [eP]
Quirk: Slurs (replaces 'a' with 'o', swaps apostrophes and commas around.
Modus: PUZZLEBOX
Specibus: hammerkind (Variable-head sledgehammer)

Yes that thing on the right of the belt is a coffee mug. With coffee in it. It's intention is to be out of place.

(07-08-2013 05:53 PM)Dudemaster47 Wrote:  Aight guys, prepare for a big dose of profile for the critiquing.

>Be the toxic detective.

[Image: ag-2.png][Image: EioX2vZ.png]

Your name is DRAPIA SKORPI and you're something of a JUSTICE NUT.

You believe wholeheartedly in RETRIBUTION AND REVENGE, and seek out the corrupt, the evil, and the utterly criminal with the intent of CLEANING THE SCUM FROM ALTERNIA. You do this through DECEIT, CUNNING, AND MANIPULATION, preferring to lure them to you so you can strike when they least expect it. Infiltrating quadrants, forming false friendships and rivalries... anything it takes to get them close. Your preferred method of delivery is through POISONING, carrying all manners of lethal VENOMS, TOXINS, AND CONCOCTIONS to slip into drinks or food while your "companions" are not paying attention.

You aren't entirely sure when you got heavily into studying THE LAW, but you believe it has something to do with your long-standing love of both DETECTIVE NOVELS and FILM NOIR, interests you have had since you were a mere GRUB. See, you fell victim to a serious illness as a wriggler and were mostly confined to your hive for a very, very long time, protected by your SCORPIONMOM. You would pass the time through reading and watching movies, soon falling in love with the FEMME FATALES of the genre. As you grew stronger and more able to defend yourself, you decided to emulate the dangerous women, to use the skills of the detectives and your own feminine wiles to DISPENSE JUSTICE THROUGH ANY MEANS NECESSARY. To you, the ends justify the means, and you will frequently use deceptive, underhanded, and borderline criminal tactics to investigate and apprehend an evildoer and gain his trust. You have a few substance problems, and can be known to SMOKE and DRINK quite heavily. You picked up these habits trying to emulate your "heroes" of the silver screen, and have never been able to drop them. After all, addictions are a powerful thing. Be sure to accurately reflect the results of heavy drinking and smoking addictions. It's hard to be a femme fatale after a while of doing that. You also have a fondness for PLAYING CARDS, seeing them as representations of THE FOUR QUADRANTS. You love card games to a fault, especially ones that have something riding on them. Each game is a tale of romance and loss to you, and THAT IS HOW YOU LIKE IT.

You also have a bit of an odd obsession with the NUMBER EIGHT, it being the NUMBER OF EYES AND LEGS of your lusus and the WILD CARD of one of your FAVORITE GAMES. As a result, you tend to organize your hive and your life around that number. Everything you own is generally organized in sets of eight, you even had your staircases modified so that there's a landing every eight steps. The most peculiar aspect of your obsession is that you keep the FOUR WILDEST CARDS on your person at all times, and can even lose your near-perpetual cool if you are unable to locate them. Almost equal to your obsession with your LUCKY NUMBER is your obsession with the COLOR GREEN, Why? What's so special about green? leading to some rather...INTERESTING FASHION CHOICES. The interior of your hive is almost entirely made up of shades of green as well, leading to a somewhat disorienting appearance. Unlike your SUPERSTITIONS, you...just really like green.

You tend to act very SWEET and INNOCENT, and generally treat most people fairly respectably regardless of blood. While you are not immune to judging others based on appearance, you generally are not one to make fun of others although you may crack a joke at another person's expense on occasion. You're really quite BUBBLY and EXCITABLE most of the time, although you mesh it in with a somewhat laid-back and fairly cozy demeanor. Except you're actually totally COLD AND CALCULATING, and use your apparently friendly and warm personality to MANIPULATE OTHERS TO YOUR OWN ENDS. You are obsessed with punishing others for their misdeeds and will resort to HARMING AND KILLING INNOCENT PEOPLE if it means that you can get to someone who would put even more people in danger. Your weapon of choice is a TORTURE DEVICE, and you will use it in your investigations to get information and dirt on your targets, as well as to punish minor offenders who might prove a nuisance to you. You do not enjoy hurting others, per say, but you see it as a NECESSARY EVIL to take down greater internal threats to the Alternian Empire. You dream of someday joining the most elite ranks of the LEGISLACERATORS, the enigmatic DEATHSTALKERS, So...she's taking Terezi's dream to the next level. She should really get her own motivation. who not only forgo the law to track down and eliminate the most dangerous lawbreakers, but are ABOVE THE LAW THEMSELVES.

Your lusus is a massive scorpion, one the size of an Earth Do not mention Earth. This is supposed to be from the point of view of your troll. grizzly bear. Its venom is extraordinarily potent, enough to keep any and all potential threats away from your desert hive. Anyway, your Modus is the CRAZY EIGHTS MODUS, a modus that assigns suits and numbers to your cards and forces you to match cards and suits until only the item you wish to withdraw is left. Unless the item is assigned an 8, in which case you can withdraw it immediately. Your weapon is a CAT O' 9 TAILS SANS ONE TAIL, making your specibus 8/9 whipKind. Just whipKind is fine. It's not like every whip ever made has 9 tails. You also have capsuleKind as a specibus, where you store various toxins and lethal Your trolltag is arthropodsGame and you like to t@lk with @ little bit of s@cch@rine sweetness and bl@t@ntly flirt@tious m@nnerisms, hon.

This is literally Terezi slammed into Vriska at high speed so much that they're combined into one troll. I would suggest just going back to the base concept and trying to stay away as much as possible from Terezi and Vriska. No 8's obsession at all, and avoid having Terezi's almost-exact motivation. She can still like justice and the investigation, she just needs a different goal.

Just drop the green bit entirely, it doesn't really add anything and hogs an awful lot of the profile to itself. That also goes for the 8's obsession, which comes off as strictly Vriska.

Also, a lot of the profile really needs cutting down. Don't go overboard in describing back story and going into fluff. Leave that for your character to tell! Just show us what she's like, and the base reasons why, don't ruin the whole thing off the bat.

On the bright side, her take on deception is at least refreshing, as well as the interest in the whole investigative process.


tl;dr
Name: Drapia Skorpi
Blood Color: Teal, #008282
Age: 8 Sweeps
Lusus: Large Scorpion
Modus: Crazy Eights
Specibus: 8/9whipKind
Trolltag: arthropodsGame
Quirk: a, at=@. A bit of a belle, as well...

Crit away!

I'm parting the red sea to bring in some more red.

Where we're going we don't need fancherubs
[Image: Argumi.gif][Image: Famynn.gif][Image: Genosi.gif][Image: Gaveyo.gif]
[Image: Floaty.gif][Image: Deveii.gif][Image: Portec.gif][Image: lrduwpk]
[Image: Yarrex.gif]
Silvy Wrote:(my mouth is made of money because every joke i tell is pure gold)
Ocfos Wrote:[3:58:25 PM] Ocfos: Yes it is.
[4:02:07 PM] Ocfos: Breeding solve everything.
[4:02:15 PM] Ocfos: Just look at Africa.
[4:02:25 PM] Ocfos: Need help feeding the children? Get more.
[4:02:46 PM] Ocfos: Tell them to feed them.
[4:03:20 PM] Ocfos: And then you hvve a regurgilating suorce of energy
Reply
07-09-2013, 07:45 AM (This post was last modified: 07-09-2013 08:22 AM by Dudemaster47.)
Post: #52
RE: Trollslum Critique Thread
Gotcha. Figured I oughta cut out the little excess paragraph on her 8s, anyway, 'twas unnecessary. Any suggestions on how to differentiate the goal of joining the legislacerators without it being too similar to Terezi?

EDIT: Alright, I did some revising. How is it now?

>Be the toxic detective.

[Image: ag-2.png][Image: EioX2vZ.png]

Your name is DRAPIA SKORPI and you're something of a JUSTICE NUT.

You believe wholeheartedly in RETRIBUTION AND REVENGE, and seek out the corrupt, the evil, and the utterly criminal with the intent of CLEANSING THE SCUM FROM THE FACE OF ALTERNIA. You do this through DECEIT, CUNNING, AND MANIPULATION, preferring to lure them to you so you can strike when they least expect it. Infiltrating quadrants, forming false friendships and rivalries... anything it takes to get them close. Your preferred method of delivery is through POISONING, carrying all manners of lethal VENOMS, TOXINS, AND CONCOCTIONS to slip into drinks or food while your "companions" are not paying attention.

You aren't entirely sure when you got heavily into studying THE LAW, but you believe it has something to do with your long-standing love of both DETECTIVE NOVELS and FILM NOIR, interests you have had since you were a mere GRUB. As you grew stronger and more able to defend yourself, you decided to emulate the dangerous FEMME FATALES that permeated the genre, to use the skills of the detectives and your own feminine wiles to DISPENSE JUSTICE THROUGH ANY MEANS NECESSARY. To you, the ends justify the means, and you will frequently use deceptive, underhanded, and borderline criminal tactics to investigate and apprehend an evildoer and gain his trust. You have a few substance problems, and can be known to SMOKE and DRINK quite heavily...you actually really want to QUIT, but you've never been able to drop them. You also have a fondness for PLAYING CARDS and love card games to a fault, especially ones that have something riding on them. In fact, you generally can't turn down an offer of some kind of bet or wager, and tend to find the THRILL of HIGH-RISK GAMBLING to be extremely addictive in of itself! Unfortunately, you also have trouble knowing when to cut your losses and winnings, which has gotten you into some serious messes in the past with all manners of DEBTS.

You tend to act very SWEET and INNOCENT, and generally treat most people fairly respectably regardless of blood. While you are not immune to judging others based on appearance, you generally are not one to make fun of others although you may crack a joke at another person's expense on occasion. You're really quite BUBBLY and EXCITABLE most of the time, although you mesh it in with a somewhat laid-back and fairly cozy demeanor. Except you're actually totally COLD AND CALCULATING, and use your apparently friendly and warm personality to MANIPULATE OTHERS TO YOUR OWN ENDS. You are obsessed with punishing others for their misdeeds and will resort to HARMING AND KILLING INNOCENT PEOPLE if it means that you can get close to someone who would put even more people in danger. Your weapon of choice is a TORTURE DEVICE, and you will use it to great effect in your investigations to get information and dirt on your targets, as well as to punish minor offenders who might prove a nuisance to you. You do not enjoy hurting others who do not deserve it, per se, but you see it as a NECESSARY EVIL to take down greater internal threats to the Alternian Empire. You dream of someday joining the enigmatic DEATHSTALKERS, elite assassins and law enforcement officials who track down and eliminate the most dangerous and vicious criminals by any means necessary, even if that means breaking the law to do so.

Your lusus is a massive scorpion, one the size of a bear. Its venom is extraordinarily potent, enough to keep any and all potential threats away from your desert hive. Anyway, your Modus is the CRAZY EIGHTS MODUS, a modus that assigns suits and numbers to your cards and forces you to match cards and suits until only the item you wish to withdraw is left. Unless the item is assigned an 8, in which case you can withdraw it immediately. Your weapon is a CAT O' 9 TAILS, your strife specibus being whipKind. You also have capsuleKind as a specibus, where you store various toxins and poisons to draw upon whenever you may need them. Your trolltag is arthropodsGame and you like to t@lk with @ little bit of s@cch@rine sweetness and bl@t@ntly flirt@tious m@nnerisms, hon.

tl;dr
Name: Drapia Skorpi
Blood Color: Teal, #008282
Age: 8 Sweeps
Lusus: Large Scorpion
Modus: Crazy Eights
Specibus: whipKind
Trolltag: arthropodsGame
Quirk: a, at=@. A bit of a belle, as well...
Reply
07-09-2013, 12:07 PM
Post: #53
RE: Trollslum Critique Thread
(07-09-2013 07:45 AM)Dudemaster47 Wrote:  Gotcha. Figured I oughta cut out the little excess paragraph on her 8s, anyway, 'twas unnecessary. Any suggestions on how to differentiate the goal of joining the legislacerators without it being too similar to Terezi?

EDIT: Alright, I did some revising. How is it now?

>Be the toxic detective.

[Image: ag-2.png][Image: EioX2vZ.png]

Your name is DRAPIA SKORPI and you're something of a JUSTICE NUT.

You believe wholeheartedly in RETRIBUTION AND REVENGE, and seek out the corrupt, the evil, and the utterly criminal with the intent of CLEANSING THE SCUM FROM THE FACE OF ALTERNIA. You do this through DECEIT, CUNNING, AND MANIPULATION, preferring to lure them to you so you can strike when they least expect it. Infiltrating quadrants, forming false friendships and rivalries... anything it takes to get them close. Your preferred method of delivery is through POISONING, carrying all manners of lethal VENOMS, TOXINS, AND CONCOCTIONS to slip into drinks or food while your "companions" are not paying attention.

You aren't entirely sure when you got heavily into studying THE LAW, but you believe it has something to do with your long-standing love of both DETECTIVE NOVELS and FILM NOIR, interests you have had since you were a mere GRUB. As you grew stronger and more able to defend yourself, you decided to emulate the dangerous FEMME FATALES that permeated the genre, to use the skills of the detectives and your own feminine wiles to DISPENSE JUSTICE THROUGH ANY MEANS NECESSARY. To you, the ends justify the means, and you will frequently use deceptive, underhanded, and borderline criminal tactics to investigate and apprehend an evildoer and gain his trust. You have a few substance problems, and can be known to SMOKE and DRINK quite heavily...you actually really want to QUIT, but you've never been able to drop them. You also have a fondness for PLAYING CARDS and love card games to a fault, especially ones that have something riding on them. In fact, you generally can't turn down an offer of some kind of bet or wager, and tend to find the THRILL of HIGH-RISK GAMBLING to be extremely addictive in of itself! Unfortunately, you also have trouble knowing when to cut your losses and winnings, which has gotten you into some serious messes in the past with all manners of DEBTS.

You tend to act very SWEET and INNOCENT, and generally treat most people fairly respectably regardless of blood. While you are not immune to judging others based on appearance, you generally are not one to make fun of others although you may crack a joke at another person's expense on occasion. You're really quite BUBBLY and EXCITABLE most of the time, although you mesh it in with a somewhat laid-back and fairly cozy demeanor. Except you're actually totally COLD AND CALCULATING, and use your apparently friendly and warm personality to MANIPULATE OTHERS TO YOUR OWN ENDS. You are obsessed with punishing others for their misdeeds and will resort to HARMING AND KILLING INNOCENT PEOPLE if it means that you can get close to someone who would put even more people in danger. Your weapon of choice is a TORTURE DEVICE, and you will use it to great effect in your investigations to get information and dirt on your targets, as well as to punish minor offenders who might prove a nuisance to you. You do not enjoy hurting others who do not deserve it, per se, but you see it as a NECESSARY EVIL to take down greater internal threats to the Alternian Empire. You dream of someday joining the enigmatic DEATHSTALKERS, elite assassins and law enforcement officials who track down and eliminate the most dangerous and vicious criminals by any means necessary, even if that means breaking the law to do so.

Your lusus is a massive scorpion, one the size of a bear. Its venom is extraordinarily potent, enough to keep any and all potential threats away from your desert hive. Anyway, your Modus is the CRAZY EIGHTS MODUS, a modus that assigns suits and numbers to your cards and forces you to match cards and suits until only the item you wish to withdraw is left. Unless the item is assigned an 8, in which case you can withdraw it immediately. Your weapon is a CAT O' 9 TAILS, your strife specibus being whipKind. You also have capsuleKind as a specibus, where you store various toxins and poisons to draw upon whenever you may need them. Your trolltag is arthropodsGame and you like to t@lk with @ little bit of s@cch@rine sweetness and bl@t@ntly flirt@tious m@nnerisms, hon.

About the only thing I have a problem with is the trolltag having the same initials as Vriska's, and that's absolutely minor.

There should be an explanation of how she gets all those poisons mentioned earlier, though.

Other than that though, my only suggestion is to possibly slice up the profile into shorter, separate paragraphs just to give off less of a wall-of-text feel. Good job!


tl;dr
Name: Drapia Skorpi
Blood Color: Teal, #008282
Age: 8 Sweeps
Lusus: Large Scorpion
Modus: Crazy Eights
Specibus: whipKind
Trolltag: arthropodsGame
Quirk: a, at=@. A bit of a belle, as well...

Red red red red redrum

Where we're going we don't need fancherubs
[Image: Argumi.gif][Image: Famynn.gif][Image: Genosi.gif][Image: Gaveyo.gif]
[Image: Floaty.gif][Image: Deveii.gif][Image: Portec.gif][Image: lrduwpk]
[Image: Yarrex.gif]
Silvy Wrote:(my mouth is made of money because every joke i tell is pure gold)
Ocfos Wrote:[3:58:25 PM] Ocfos: Yes it is.
[4:02:07 PM] Ocfos: Breeding solve everything.
[4:02:15 PM] Ocfos: Just look at Africa.
[4:02:25 PM] Ocfos: Need help feeding the children? Get more.
[4:02:46 PM] Ocfos: Tell them to feed them.
[4:03:20 PM] Ocfos: And then you hvve a regurgilating suorce of energy
Reply
07-09-2013, 05:16 PM (This post was last modified: 07-09-2013 07:22 PM by Arlick.)
Post: #54
RE: Trollslum Critique Thread
Ok well im happy enough with the profile as is, i'll just condense it a bit. I'll edit this when i've got a more tweaked sprite (e.g. making that left arm look less like rubber), and will definitely keep those things in mind for my next troll.

----
Ok, assuming this is an improvement then i've got the go ahead to use him in Cafe.

[Image: MalcohRalcik-Nonplussed_zps271b3272.png]

You are MALCOH RALCIK, a 5'8" Olive blooded male troll whose main contact with other trolls is working a nearby forge. You are quite hemoloyal and will only disobey obscene requests. You dislike lowbloods due to the trouble they have caused the forge, though you may make exceptions. You sometimes talk to other trolls via Trollian, more often to confirm orders for the forge. Most trolls would question your creativity, though they wouldn't deny the more useful creations. Some may find you overbearing when you speak to them. At SEVEN SWEEPS old, you figure it's high time to get up and make some actual friends, before the drones come knocking.

Your HIVE is located near a cliff. With your MOUNTAIN-GOAT Lusii, you have learned the importance of sure-footing. You love your Lusus to bits, and can't imagine life without the guidance it provides.

As far as hobbies go, yours would appear to require high-input. Concerning yourself mostly with SMELTING/SMITHING, ROBOTICS and ENGINEERING. You have attempted both masonry and leatherworking, of which you find a strange relaxation in doing.

You enjoy SMITHING because you find the rythmic beat of hammer upon steel to be both soothing and disciplinary. Not to mention that it allows you to custom-create parts for both engineering and robotics. In ENGINEERING you have made a chainsaw from scratch, designed and built a fully-functioning rapid-fire crossbow and have begun work on your crowning glory: a POWERSUIT. This combines your skill of ROBOTICS and has forced you to create a pair of gloves with proboscis-like tips to grip the smaller fiddly wires and pieces. You also are working on a hovercycle to ease transit between places.

You have merely dabbled in masonry and leatherworking, finding them peaceful. However, your few attempts at masonry end up unsellable, while leatherworking has yielded only two useful items: your weldingcap and toolbelt.

Every so often, a lowblood attempts to steal items from the forge. This has caused you to impart upon them the wisdom of a hammer. Dierectly into the thinkpan. You have taken to leaving the corpses hanging around in attempt to dissuade further thievery.

In case of emergency, you always carry a small case of sutures in your PUZZLEBOX FETCHMODUS, which creates a small puzzle to solve in order to retrieve an item. You enjoy the challenge, however the increasing difficulty for more complex items you keep often leaves you peeved. In case you need to repair anything on the go, you carry in your toolbelt: A small wrench, a rubber mallet, some flammable powder and a coffee mug.

Should you be forced to fight, you keep your VARIABLE-HEAD SLEDGEHAMMER in your HAMMERKIND Strife specibus. Currently you are able to use a flat-head, spike-head and cog-head sledges, though you're unsure as to the effectiveness of those last two.

Your aptitude for resourcefulness has led to you striving to become a FLEET-MECHADIATOR as you believe that your creativity in construction can flourish while you make repairs mid-battle.

Your trolltag is encumberingPayload [eP] and you speok with o bit of o slur' os well os swopping opostrophes for commos.

Tl;dr
Gender: male
Name: Malcoh Ralcik
Blood: olive (#6B8E23)
Age: 7 sweeps
Height: 5'8”
Appearance: Large, arms folded, muscle. Wears a welding cap, toolbelt and gloves.
Symbol: Triangle with two lines missing.
Tag: encumberingPayload [eP]
Quirk: Slurs (replaces 'a' with 'o', swaps apostrophes and commas around.)
Modus: PUZZLEBOX
Specibus: hammerkind (Variable-head sledgehammer)

lysdicex's, nutie!
Reply
07-12-2013, 01:45 PM
Post: #55
RE: Trollslum Critique Thread
Well, I think this troll could use some crit

[Image: aleksyneutral.png]
Your name is Aleksy Paasha and you’re quite polite.
You are quite the polite fellow, even if it clashes with your job. You’re a corsair, a kind of pirate that sails the seas looking for profit. However there are a few things that make you stand from your everyday pirate: You never attack seadweller ships, you capture the crew instead of killing it (Except one which you feed to your lusus) and most importantly: No alcohol is allowed on your ship. You think that alcohol impairs judgement and that cannot be allowed for your crew. You are weird among pirates in the sense that you treat your captives rather fairly, and you always offer the captured captain some tea and sweets. When you reach port you offer your prize a chance to ransom their freedom and if they can’t you sell them to other trolls, as slaves, lusus food, vivisection volunteers, you really don’t care what happens to them once the deal is made. Serves them well for sailing in waters that belong to seadwellers and seadwellers only.

Outside of your job and ship however. You’re extremely polite to seadwellers and landdwellers alike. You think that the caste system is no excuse for not following common civil manners. Thus whenever you meet someone you insist on offering them a cup of tea or coffee, and even sweets. Something that has made you quite popular with your crew because you have a rather unorthodox view of the spectrum as a whole. You know that you have to be respected by most of all classes, and you actually kinda enforce this, but you’ve discovered that it is easier to rule by respect than by fear. Your crew is composed of all bloods and you treat them very fairly, and for them you’re their captain, that actually worries for their welfare. It doesn’t help that at sea you enforce the fact that in your ship rank triumphs bloodcolor, so you see reds ordering blues around, and so on.

One of your chief interests is artillery, you love it as a hobby and have studied it intensively. Your galleon is equipped with the very best cannons one can buy and you serve as both captain and chief gunner. This reflects on your weapon of choice: The abus Gun. A huge handheld cannon that you have to use a tripod to fire. Good thing youre a seadweller and thus quite strong. For close combats you use swordKind, more precisely a yatagan. Coming from your studies in artillery you also love mathematics and physics in order to calculate precise trajectories for your shots. With a small dabble in chemistry for the gunpowder.

Other interests include calligraphy in middle eastern alternian languages. Especially if you can get it to look like animals or other shapes. As a sailor you have also taken an interests in languages and speak quite a few of them in order to make docking at other ports easier. You love poetry and when on shore leave you spend hours looking at the sea composing poems. Preferably with a cup of strong black tea and your own Narguile, also known as a hookah. It relaxes you a lot. Being a poet also helps with your own modus. To get an item you have to compose a small poem about it, usually you just go for haikus.

Your lusus is a great merlion. Your guardian has taught you that you have to be as great as a warrior as he is, and as honorable in battle too. Regal, strong, dignified, all qualities your dear lusus has. He usually sticks close to your ship and you feed him the occasional captive or two.


Your trolltag is magnificentMerlion and you şpeak with a intereştinğly odd and exotiç aççent
Reply
07-14-2013, 03:16 AM
Post: #56
RE: Trollslum Critique Thread
Im no good at this and figured i could use some help here if that is ok

[Image: j3raHFf.png]

Your name is Estral Kithas. You are blessed with high regal blood, and you love to show it off.
You are a bit cold and nasty, caring mostly for yourself and only a few select others. You have a weakness for tea parties. nothing says Rich rich rich about a good old fashioned tea parties.
you are quite interested in the skills of journalism and love writing stories for the local paper. of course this is just a hobby, you would never DARE call it work. never!! high class ladies like you never work!
You also love a good violent match between two lowbloods at a local arena. you tend to be a bit of a gambler and bet on who will win. Good thing you have a lucky charm about you, or you would be flat broke!!
you have quite the eye for jewelry, wearing precious stones nd pits of gold all over you, as another way to show of your riches.
You tend to be quite a polite person. Keeping up with your manners around the others. dont want to look rue now!
you also enjoy a nice relaxing read in your fantasy books, particularly getting carried away in the literature with fairies and musclebeasts.

You are no where near from dainty however, you can be quite a skilled fighter. you tend to use the thing you hold onto the most, your cigarette holder, you almost go nowhere without it, you cant go anywhere without it, it ads a touch of class, and its too hard to quit smoking anyway. not to mention it looks sexy. You have it specially crafted to be quite sharp on the end, turning it into a deadly shiv. you arent requred to use it as your strife much, but when a lowblood gets right out of hand, a quick stab puts them back into place. you have also learnt to be careful and not stab your lip while smoking

Your hive is a lovely castle, filled with so many rooms, with such lovely furniture. it is mostly underwater, where most of your fancy stuff is, however, a small half of is is above water at least, books disintegrate in water. Swan mom sits up above the hive, honking whenever a strange troll comes close.

You are a devote hemoloyal, following the empress ideals. You still strongly believe in the caste, and follow it to the tea, though, should a lowblood provide useful or very respectful, you have considered once or twice to even calling them a friend. but that is very rare. but it has happened before!

Your troll tag is regalDesires and you ~like to add a touch of clazz to your zpeech~

Name: Estral Kithas
Blood colour/Hex: Royal purple
Gender: Female
Age: 8 sweeps
TrollTag: regalDesires
Quirk: ~zhe likez to add a touch of clazz to her zpeech~
Strife Specibus: CggrtHldrKind
Fetch Modus: Jewlerybox mous:
the user has to twist the key and wait for the music to play until they can retrieve their item
Lusus: A giant proud swan
Interests: her interests include Jewelry and royal fashion. however she likes to dress neatly, and to still blend in. nothing too eye catching. but enough to show shes rich and will flaunt it. She loves watching death matches and sparing between lowbloods as a past time. She is a skilled journalist and has a habit of writing what people say own. She can be found in a good fantasty book. She also likes to flaunt her royalty over the lesser blood, ordering them around. She also has a soft spot for tea parties, she can not get enough of a good tea party
God Tier: na
Game Land: na
Reply
07-14-2013, 03:32 AM (This post was last modified: 07-14-2013 03:33 AM by Skvira.)
Post: #57
RE: Trollslum Critique Thread
(07-14-2013 03:16 AM)PhoenixDragonFires Wrote:  
Im no good at this and figured i could use some help here if that is ok

[Image: j3raHFf.png]


Your name is Estral Kithas. You are blessed with high regal blood, and you love to show it off.

You are a bit cold and nasty, caring mostly for yourself and only a few select others. You have a weakness for tea parties. nothing says Rich rich rich about a good old fashioned tea parties.

you are quite interested in the skills of journalism and love writing stories for the local paper. of course this is just a hobby, you would never DARE call it work. never!! high class ladies like you never work!

Actually, from what we know from Alternia, all trolls are expected to serve in the fleet, and seadwellers are expected to command, hence work, and a lot, for the glory of the empire. Also if she only cares for herself why would she be a journalist?

You also love a good violent match between two lowbloods at a local arena. you tend to be a bit of a gambler and bet on who will win. Good thing you have a lucky charm about you, or you would be flat broke!!
you have quite the eye for jewelry, wearing precious stones and pits of gold all over you, as another way to show of your riches.
You tend to be quite a polite person. Keeping up with your manners around the others. dont want to look rue now!
you also enjoy a nice relaxing read in your fantasy books, particularly getting carried away in the literature with fairies and musclebeasts.

You are no where near from dainty however, you can be quite a skilled fighter. you tend to use the thing you hold onto the most, your cigarette holder, you almost go nowhere without it, you cant go anywhere without it, it ads a touch of class, and its too hard to quit smoking anyway. not to mention it looks sexy. You have it specially crafted to be quite sharp on the end, turning it into a deadly shiv. you arent requred to use it as your strife much, but when a lowblood gets right out of hand, a quick stab puts them back into place. you have also learnt to be careful and not stab your lip while smoking

Your hive is a lovely castle, filled with so many rooms, with such lovely furniture. it is mostly underwater, where most of your fancy stuff is, however, a small half of is is above water at least, books disintegrate in water. Swan mom sits up above the hive, honking whenever a strange troll comes close.
"I don't think seadwellers would need that much furniture considering they kinda float around in water. Also saltwater is horrible for most materials that are not stone or synthetic, but that's just nitpicking"

You are a devote hemoloyal, following the empress ideals. You still strongly believe in the caste, and follow it to the tea, though, should a lowblood provide useful or very respectful, you have considered once or twice to even calling them a friend. but that is very rare. but it has happened before!

Your troll tag is regalDesires and you ~like to add a touch of clazz to your zpeech~

Name: Estral Kithas
Blood colour/Hex: Royal purple
Gender: Female
Age: 8 sweeps
TrollTag: regalDesires
Quirk: ~zhe likez to add a touch of clazz to her zpeech~
Strife Specibus: CggrtHldrKind
Fetch Modus: Jewlerybox mous:
the user has to twist the key and wait for the music to play until they can retrieve their item
Lusus: A giant proud swan
Interests: her interests include Jewelry and royal fashion. however she likes to dress neatly, and to still blend in. nothing too eye catching. but enough to show shes rich and will flaunt it. She loves watching death matches and sparing between lowbloods as a past time. She is a skilled journalist and has a habit of writing what people say own. She can be found in a good fantasty book. She also likes to flaunt her royalty over the lesser blood, ordering them around. She also has a soft spot for tea parties, she can not get enough of a good tea party
God Tier: na
Game Land: na

Overall, I think the profile could use some expansion. Right now it's kinda short and doesn't tell much about how she is ad what she thinks. It tells us things she likes but not why, and her personality doesn't show besides cold, nasty and polite

Crit in Red
Reply
07-14-2013, 03:41 AM
Post: #58
RE: Trollslum Critique Thread
Hm, I read the profile aaaaand I would say it needs work. I'm sure people could point out more but my main problem with this is your interests. They are not connected to eachother and seem a little...tacked on. There's no definite reason why your troll likes these things. As well as this, the profile itself seems a little barebones to me. Other stuff has been explained by Skvira, so yeah.

-------------------------

yani iS HORRIFYING
[01:20:27] Mechromancer: (⊙‿⊙✿)
[01:20:39] Beren the Omnibear: asdf u look like ur about to fukkin murder me in my sleep
[01:20:51] Mechromancer: (⊙‿⊙✿) I see you.
[01:20:55] Beren the Omnibear: ASDFGJFG
[01:20:56] Beren the Omnibear: NO
[01:20:57] Beren the Omnibear: STAHP
[01:21:09] Mechromancer: (⊙‿⊙✿) I am going to take your fucking eyes.
[01:21:16] Beren the Omnibear: AJFJUEDJFJFK
[01:21:18] Beren the Omnibear: NOOOO
[01:21:20] Beren the Omnibear: GET AWAY
[01:21:21] Beren the Omnibear: NO STAHP
[01:21:44] Mechromancer: <(⊙‿⊙<✿) come to me..!!
[01:21:55] Beren the Omnibear: NO PLEASE GET AYWYWYAYYWAYY
[01:21:57] Beren the Omnibear: AWAYAYYYYAYYY
[01:22:09] Beren the Omnibear: Beren the Omnibear RUNSS THEHHH FUCK AYWYAY

silvy's victory d
[02:15:58] •Silvdexter•: i have the victory d
Reply
07-14-2013, 03:46 AM
Post: #59
RE: Trollslum Critique Thread
Thankyou, this is my first troll and I m absolutely terrible at this. I will fix it up some more tommorow, as it is pretty late here.
Reply
07-14-2013, 06:14 AM
Post: #60
RE: Trollslum Critique Thread
(07-12-2013 01:45 PM)Skvira Wrote:  Well, I think this troll could use some crit

[Image: aleksyneutral.png]
Your name is Aleksy Paasha and you’re quite polite.
You are quite the polite fellow, even if it clashes with your job. You’re a corsair, a kind of pirate that sails the seas looking for profit. So why is he one in the first place? It's not like Alternia would have need of people looting any more than they already have. Does he like pirates? Is he really into nautical life? However there are a few things that make you stand from your everyday pirate: You never attack seadweller ships, you capture the crew instead of killing it (Except one which you feed to your lusus) and most importantly: No alcohol is allowed on your ship.

Also, how old is he? What's his hex?

So what's his lusus? It's certainly something carnivorous and big enough to eat trolls, but I don't know what it is. Also, why doesn't he attack seadweller ships or kill entire crews by feeding them to his lusus? That just leaves them alive to come back for revenge.

You think that alcohol impairs judgement and that cannot be allowed for your crew. You are weird among pirates in the sense that you treat your captives rather fairly, and you always offer the captured captain some tea and sweets. When you reach port you offer your prize a chance to ransom their freedom and if they can’t you sell them to other trolls, as slaves, lusus food, vivisection volunteers, you really don’t care what happens to them once the deal is made. Serves them well for sailing in waters that belong to seadwellers and seadwellers only. Does he just arbitrarily declare areas under seadweller control? It's not like it's going to be on some map.

Outside of your job and ship however. You’re extremely polite to seadwellers and landdwellers alike. You think that the caste system is no excuse for not following common civil manners. Thus whenever you meet someone you insist on offering them a cup of tea or coffee, and even sweets. Something that has made you quite popular with your crew because you have a rather unorthodox view of the spectrum as a whole. You know that you have to be respected by most of all classes, and you actually kinda enforce this, but you’ve discovered that it is easier to rule by respect than by fear. Your crew is composed of all bloods and you treat them very fairly, and for them you’re their captain, one that actually worries for their welfare. It doesn’t help that at sea you enforce the fact that in your ship rank triumphs bloodcolor, so you see reds ordering blues around, and so on.

There is no way that a blueblood would stand to be ordered around by redbloods. Just because he may have a laxer view on the hemospectrum doesn't mean his crew would. The noble classes would mutiny in a night if any of them had to take orders from someone lower than them in the caste system.

For that matter, how does he even get a crew? It's not like there's trolls lining up to say "yes, I would love to be ordered around every night by the same seadweller forever!"


One of your chief interests is artillery, you love it as a hobby and have studied it intensively. Your galleon is equipped with the very best cannons one can buy and you serve as both captain and chief gunner. This reflects on your weapon of choice: The abus Gun. A huge handheld cannon that you have to use a tripod to fire. Good thing youre a seadweller and thus quite strong. For close combats you use swordKind, more precisely a yatagan. Coming from your studies in artillery you also love mathematics and physics in order to calculate precise trajectories for your shots. With a small dabble in chemistry for the gunpowder.

You mention he has interests in artillery, math, and physics. So what? It doesn't seem to really affect him all that much. I have no idea how his personality is related to these interests, or how they could be at all interesting to any other troll.

Other interests include calligraphy in middle eastern alternian languages. Trolls only have one language. Especially if you can get it to look like animals or other shapes. As a sailor you have also taken an interests in languages and speak quite a few of them in order to make docking at other ports easier. You love poetry and when on shore leave you spend hours looking at the sea composing poems. Preferably with a cup of strong black tea and your own Narguile, also known as a hookah. It relaxes you a lot. Being a poet also helps with your own modus. To get an item you have to compose a small poem about it, usually you just go for haikus.

Again, I'm just not seeing how his interests add to him at all. He likes poetry and hookahs. I don't see how any of this is really linked together, since it jumps from artillery and math to suddenly poetry and hookahs. What kind of theme are you going for here? How do they play into his personality?

Your lusus is a great merlion. Your guardian has taught you that you have to be as great as a warrior as he is, and as honorable in battle too. Regal, strong, dignified, all qualities your dear lusus has. He usually sticks close to your ship and you feed him the occasional captive or two.

You should define what his lusus is when it comes into the profile. Don't leave someone annoyed at wanting information for half the profile before giving it to them.


Your trolltag is magnificentMerlion and you şpeak with a intereştinğly odd and exotiç aççent




(07-14-2013 03:16 AM)PhoenixDragonFires Wrote:  Im no good at this and figured i could use some help here if that is ok

[Image: j3raHFf.png]

Your name is Estral Kithas. You are blessed with high regal blood and you love to show it off. What's her age and hex code?

You are a bit cold and nasty, caring mostly for yourself and only a few select others. You have a weakness for tea parties. Nothing says rich rich rich like a good old fashioned tea party. Why? Is she really into being fancy? Also, show, don't tell that she's nasty. If she's mean, it should be played into the profile by mentioning how she treats other trolls.
You are quite interested in the art of journalism and love writing stories for the local paper, though of course this is just a hobby, you would never DARE call it work. Never!! High class ladies like you never work! Uh. Trolls probably wouldn't have newspapers at all. Plus have you tried writing underwater? Hopefully she sticks to typing on the computer. Also this implies that she's lazy, I hope you intended that.
You also love a good violent match between two lowbloods at a local arena. Trolls don't have arenas. You tend to be a bit of a gambler and bet on who will win. Good thing you have a lucky charm about you, or you would be flat broke!! So she's lucky...? How does this affect her? Does it make her reckless? Don't just tack things on without thinking of how they would affect the personality.

Okay, hold up for a second. How are any of these interests related in the slightest? What's the connecting theme? I see journalism, tea parties, and gambling. There's nothing connecting them all, they're just floating around in the vast void of profile.

You have quite the eye for jewelry, wearing precious stones and pits lots? of gold all over you, as another way to show of your riches. That describes a lot of seadwellers, seeing as they all have the ability to wear a ton of jewelry for giggles.


You tend to be quite a polite person, keeping up with your manners around the others. Don't want to look rude now!

You described her as cold and nasty earlier, but now she's polite? A person who doesn't care for others wouldn't care about being rude in the slightest. Stick to one personality.

You also enjoy a nice relaxing read in your fantasy books, particularly getting carried away in the literature with fairies and musclebeasts.

This is worded very awkwardly. Did you mean "You also enjoy reading fantasy stories, and you often get lost in tales of fairies and musclebeasts."?

I should also mention at this point that most profiles only have 3 interests for a reason. Like a job application, you shouldn't give everything away up front. Leave a few interests and hobbies in the background (that are related to their other interests still, mind you) to be explored in the future.


You are nowhere near from dainty, however, you can be quite a skilled fighter. You tend to use the thing you hold onto the most, your cigarette holder, you never go anywhere without it. In fact, you can't go anywhere without it, since it adds a touch of class. Plus, it's too hard to quit smoking anyway, not to mention it looks sexy. You have it specially crafted to be quite sharp on the end, turning it into a deadly shiv. You aren't required to use it as your strife fight much, but when a lowblood gets right out of hand, a quick stab puts them back into place. You have also learned to be careful and not stab your lip while smoking

So how did she get into smoking in the first place? Does her addiction affect her? A smoking addiction is a very serious thing and it should have effects on her. Also, don't say it's "sexy," just leave it implied that she thinks that. Show, don't tell. Let other trolls decide how they see it.

Your hive is a lovely castle filled with so many rooms, all having lovely furniture. It is mostly underwater, where most of your fancy stuff is, however, a small half of it is above water at least, since books disintegrate in water. Swan mom sits up above the hive, honking whenever a strange troll comes close.

You are a devote hemoloyal, following the empress ideals. You still strongly believe in the caste system, and follow it to the tea (If that's a pun, good job), though, should a lowblood provide useful or very respectful, you have considered once or twice to even calling them a friend, but that is very rare, though it has happened before!

Your troll tag is regalDesires and you ~like to add a touch of clazz to your zpeech~


Alright, profiles should only have 3 interests maximum. Otherwise it starts getting repetitive and way too long. The interests need to be connected more, otherwise they just come off as tacked on and pointless. Most profiles go in orders of paragraphs, like so: [Introduction (Name, age, blood color)] -> [Lusus and hive details] -> [Behavior (Hemospectrum opinions and how they treat others)] -> [Hobbies] -> [Fetch modus] -> [Strife specibus] -> [Trolltag and quirk]

Also make sure to pin down her personality. A cold and nasty person doesn't come across as someone who would even bother with being polite.


Name: Estral Kithas
Blood colour/Hex: Royal purple I can't see the image since I think you moved it, but this also needs the actual hex code.
Gender: Female
Age: 8 sweeps
TrollTag: regalDesires
Quirk: ~zhe likez to add a touch of clazz to her zpeech~
Strife Specibus: CggrtHldrKind
Fetch Modus: Jewlerybox mous:
the user has to twist the key and wait for the music to play until they can retrieve their item
Lusus: A giant proud swan
Interests: her interests include Jewelry and royal fashion. however she likes to dress neatly, and to still blend in. nothing too eye catching. but enough to show shes rich and will flaunt it. She loves watching death matches and sparing between lowbloods as a past time. She is a skilled journalist and has a habit of writing what people say own. She can be found in a good fantasty book. She also likes to flaunt her royalty over the lesser blood, ordering them around. She also has a soft spot for tea parties, she can not get enough of a good tea party
God Tier: na
Game Land: na

Crit is in red, like alwaaaays.

The blue is grammar.

Where we're going we don't need fancherubs
[Image: Argumi.gif][Image: Famynn.gif][Image: Genosi.gif][Image: Gaveyo.gif]
[Image: Floaty.gif][Image: Deveii.gif][Image: Portec.gif][Image: lrduwpk]
[Image: Yarrex.gif]
Silvy Wrote:(my mouth is made of money because every joke i tell is pure gold)
Ocfos Wrote:[3:58:25 PM] Ocfos: Yes it is.
[4:02:07 PM] Ocfos: Breeding solve everything.
[4:02:15 PM] Ocfos: Just look at Africa.
[4:02:25 PM] Ocfos: Need help feeding the children? Get more.
[4:02:46 PM] Ocfos: Tell them to feed them.
[4:03:20 PM] Ocfos: And then you hvve a regurgilating suorce of energy
Reply
07-14-2013, 10:05 PM (This post was last modified: 07-14-2013 10:18 PM by The Necromancer.)
Post: #61
RE: Trollslum Critique Thread
*insert a profile that was withdrawn from the thread*


I just need to say this. It's near impossible to critique a troll like this because basing a troll off a videogame's $10 DLC isn't the best of ideas. It's one thing to be "inspired" by something it's another to just plain rip it off.


(I feel like I should leave this short critique, despite the withdrawal of the troll because this is still good general advice. It's not intensely detailed like Overlard does things but it's true. Your trolls should not be direct copies of pop-culture references or focusing completely on their gimmick with little to no original personality)
Reply
07-16-2013, 06:04 AM
Post: #62
RE: Trollslum Critique Thread
(07-03-2013 01:05 PM)Overlard Wrote:  The profile pulses with the red energy of critique.

Thank you so much for the input! I have made a few changes and added more to his profile, so I hope it's better now.

[Image: 9RjOHov.png]
Your name is AMOYEN SISNEY, and as an upstanding member of troll society, you know that being respectful to your superiors is the key to being successful in life. As such, you respect the wishes of your OTTIGER LUSUS—the one you revere—by interpreting his actions as messages and obeying his every command.

Your lusus sends you out every day with orders to kill different trolls. You don't know why, but you don't question it because it doesn't really matter what the reason is. Besides, you look at these missions as a chance to PROVE YOUR WORTH to your lusus and make him PROUD. However, it seems as though no matter how many times you succeed, your lusus never thinks any better of you.  But, that's okay. It's a CHALLENGE, and you love challenges.

As such, you love making little challenging GAMES for yourself when you're off on missions or EXPLORING. You make up little rules that you must comply to, such as completing a mission in less time than allotted or heading to a specific place through a more treacherous path than necessary. For example, you often climb down the mountain your hive is located on top of with the help of your PICKKIND strife specibus instead of taking the path on the mountainside. However, you get BORED easily, which causes you to jump to other activities prematurely in search of more EXCITING things to do. That is, unless it is a mission; you can't afford to be sidetracked then.

You never PLAN AHEAD and just jump right into what you're doing. Because you are so reckless, you often damage your clothes. Since it's such a bother to always go out and get more, you just SEW them back together yourself. You have found that it allows for a nice change of pace, and you actually quite enjoy the chore most of the time.

You are a CALM and COLLECTED person in most situations, but you have no problem with doing WHATEVER IT TAKES to obtain your goals. You still try to be POLITE to everyone you meet, though that isn't really hard to do since you try to stay away from others as much as possible. You would like to be more sociable, but it might make it harder for you to complete your missions if you did. The less others know about you the better. 

You like your position at the top of the hemospectrum and the POWER that comes with it. You wish you didn't have to follow the orders of those seadwellers, though. Doing so makes you feel slightly UNEASY for unknown reasons. But, as they are your superiors, you know you must OBLIGE to whatever they say whenever you come in contact with one. Your lusus' orders SUPERCEDE those of the seadwellers though since he's way more important than they are. It seems that there won't be much room for conflict since your lusus' wishes tend to fall in line with those of the seadwellers anyways. If anyone under you tries to order you around, you will politely PUT THEM IN THEIR PLACE, using violent means if necessary.

You possess the RIDDLE FETCH MODUS, which requires you to create a riddle of five lines in which the answer is the item you would like to retrieve. It may be frustrating and hard to use, but you guess it's beneficial in that it helps you improve your ability to think, since you seem to be slightly LACKING in that area.

Your trolltag is yernHaphazard and you always r3m3mb3r to b3 r3sp3ctful, but in y3r 3xcit3m3nt t3nd to l3Ev3 y3r s3nt3nc3s hangin
g.


Regarding his trollTag, the word is actually supposed to be yern (link) using the second definition. Does that make more sense?
Reply
07-25-2013, 06:36 PM (This post was last modified: 07-25-2013 06:40 PM by Biophile.)
Post: #63
RE: Trollslum Critique Thread
Okay so, gotta do this thing, but here's what I’ve got. He's not completely finished yet, as i don't have a quirk or a sprite yet (help with these would be nice) but i do have a pretty decent profile i think, one i can't see a problem with, but I’ll give you guys some time to have at it and see what you think. Going to be gone most of today/tomorrow (thursday July 25th) so you have all day to chew him out if you want.

The basics: Brownblood troll named Biotor Doatim with a minor strength-enhancing psionic ability and a jungle-man motif, made in the hopes to have some decent RP combat scenes against other trolls in arena-threads or the like.

The sprite:
[Image: kofz.png]
Unfinished as I’ve been mostly focusing on the vines and the sign, but i could definitely use some feedback; Which way of showing the symbol do you guys prefer? I’ve got one vote for the the torn shirt already, but what do the rest of you think? For the record the first one isn't an option, it's a skeleton sprite showing where abouts the symbol should go... should i make the symbol a bit bigger? For the record:

*Symbol on medallion: Was thinking he found the gold medallion on a tree somewhere in the jungle and took it thinking it was meant for him as it bore his symbol, in actuality it belonged to his long-dead ancestor, who died in the same jungle.

*Symbol on torn shirt: He just doesn't change clothes and can't replace or repair them, no big deal.

*Symbol on scar/burn: Either he did this himself as he lost his shirt, or it was forced upon him when he was taken captive. not sure.

The profile:

>Be the jungle-dwelling vinefood.

Your name is BIOTOR DOATIM and you HATE TECHNOLOGY!


Yeah you heard you! Even the thought of turning gears or running circuitry gets your blood in a boil! You want nothing more then to SMASH IT INTO PIECES! An obsession that borders on the FETISHISTIC you might even say! Keep in mind that destroying the fruits of societies labour isn't the only INTEREST you have of course, among other things you are quite the TROLL TARZAN or even TROLL GEORGE OF THE JUNGLE as among all other things you enjoy being FREE, and leaping from TREE to TREE as your primary mode of transportation, protecting the jungle in which you live from TRESPASSERS and POACHERS. You're quite the FIGHTER so to say.

You can't say you posses any single location as your own in your jungle as you have no hive. You're not quite sure how, but the broken scraps of CARPENTER DRONES you've seen scattered about suggest either you or your LUSUS destroyed them after they attempted to clear an area to begin construction once you had chosen a favoured spot. Speaking of which, your LUSUS is very hard to describe, it is a creature resembling a large mass of vines, a plant that moves like an animal. You of course see no problem with this as you have spent all seven sweeps of your life with it, but OTHERS might find it INCREDIBLY STRANGE.

Your life in the jungle has been fairly WILD to say the least, lack of replacement materials or clothing lead to your rather tattered appearance, and your constant need to HUNT and KILL your own food combined with your near-constant recreational travel and bare-hands survival has granted you a considerable STRENGTH, which is only enhanced further by your psionic ability of STRENGTH MULTIPLICATION, which allows you to multiply the physical strength of up to two limbs at a time by an INDETERMINATE AMOUNT, allowing you to deliver POWERFUL PUNCHES and LEAP GREAT DISTANCES. In addition to this, sweeps of abuse from plant and animal alike have torn and battered your skin enough to make it scar over many times and grow TOUGHER with each scar, allowing you to take QUITE THE BEATING in a fight. The only exception to this rule lies in your SHOULDERS, in which seeds of a fruit-bearing species of vine implanted themselves after you accidentally FELL OUT OF A TREE into an overgrowth of the thorny-vine, tearing up the skin of your shoulders savagely, and allowing seeds to somehow sneak into the wounds and take root. These vines have since leached off of your very blood and GROWN into the fair-sized plants you see on your shoulders today, you have tried several times to PULL THEM OUT, however as the roots of the vines extend deep into your flesh and far under your skin, the flesh of your shoulders has become EXTRAORDINARILY SENSITIVE, and as such attempting to do so is extremely painful, any successful attempts ultimately failing as more vines grow from the remaining roots. It isn't COMPLETELY BAD however, as the vines produce edible FRUITS using both your own blood as well as LIGHT, allowing you to become slightly AUTOVOROUS to a small extent, a word you surprisingly made up yourself to explain surviving on something that grows out of your own flesh. Regardless, as mentioned before, the roots of the vines have made your shoulders extra-sensitive to physical contact, leaving them as your largest WEAKNESS. Fortunately the vines are also THORNED, often deterring any attempts at exploiting this.

At some point in the past sweep or two, you are NOT QUITE SURE, you were CAPTURED and ENSLAVED by a group of POACHERS! And sold to one or more HIGHBLOODS who permanently attached a remote-controlled ANTI-PSIONIC DEVICE to your NECK in such a way that attempting to remove it would either KILL or PERMANENTLY PARALYSE you from the neck down. With this the highblood(s) can choose to DISABLE YOUR PSIONICS and prevent your escape. It/they then began entering you in BLOOD BOWL TOURNAMENTS, forcing you to fight others like you for their amusement. You dream of the day you will BEAT THE HIGHBLOOD(s) TO A BLOODY PULP and make your escape, but in the meantime, you're a pretty badass fighter at least!

Your fetch modus is VINE, in which larger items serve as the “base” of the vine and smaller items are held ontop of it, retrieving a LARGER item will also withdraw any SMALLER item it may have been supporting.

Your strife specubus is both FISTKIND and CLAWKIND due to your primitive and anti-technological ways. To be perfectly frank, it's a bit of a miracle you have a strife specubus and a fetch modus AT ALL.

And your speech/quirk has yet to be determined. Help on this would be appreciated.

Mun notes; I Reeeally want the vines to stay, not only as a weak point but also as a way to further decorate his character, as otherwise he'd just be a mostly-naked troll in a loincloth. In addition, it's my first time. Be gentle ;)

For the record: I can and will explain any questions/details further if politely asked, however as I’m busy tomorrow/today, you may need to wait on it. that is all.
Reply
07-26-2013, 08:31 AM (This post was last modified: 07-27-2013 04:59 PM by Dudemaster47.)
Post: #64
RE: Trollslum Critique Thread
(07-25-2013 06:36 PM)Biophile Wrote:  
The profile:

>Be the jungle-dwelling vinefood.

Your name is BIOTOR DOATIM and you ---HATE TECHNOLOGY---!

Okay. Technology is literally any form of advancement from "cave-dwellers who punch things to death and don't know what fire is". Putting a pointy rock on a stick is technology. The wheel is technology. Technology is far too general a term for what you are going at and that needs to be reduced to something...well, sane. Go with technophobia. Go with something specific, like, say, robotics or machines.

---Even the thought of turning gears or running circuitry gets your blood in a boil! You want nothing more then to SMASH IT INTO PIECES! An obsession that borders on the FETISHISTIC you might even say!---

Going along with the technophobia thing, this is a terrible idea if you are planning to rp in the cafe. If the first thing your troll does upon entering the cafe is go berserk and start smashing the servebots, chances are some unserved customers are going to decide that "hey maybe we actually wanted to get our food" and gang up on the guy to make sure he stops. The point of this is to make a cafe-viable troll, not to make a troll who enters the cafe once and is immediately thrown out and not allowed in again. Hating or not trusting machines is one thing, actively going out of his way to destroy any he sees is BAD.

---Keep in mind that destroying the fruits of societies labour isn't the only INTEREST you have of course, among other things you are quite the TROLL TARZAN or even TROLL GEORGE OF THE JUNGLE as among all other things you enjoy being FREE, and leaping from TREE to TREE as your primary mode of transportation, protecting the jungle in which you live from TRESPASSERS and POACHERS. You're quite the FIGHTER so to say.---

Okay, first, give him more interests than "being tarzan". Hobbies as well. Second...I don't know, don't make him actually Troll Tarzan? Again, you're trying to make a cafe-viable troll here. Tarzan is not a very good example of "good at being around other people in a culturally or socially acceptable manner" by human standards, I HIGHLY doubt that would end in anything other than total disaster by trollian standards. Make him rough around the edges. Make him accustomed to being alone, hell, you can keep his love of swinging through the trees. Don't actually make him Tarzan. As for the trespassers and poachers...well I don't know, even. It seems off, but I can't put my finger on it. The "quite the fighter" comment is a tad out of place as well, it needs to be extrapolated on. If fighting is one of his hobbies, then make it so. Don't just say "he fights".

---You can't say you posses any single location as your own in your jungle as you have no hive. You're not quite sure how, but the broken scraps of CARPENTER DRONES you've seen scattered about suggest either you or your LUSUS destroyed them after they attempted to clear an area to begin construction once you had chosen a favoured spot.---

Trolls designing and having their hives built for them has been a thing since the beginning of Alternian civilization. Carpenter drones would not trigger his technophobia as they are quite literally an integral part of the Alternian society. Hives do not require the area to be cleared, and can be built into already existing structures such as trees.

What I'm saying is he has a hive. Period. End of sentence.


---Speaking of which, your LUSUS is very hard to describe, it is a creature resembling a large mass of vines, a plant that moves like an animal. You of course see no problem with this as you have spent all seven sweeps of your life with it, but OTHERS might find it INCREDIBLY STRANGE.---

As much fun as a Tangela/Flying Spaghetti Monster might be, give it some animal characteristics. This is an alien planet, you can get as weird as you want. Just give it some animal characteristics. I mean seriously, his lusus can remain as the most hentai-tastic thing to ever come out of an alterniasian schoolgirl's fantasies, but the mass of vines or tentacles or whatever needs to actually be one singular being that has some degree of intelligence. Just being able to move doesn't make it a lusus, it has to be capable of raising someone.

---Your life in the jungle has been fairly WILD to say the least, lack of replacement materials or clothing lead to your rather tattered appearance---

Nepeta lives in the wild, in a goddamned cave. Her clothing is definitely not tattered. Clothe this guy.

and your constant need to HUNT and KILL your own food combined with your near-constant recreational travel and bare-hands survival has granted you a considerable STRENGTH, which is only enhanced further by your psionic ability of STRENGTH MULTIPLICATION, which allows you to multiply the physical strength of ---up to two limbs at a time--- don't say up to two, just say two by an ---INDETERMINATE AMOUNT, allowing you to deliver POWERFUL PUNCHES and LEAP GREAT DISTANCES.---
Set a defined limit. Set a defined limit. How much can he multiply his strength? If you want to keep it, do not set the multiplier too high! I'd say it makes him 1.5x-2x stronger than the average, troll (assuming the troll is in good shape). Just set a reasonable limit.

---In addition to this, sweeps of abuse from plant and animal alike have torn and battered your skin enough to make it scar over many times and grow TOUGHER with each scar, allowing you to take QUITE THE BEATING in a fight.---

Alright, for this I'm just gonna say that scars may be signs of toughness, but unless his entire skin was scar tissue, this probably wouldn't be a thing (actually I doubt it'd be a thing if his entire skin WAS scar tissue). He can be tough and be able to take a beating naturally, and can be covered in scars (don't overdo it, too many scars is just disgustingly ugly), but don't make the scars the reason for his toughness.


---The only exception to this rule lies in your SHOULDERS, in which seeds of a fruit-bearing species of vine implanted themselves after you accidentally FELL OUT OF A TREE into an overgrowth of the thorny-vine, tearing up the skin of your shoulders savagely, and allowing seeds to somehow sneak into the wounds and take root. These vines have since leached off of your very blood and GROWN into the fair-sized plants you see on your shoulders today, you have tried several times to PULL THEM OUT, however as the roots of the vines extend deep into your flesh and far under your skin, the flesh of your shoulders has become EXTRAORDINARILY SENSITIVE, and as such attempting to do so is extremely painful, any successful attempts ultimately failing as more vines grow from the remaining roots. It isn't COMPLETELY BAD however, as the vines produce edible FRUITS using both your own blood as well as LIGHT, allowing you to become slightly AUTOVOROUS to a small extent, a word you surprisingly made up yourself to explain surviving on something that grows out of your own flesh. Regardless, as mentioned before, the roots of the vines have made your shoulders extra-sensitive to physical contact, leaving them as your largest WEAKNESS. Fortunately the vines are also THORNED, often deterring any attempts at exploiting this.---

I'm sorry but NO. This is NOT A THING THAT CAN HAPPEN. If some plant was leeching his blood, he would be DEAD. Oh, sure, I can think of biological examples of things growing out of insects, and trolls are an insectoid race! But all of those things are fungi. They are also all parasitic and VERY, VERY horrific. Like, takes control over the insects' brain functions in order to make it spread the fungus further and kill itself and whatnot. ...Well maybe I'm thinking of rats there, but either way fungi growing out of insects? Horrific disease.

Now trolls are insectoid. If they have some disease like that, I'm guessing that is probably one of the most feared diseases they would have. Combined with a brutal culture, I'd say the sight of something that does not belong GROWING OUT OF SOMEONE'S BODY would likely garner an "INCINERATE ON SIGHT" response. Not just kill, it would be to completely and utterly destroy him and make sure there is nothing left so that the potential disease cannot spread. Hell, I'm pretty sure most humans would be screaming "KILL IT WITH FIRE" if they saw a man with plants growing out of his body, so I wouldn't put it past trolls to do so. So, sorry that you wanted the decoration, but this is not acceptable in any manner.


---At some point in the past sweep or two, you are NOT QUITE SURE, you were CAPTURED and ENSLAVED by a group of POACHERS! And sold to one or more HIGHBLOODS who permanently attached a remote-controlled ANTI-PSIONIC DEVICE to your NECK in such a way that attempting to remove it would either KILL or PERMANENTLY PARALYSE you from the neck down. With this the highblood(s) can choose to DISABLE YOUR PSIONICS and prevent your escape. It/they then began entering you in BLOOD BOWL TOURNAMENTS, forcing you to fight others like you for their amusement. You dream of the day you will BEAT THE HIGHBLOOD(s) TO A BLOODY PULP and make your escape, but in the meantime, you're a pretty badass fighter at least!---

This feels tacked on. When you're done fixing everything, if you're intent on keeping this then find a way to integrate it. Otherwise, try again.

---Your fetch modus is VINE, in which larger items serve as the “base” of the vine and smaller items are held on top of it, retrieving a LARGER item will also withdraw any SMALLER item it may have been supporting.

Your strife specibus is both fistKind and clawKind due to your primitive and anti-technological ways. To be perfectly frank, it's a bit of a miracle you have a strife specibus and a fetch modus AT ALL.---

If he wears clawed gloves, he could use both fistKind and clawKind without technically having a strife specibus OR a modus. Hell, if you want to go with a technophobe then make him not have either of those. It'd definitely be unique and different to have someone carrying everything. No, this isn't sarcastic.

And your speech/quirk has yet to be determined. Help on this would be appreciated.

Mun notes; I Reeeally want the vines to stay, not only as a weak point but also as a way to further decorate his character, as otherwise he'd just be a mostly-naked troll in a loincloth. In addition, it's my first time. Be gentle ;)

For the record: I can and will explain any questions/details further if politely asked, however as I’m busy tomorrow/today, you may need to wait on it. that is all.
Alright so basically all this guy is, is HATES MACHINES and FIGHTS GOOD. It's not enough to make a character someone wants to rp with. Plus, he comes off as completely incapable of even existing in ANY societal setting. Like, at all. This guy literally has a personality flaw that makes him extremely noticeable and a biological impossibility that takes him from "potential annoyance" to kill on sight. Fix it all and try again.

Alright, let's get this over with. Crits in red, spelling in blue as per usual in this thread.

QUOTES!
[19:23:14] Overlard: my mouth is not a doily

---

[2:42] Toots McButt: Ol wins
My dick in his butt
[2:43] Overlard: I've had worse.
[2:43] Toots McButt: You haven't had a seven foot long dick
[2:43] Overlard: That sounds like it should kill you

---

[1:39:01 PM] Neo: Like a great man once said:
[1:39:09 PM] Nory: my mom got matching dresses for me and her to wear

---

[2:53:44 AM] Dudemaster47: shaniqua stop it ur dragging ur polygamy in2 this chat
[2:53:44 AM] •The Silvster•: and my real life actual wife ™ is my friend asia
[2:53:47 AM] •The Silvster•: GOD
[2:53:50 AM] •The Silvster•: DONT CALL ME BY MY NAME
[2:53:52 AM] •The Silvster•: THATS AWKWARD

---

[4:59:57 AM] Dudemaster47: tbh I’m p. sure my parents can’t wait to kick me out once I’ve finished college and somehow managed to put some money behind me
[5:00:28 AM] The Necromancer: atleast your wasted, DM

---

[9:08:26 PM] Beren: ugh o'v en been tiered i'm sorr for not post ig if were waiting me silcypoo

---

[9:04 PM] Dudemaster47: yes im doing a sandwich at this very moment

---

[2:26:32 AM] Skvira: I play with myself for 5 minutes then kill you
[2:26:48 AM] Dudemaster47: that sounds serial killer-ish

Reply
07-26-2013, 08:34 AM
Post: #65
RE: Trollslum Critique Thread
(07-25-2013 06:36 PM)Biophile Wrote:  Okay so, gotta do this thing, but here's what I’ve got. He's not completely finished yet, as i don't have a quirk or a sprite yet (help with these would be nice) but i do have a pretty decent profile i think, one i can't see a problem with, but I’ll give you guys some time to have at it and see what you think. Going to be gone most of today/tomorrow (thursday July 25th) so you have all day to chew him out if you want.

The basics: Brownblood troll named Biotor Doatim with a minor strength-enhancing psionic ability and a jungle-man motif, made in the hopes to have some decent RP combat scenes against other trolls in arena-threads or the like.

The sprite:
[Image: kofz.png]
Unfinished as I’ve been mostly focusing on the vines and the sign, but i could definitely use some feedback; Which way of showing the symbol do you guys prefer? I’ve got one vote for the the torn shirt already, but what do the rest of you think? For the record the first one isn't an option, it's a skeleton sprite showing where abouts the symbol should go... should i make the symbol a bit bigger? For the record:

*Symbol on medallion: Was thinking he found the gold medallion on a tree somewhere in the jungle and took it thinking it was meant for him as it bore his symbol, in actuality it belonged to his long-dead ancestor, who died in the same jungle.

*Symbol on torn shirt: He just doesn't change clothes and can't replace or repair them, no big deal.

*Symbol on scar/burn: Either he did this himself as he lost his shirt, or it was forced upon him when he was taken captive. not sure.

The size of the symbol is fine, but it needs to be on a regular, non-torn shirt. Not a medallion, just a shirt. No tears.

The profile:

>Be the jungle-dwelling vinefood.

Your name is BIOTOR DOATIM and you HATE TECHNOLOGY!


Yeah you heard you! Even the thought of turning gears or running circuitry gets your blood in a boil! You want nothing more then to SMASH IT INTO PIECES! An obsession that borders on the FETISHISTIC you might even say! Keep in mind that destroying the fruits of societies labour isn't the only INTEREST you have of course, among other things you are quite the TROLL TARZAN or even TROLL GEORGE OF THE JUNGLE as among all other things you enjoy being FREE, and leaping from TREE to TREE as your primary mode of transportation, protecting the jungle in which you live from TRESPASSERS and POACHERS. You're quite the FIGHTER so to say.

Troll society is entirely based on technology. All societies are. If he hates technology so much as a whole, then he might as well remove himself from the gene pool himself. The fleet would just kill him (starships are technology), he wouldn't be able to sleep (Recuperacoons and sopor are technology), and he would have nothing to protect himself from the elements as hives are technology.

You can't say you posses any single location as your own in your jungle as you have no hive. You're not quite sure how, but the broken scraps of CARPENTER DRONES you've seen scattered about suggest either you or your LUSUS destroyed them after they attempted to clear an area to begin construction once you had chosen a favoured spot.

He has to have a hive. There is no way he could survive being a wriggler without one. He needs a recuperacoon just to sleep properly and something to keep him from getting killed by wild animals and basic elements of nature.

Speaking of which, your LUSUS is very hard to describe, it is a creature resembling a large mass of vines, a plant that moves like an animal. You of course see no problem with this as you have spent all seven sweeps of your life with it, but OTHERS might find it INCREDIBLY STRANGE.

Lusii are singular animals/animal hybrids. They are not plants or swarms or masses of anything. His lusus needs to be an animal.

Your life in the jungle has been fairly WILD to say the least, lack of replacement materials or clothing lead to your rather tattered appearance, and your constant need to HUNT and KILL your own food combined with your near-constant recreational travel and bare-hands survival has granted you a considerable STRENGTH, which is only enhanced further by your psionic ability of STRENGTH MULTIPLICATION, which allows you to multiply the physical strength of up to two limbs at a time by an INDETERMINATE AMOUNT, allowing you to deliver POWERFUL PUNCHES and LEAP GREAT DISTANCES.

This is not a psychic power. In what way is it psychic? It has nothing to do with his mind whatsoever. Besides, a power like that is not only phenomenally overpowered (the vague wording on "powerful punches" does not help) but it would probably end up killing him instead. Arms are not invincible structures made of adamantium. A "powerful punch" on the level that is implied would shatter his arm into pieces. A great leap would only end with him landing and shattering every bone in his body, dying nearly instantly.

In addition to this, sweeps of abuse from plant and animal alike have torn and battered your skin enough to make it scar over many times and grow TOUGHER with each scar, allowing you to take QUITE THE BEATING in a fight. Unless the fight happens to involve the opponent barely scratching him, this doesn't work. Scars are not immune to stabs, slashes, gouges, or beatings. It's only slightly tougher skin in that it can somewhat resist light scrapes and won't let hair grow on it.

The only exception to this rule lies in your SHOULDERS, in which seeds of a fruit-bearing species of vine implanted themselves after you accidentally FELL OUT OF A TREE into an overgrowth of the thorny-vine, tearing up the skin of your shoulders savagely, and allowing seeds to somehow sneak into the wounds and take root. These vines have since leached off of your very blood and GROWN into the fair-sized plants you see on your shoulders today, you have tried several times to PULL THEM OUT, however as the roots of the vines extend deep into your flesh and far under your skin, the flesh of your shoulders has become EXTRAORDINARILY SENSITIVE, and as such attempting to do so is extremely painful, any successful attempts ultimately failing as more vines grow from the remaining roots. It isn't COMPLETELY BAD however, as the vines produce edible FRUITS using both your own blood as well as LIGHT, allowing you to become slightly AUTOVOROUS to a small extent, a word you surprisingly made up yourself to explain surviving on something that grows out of your own flesh. Regardless, as mentioned before, the roots of the vines have made your shoulders extra-sensitive to physical contact, leaving them as your largest WEAKNESS. Fortunately the vines are also THORNY, often deterring any attempts at exploiting this.

Drop this completely. This makes absolutely no sense and comes off as extremely gimmicky. Plants would not be able to survive off of a troll's blood, or anyone's blood. To use a crude analogy, that's like saying a watermelon seed can grow in your stomach if you accidentally swallow a flashlight too.

Plus, it just makes him massive cullbait for anyone who sees him.


At some point in the past sweep or two, you are NOT QUITE SURE, you were CAPTURED and ENSLAVED by a group of POACHERS! And sold to one or more HIGHBLOODS who permanently attached a remote-controlled ANTI-PSIONIC DEVICE to your NECK in such a way that attempting to remove it would either KILL or PERMANENTLY PARALYZE you from the neck down. With this the highblood(s) can choose to DISABLE YOUR PSIONICS and prevent your escape. It/they then began entering you in BLOOD BOWL TOURNAMENTS, forcing you to fight others like you for their amusement. You dream of the day you will BEAT THE HIGHBLOOD(s) TO A BLOODY PULP and make your escape, but in the meantime, you're a pretty badass fighter at least!

The "poachers" would more than likely just kill him if they managed to capture him. The reason being he looks like a freak of nature, not something to keep alive for amusement. Plus, the backstory just comes off as pointlessly edgy and "badass."

Your fetch modus is VINE, in which larger items serve as the “base” of the vine and smaller items are held ontop of it, retrieving a LARGER item will also withdraw any SMALLER item it may have been supporting.

Your strife specubus is both FISTKIND and CLAWKIND due to your primitive and anti-technological ways. To be perfectly frank, it's a bit of a miracle you have a strife specubus and a fetch modus AT ALL.

Clawkind is technology too. Retractable claws require a mechanism to move them after all! You can't have him be a complete technophobe and still have him exist at all. At most, he should dislike mechanical technology for whatever bizarre reason he has, not hate it outright to the point of destroying all forms of it.

And your speech/quirk has yet to be determined. Help on this would be appreciated.

You never mentioned why he even hates technology. You didn't mention his age or blood color at all in the profile. It states nothing of what he thinks of the hemospectrum.

The character as a whole cannot work at all. Someone who hates technology that much would never be able to live with society. The weird plant on his shoulder should be completely dropped for aforementioned reasons. His lusus needs to be an actual animal/animal hybrid, not a plant or mass of plants.

He needs a hive to live in too! He would not survive early wrigglerhood without one.

His hobbies only seem to include hating technology and fighting. These are not hobbies, these are:

1) A personality malfunction

and

2) Something every troll ever does. Unless he specifically trains in a style of fighting, but it's clear that he doesn't.

This character has been designed around wanting to fight, which makes for a very dull and flat character. Forget about wanting to make him a cool fighter, make a character that is interesting for people to actually talk to and RP with. Expand his interests, make him someone people can actually talk to. Bottom line: Most of this profile is going to need to be scrapped and completely redone, there's no way around it.


Mun notes; I Reeeally want the vines to stay, not only as a weak point but also as a way to further decorate his character, as otherwise he'd just be a mostly-naked troll in a loincloth. In addition, it's my first time. Be gentle ;)

For the record: I can and will explain any questions/details further if politely asked, however as I’m busy tomorrow/today, you may need to wait on it. that is all.

Ok, crit is in red.

FF, I was actually working on a critique for your updated profile but my computer lovingly crashed in the middle of merging it with this one, so I'll just be quick about it.

Does his lusus punish him for deviating from the mission? How so? Is that why he won't deviate from them at all or is it just because he wants to please his lusus?

When he's sent out to kill, does he ever have to target nobles? How does he deal with their greater connections? (I.e. friends of them probably coming back for revenge?)

Does he not care about the people he kills? If he does, why? If he doesn't, well, that's not really an issue then.

I think that's about it. Overall, great improvement! No real problems in the profile really, but you do need to mention his age! The standard headcanon for when a troll needs to have their buckets filled is 10 sweeps. Just make him aware that if he doesn't get more social, he's going to die.


Where we're going we don't need fancherubs
[Image: Argumi.gif][Image: Famynn.gif][Image: Genosi.gif][Image: Gaveyo.gif]
[Image: Floaty.gif][Image: Deveii.gif][Image: Portec.gif][Image: lrduwpk]
[Image: Yarrex.gif]
Silvy Wrote:(my mouth is made of money because every joke i tell is pure gold)
Ocfos Wrote:[3:58:25 PM] Ocfos: Yes it is.
[4:02:07 PM] Ocfos: Breeding solve everything.
[4:02:15 PM] Ocfos: Just look at Africa.
[4:02:25 PM] Ocfos: Need help feeding the children? Get more.
[4:02:46 PM] Ocfos: Tell them to feed them.
[4:03:20 PM] Ocfos: And then you hvve a regurgilating suorce of energy
Reply
07-26-2013, 01:53 PM
Post: #66
RE: Trollslum Critique Thread
For the reccord i'm just gunna state right out that i'm not making him for the sake of putting him the cafe, as i said before he's a prisoner and captured against his will, this guy would be made for fighting in an arena-type setting, not a cafe-type one. sorry, should have said that earlier, but i forgot to say so before going to bed. i'll get to responding to everything else later.

one more thing. I did indeed state his age.

(07-25-2013 06:36 PM)Biophile Wrote:  all seven sweeps of your life
Reply
07-26-2013, 02:14 PM
Post: #67
RE: Trollslum Critique Thread
There is no arena setting, only the cafe and the back alley for fights. It might be a good idea to keep that in mind while you're working on everything.

QUOTES!
[19:23:14] Overlard: my mouth is not a doily

---

[2:42] Toots McButt: Ol wins
My dick in his butt
[2:43] Overlard: I've had worse.
[2:43] Toots McButt: You haven't had a seven foot long dick
[2:43] Overlard: That sounds like it should kill you

---

[1:39:01 PM] Neo: Like a great man once said:
[1:39:09 PM] Nory: my mom got matching dresses for me and her to wear

---

[2:53:44 AM] Dudemaster47: shaniqua stop it ur dragging ur polygamy in2 this chat
[2:53:44 AM] •The Silvster•: and my real life actual wife ™ is my friend asia
[2:53:47 AM] •The Silvster•: GOD
[2:53:50 AM] •The Silvster•: DONT CALL ME BY MY NAME
[2:53:52 AM] •The Silvster•: THATS AWKWARD

---

[4:59:57 AM] Dudemaster47: tbh I’m p. sure my parents can’t wait to kick me out once I’ve finished college and somehow managed to put some money behind me
[5:00:28 AM] The Necromancer: atleast your wasted, DM

---

[9:08:26 PM] Beren: ugh o'v en been tiered i'm sorr for not post ig if were waiting me silcypoo

---

[9:04 PM] Dudemaster47: yes im doing a sandwich at this very moment

---

[2:26:32 AM] Skvira: I play with myself for 5 minutes then kill you
[2:26:48 AM] Dudemaster47: that sounds serial killer-ish

Reply
07-26-2013, 02:33 PM (This post was last modified: 07-26-2013 02:34 PM by Overlard.)
Post: #68
RE: Trollslum Critique Thread
(07-25-2013 06:36 PM)Biophile Wrote:  all seven sweeps of your life

Fair enough, but you still shouldn't bury it so far from the introduction. It should be in or very near to the first sentence so confusion can be avoided.

And as DM said, there is no "arena" type area on this forum. Only the back alley.

Where we're going we don't need fancherubs
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Silvy Wrote:(my mouth is made of money because every joke i tell is pure gold)
Ocfos Wrote:[3:58:25 PM] Ocfos: Yes it is.
[4:02:07 PM] Ocfos: Breeding solve everything.
[4:02:15 PM] Ocfos: Just look at Africa.
[4:02:25 PM] Ocfos: Need help feeding the children? Get more.
[4:02:46 PM] Ocfos: Tell them to feed them.
[4:03:20 PM] Ocfos: And then you hvve a regurgilating suorce of energy
Reply
07-26-2013, 02:36 PM
Post: #69
RE: Trollslum Critique Thread
well yeah, i was plnning on either making one, or reccomending making one for more organized and interesting one-on one fights. maybe even a sort of "prison room" thread or something to allow multiple slaves to talk and interact together.
Reply
07-26-2013, 02:47 PM (This post was last modified: 07-26-2013 02:47 PM by Dudemaster47.)
Post: #70
RE: Trollslum Critique Thread
Unless Yani approves, that's not really going to work. Cafe viability is first and foremost here anyway. Unless he can be approved for the cafe, he's not going to fly for anything else available here.

QUOTES!
[19:23:14] Overlard: my mouth is not a doily

---

[2:42] Toots McButt: Ol wins
My dick in his butt
[2:43] Overlard: I've had worse.
[2:43] Toots McButt: You haven't had a seven foot long dick
[2:43] Overlard: That sounds like it should kill you

---

[1:39:01 PM] Neo: Like a great man once said:
[1:39:09 PM] Nory: my mom got matching dresses for me and her to wear

---

[2:53:44 AM] Dudemaster47: shaniqua stop it ur dragging ur polygamy in2 this chat
[2:53:44 AM] •The Silvster•: and my real life actual wife ™ is my friend asia
[2:53:47 AM] •The Silvster•: GOD
[2:53:50 AM] •The Silvster•: DONT CALL ME BY MY NAME
[2:53:52 AM] •The Silvster•: THATS AWKWARD

---

[4:59:57 AM] Dudemaster47: tbh I’m p. sure my parents can’t wait to kick me out once I’ve finished college and somehow managed to put some money behind me
[5:00:28 AM] The Necromancer: atleast your wasted, DM

---

[9:08:26 PM] Beren: ugh o'v en been tiered i'm sorr for not post ig if were waiting me silcypoo

---

[9:04 PM] Dudemaster47: yes im doing a sandwich at this very moment

---

[2:26:32 AM] Skvira: I play with myself for 5 minutes then kill you
[2:26:48 AM] Dudemaster47: that sounds serial killer-ish

Reply
07-26-2013, 02:58 PM
Post: #71
RE: Trollslum Critique Thread
Might come as a surprise but i'm not an idiot. i'm not going to go creating a billion threads without getting it okayed.
Reply
07-26-2013, 03:01 PM
Post: #72
RE: Trollslum Critique Thread
Yeah, you missed the point of the second half of that sentence. Can we not clutter up this thread with useless banter? You've been told what to fix and what to look at, you should be getting on with it now instead of trying to find reasons not to.

QUOTES!
[19:23:14] Overlard: my mouth is not a doily

---

[2:42] Toots McButt: Ol wins
My dick in his butt
[2:43] Overlard: I've had worse.
[2:43] Toots McButt: You haven't had a seven foot long dick
[2:43] Overlard: That sounds like it should kill you

---

[1:39:01 PM] Neo: Like a great man once said:
[1:39:09 PM] Nory: my mom got matching dresses for me and her to wear

---

[2:53:44 AM] Dudemaster47: shaniqua stop it ur dragging ur polygamy in2 this chat
[2:53:44 AM] •The Silvster•: and my real life actual wife ™ is my friend asia
[2:53:47 AM] •The Silvster•: GOD
[2:53:50 AM] •The Silvster•: DONT CALL ME BY MY NAME
[2:53:52 AM] •The Silvster•: THATS AWKWARD

---

[4:59:57 AM] Dudemaster47: tbh I’m p. sure my parents can’t wait to kick me out once I’ve finished college and somehow managed to put some money behind me
[5:00:28 AM] The Necromancer: atleast your wasted, DM

---

[9:08:26 PM] Beren: ugh o'v en been tiered i'm sorr for not post ig if were waiting me silcypoo

---

[9:04 PM] Dudemaster47: yes im doing a sandwich at this very moment

---

[2:26:32 AM] Skvira: I play with myself for 5 minutes then kill you
[2:26:48 AM] Dudemaster47: that sounds serial killer-ish

Reply
07-27-2013, 11:24 AM
Post: #73
RE: Trollslum Critique Thread
Okay sorry this took so long, i was dreadfully tired last night after some time out and being social, introvert you see, talking to people drains a lot out of me, even when they're fellow introverts oddly enough. Anyways, on to buisness.

(07-26-2013 08:34 AM)Overlard Wrote:  The size of the symbol is fine, but it needs to be on a regular, non-torn shirt. Not a medallion, just a shirt. No tears.

The guy lives alone in a jungle fighting animals and climbing wild trees all night. i think it would be fair to assume he would have a little difficulty getting around without damage to his shirt and that there wouldn't exactly be a GAP or a decent tailor that far out in the middle of the rainforest.


Quote:Troll society is entirely based on technology. All societies are. If he hates technology so much as a whole, then he might as well remove himself from the gene pool himself. The fleet would just kill him (starships are technology), he wouldn't be able to sleep (Recuperacoons and sopor are technology), and he would have nothing to protect himself from the elements as hives are technology.

Quote:He has to have a hive. There is no way he could survive being a wriggler without one. He needs a recuperacoon just to sleep properly and something to keep him from getting killed by wild animals and basic elements of nature.


okay i can see your point, i don't want to use the word "Technophobic" however as the word "phobic" implies fear, he's not afraid of technology, he just hates it. How about then that he lives in a cave, or some primitive wooden treehouse or something which includes a recupricoon? it's not really technology as it has nothing to do with circutboards or electricity, plus we have evidence of organic-technology in the comic itself, so perhaps he could just stick to that stuff. Worrying about the fleet i don't believe would be an issue, as stated later in the profile, he was captured and enslaved and forced to fight in blood arenas, i figure he'd either be killed in combat, or just kept to continue fighting for others amusement, possibly being kept as some highblood's "pet". Or heck, drop the guy into the front lines from a safe distance and he'll start breaking up the enemies assets, and if he dies it's no real loss to you.

Quote:Lusi are singular animals/animal hybrids. They are not plants or swarms or masses of anything. His lusus needs to be an animal.

okay, how about some form of animal/plant hybrid, think of the creatures in Pikmin. it has the features of a plant, such as a mass of vines and possibly photosynthetic leaves, but ultimately it is an animal with a brain at it's core.



Quote:This is not a psychic power. In what way is it psychic? It has nothing to do with his mind whatsoever. Besides, a power like that is not only phenomenally overpowered (the vague wording on "powerful punches" does not help) but it would probably end up killing him instead. Arms are not invincible structures made of adamantium. A "powerful punch" on the level that is implied would shatter his arm into pieces. A great leap would only end with him landing and shattering every bone in his body, dying nearly instantly.

I hate to bring Anime into it, but consider it like a much more limited version of Goku's Kaio-ken ability, basically up to two limbs of his choice are enhanced with psionic energy, being surrounded with brown "aura" (as that would be the colour of his psionics) for a few seconds at a time, and in that time the limbs act stronger and tougher then they actually are, with a limit to maybe like... ten times stronger? five times? it would basically take how strong her normally is, and enhance that by some amount, so where normally he could punch a dent into a block of wood, with his psionic ability he might be able to break it in half or something. Keep in mind that this would never lead anywhere up to Equius-level strength, he is simply the strongest there is.

As for the great leaps, you actually make a very good point! I neglected to mention this so you have my apologizes, but as i was designing the character i decided that if Biotor uses his psionic enhancement to jump high into the air, he also needs to use it to land, otherwise he could seriously get hurt. And seeing as the enhancement only affects two limbs at a time for a few seconds at a time (another thing i neglected to mention, i apologize) then i would say he would need to ensure he landed on at least one enhanced limb after falling to ensure he doesn't hurt himself.

As for the overpowered bit, perhaps it was my forgetting to explain it in full detail, but i can't see how it would be overpowered. Allow me to give a quick rundown.

*up to two limbs enhanced in strength via psionic energy at a time,.if Psionics can pick up and throw things, control other people, heat things up, freeze things, show the future etc, i hardly see how this is out of the acceptable range. Enhancing only one limb as opposed to two will not make the one limb any stronger.

* Each enhancement only lasts 3-6 seconds at a time before wearing out. If you want, i can even put a "cooldown" on there, where the character needs to wait 3-6 seconds before being able to enhance that limb again.

*Strength enhanced depends on strength possessed naturally. So if he works out more, his punches would get stronger. if he sits on the couch eating corn chips for two sweeps, his punches would get weaker.

and finally *Leaping into the air using enhanced legs must end in landing on at least one enhanced limb, as normal limbs would break or get otherwise wounded. i'd be willing to upgrade this to two enhanced limbs if you feel it's necessary.

That said, i hope that clears things up a bit for you.


Quote:Unless the fight happens to involve the opponent barely scratching him, this doesn't work. Scars are not immune to stabs, slashes, gouges, or beatings. It's only slightly tougher skin in that it can somewhat resist light scrapes and won't let hair grow on it.

Well yes, but think of it like working out your muscles, when you feel pain from exercising, that's your muscles tearing and getting damaged. when you rest again, your muscles will heal over stronger then they were before, as you keep working out, you get stronger and stronger muscles by damaging them. it's the same with skin, the more you damage it the tougher it gets, that's how callouses are formed, as you wear away at your skin by playing guitar or walking in difficult shoes, denser skin piles up in the damaged locations in a response to this to protect your body.


Quote:The "poachers" would more than likely just kill him if they managed to capture him. The reason being he looks like a freak of nature, not something to keep alive for amusement. Plus, the backstory just comes off as pointlessly edgy and "badass."

How would you recommend fixing it?

Quote:Clawkind is technology too. Retractable claws require a mechanism to move them after all! You can't have him be a complete technophobe and still have him exist at all. At most, he should dislike mechanical technology for whatever bizarre reason he has, not hate it outright to the point of destroying all forms of it.

His claws in now way retract or move around, think of them as being made out of stone or bone, he just has them attached to his hand and goes from there. And as i have said before, i don't like the word “technophobe” as it implies fear, this is a hate. what if i were to write in a justifiable reason for this hate, such as he was an ordinary troll living in a jungle once, until he saw some trolls using mechanical technology to tear down a huge segment of the jungle for whatever reason. would that be more acceptable? admittedly it does come off as a bit captain-planet, but a "machine hating naturalist" is sort of the motif I’m going for here.

Quote:You didn't mention his age or blood color at all in the profile. It states nothing of what he thinks of the hemospectrum.

it says right in "the basics" as well as being clearly visible on his proto-sprite that he is a brownblood. i apologize for not making it and his age more apparent, i will correct this in the next draft after getting your response to this response. As for what he thinks of the hemospectrum, i never really thought of that sorry, i guess given what i wrote for him before i assumed it would be pretty clear he didn't much care either way and just looked out for himself.

Quote:The character as a whole cannot work at all. Someone who hates technology that much would never be able to live with society.

Well... he didn't... he lived in the jungle alone.

Quote:His hobbies only seem to include hating technology and fighting. These are not hobbies, these are:

1) A personality malfunction

and

2) Something every troll ever does. Unless he specifically trains in a style of fighting, but it's clear that he doesn't.

A fair point and one that i can understand, I’ve already asked if further explaining his distaste for technology would be acceptable, as for other hobbies and interests, what would you recommend? i could perhaps give him an interest in minor arts such as carving bone stone and wood into small sculptures, or creating jewelry out of similar organic and natural materials. Would something along the lines of this help fill in the gaps?
Reply
07-27-2013, 01:39 PM
Post: #74
RE: Trollslum Critique Thread
Quote:okay i can see your point, i don't want to use the word "Technophobic" however as the word "phobic" implies fear, he's not afraid of technology, he just hates it. How about then that he lives in a cave, or some primitive wooden treehouse or something which includes a recupricoon? it's not really technology as it has nothing to do with circutboards or electricity, plus we have evidence of organic-technology in the comic itself, so perhaps he could just stick to that stuff. Worrying about the fleet i don't believe would be an issue, as stated later in the profile, he was captured and enslaved and forced to fight in blood arenas, i figure he'd either be killed in combat, or just kept to continue fighting for others amusement, possibly being kept as some highblood's "pet". Or heck, drop the guy into the front lines from a safe distance and he'll start breaking up the enemies assets, and if he dies it's no real loss to you.

He needs a hive. He needs a recuperacoon. No hive means no survival. Period.

Quote:okay, how about some form of animal/plant hybrid, think of the creatures in Pikmin. it has the features of a plant, such as a mass of vines and possibly photosynthetic leaves, but ultimately it is an animal with a brain at it's core.

No. It needs to be an animal of some kind. No "pseudo-animals".

Quote:I hate to bring Anime into it, but consider it like a much more limited version of Goku's Kaio-ken ability, basically up to two limbs of his choice are enhanced with psionic energy, being surrounded with brown "aura" (as that would be the colour of his psionics) for a few seconds at a time, and in that time the limbs act stronger and tougher then they actually are, with a limit to maybe like... ten times stronger? five times? it would basically take how strong her normally is, and enhance that by some amount, so where normally he could punch a dent into a block of wood, with his psionic ability he might be able to break it in half or something. Keep in mind that this would never lead anywhere up to Equius-level strength, he is simply the strongest there is.

As for the great leaps, you actually make a very good point! I neglected to mention this so you have my apologizes, but as i was designing the character i decided that if Biotor uses his psionic enhancement to jump high into the air, he also needs to use it to land, otherwise he could seriously get hurt. And seeing as the enhancement only affects two limbs at a time for a few seconds at a time (another thing i neglected to mention, i apologize) then i would say he would need to ensure he landed on at least one enhanced limb after falling to ensure he doesn't hurt himself.

As for the overpowered bit, perhaps it was my forgetting to explain it in full detail, but i can't see how it would be overpowered. Allow me to give a quick rundown.

*up to two limbs enhanced in strength via psionic energy at a time,.if Psionics can pick up and throw things, control other people, heat things up, freeze things, show the future etc, i hardly see how this is out of the acceptable range. Enhancing only one limb as opposed to two will not make the one limb any stronger.

* Each enhancement only lasts 3-6 seconds at a time before wearing out. If you want, i can even put a "cooldown" on there, where the character needs to wait 3-6 seconds before being able to enhance that limb again.

*Strength enhanced depends on strength possessed naturally. So if he works out more, his punches would get stronger. if he sits on the couch eating corn chips for two sweeps, his punches would get weaker.

and finally *Leaping into the air using enhanced legs must end in landing on at least one enhanced limb, as normal limbs would break or get otherwise wounded. i'd be willing to upgrade this to two enhanced limbs if you feel it's necessary.

That said, i hope that clears things up a bit for you.

Anime doesn't follow the laws of physics, and Dragon Ball Z especially doesn't. Never use anime to justify anything. Ever. Sum up: No.

Quote:Well yes, but think of it like working out your muscles, when you feel pain from exercising, that's your muscles tearing and getting damaged. when you rest again, your muscles will heal over stronger then they were before, as you keep working out, you get stronger and stronger muscles by damaging them. it's the same with skin, the more you damage it the tougher it gets, that's how callouses are formed, as you wear away at your skin by playing guitar or walking in difficult shoes, denser skin piles up in the damaged locations in a response to this to protect your body.

Tougher skin means taking a punch better--weapons will kill you just as fast. A cut is a cut, no matter how tough your skin is.

Quote:How would you recommend fixing it?

Short story: You can't. This isn't something that can work at all, down at the purest and most basic of level.

Quote:His claws in now way retract or move around, think of them as being made out of stone or bone, he just has them attached to his hand and goes from there. And as i have said before, i don't like the word “technophobe” as it implies fear, this is a hate. what if i were to write in a justifiable reason for this hate, such as he was an ordinary troll living in a jungle once, until he saw some trolls using mechanical technology to tear down a huge segment of the jungle for whatever reason. would that be more acceptable? admittedly it does come off as a bit captain-planet, but a "machine hating naturalist" is sort of the motif I’m going for here.

Tools of any kind are technology. Sticks chimps use to uproot bugs and termite nests? Technology. The Wheel? Technology. A spearhead? Technology. A troll can be a technotard and get frustrated, but never full on hate. Those kinds of trolls would be killed by the elements incredibly fast. Nevermind the fact that the lack of sopor slime would drive him insane enough to the point of potential suicide. It just doesn't work. Especially not for trolls.

Quote:Well... he didn't... he lived in the jungle alone.

Lusii raise trolls. That's what they're bred to do. They raise them to the standards of Alternian living up until the troll can meet others and then grow from there. This contradicts that glaringly. A troll can live alone, but there's ramifications, and a lusus is going to make said troll learn as much as possible before making them branch out. A husktop will be present, always, and a troll is a social creature at heart. Without any socializing, the'll definitely go insane quicker than a human, and that rate can be alarmingly quick. To be a hermit is death on Alternia. A lusus wouldn't do that to a troll. You can possibly have a troll be alone that USED to be around others, but never "alone for the sake of being alone".

Quote:A fair point and one that i can understand, I’ve already asked if further explaining his distaste for technology would be acceptable, as for other hobbies and interests, what would you recommend? i could perhaps give him an interest in minor arts such as carving bone stone and wood into small sculptures, or creating jewelry out of similar organic and natural materials. Would something along the lines of this help fill in the gaps?

All of those use technology. Every single one of them.

Overall this concept is, in blatantly honest truth, bogus. It contradicts canon, it contradicts the very setting and nature of the Trollian race, and worse off is that it's done strictly out of "rule of cool" instead of actual basis. In my opinion, you should scrap this and make something else entirely. It won't fly. You're trying to fly a wingless plane that has a busted fuel line. Leave it in the scrapyard and find a new plane. Preferably one well thought out and planned.
Reply
07-27-2013, 01:53 PM (This post was last modified: 07-27-2013 01:57 PM by Overlard.)
Post: #75
RE: Trollslum Critique Thread
(07-27-2013 11:24 AM)Biophile Wrote:  Clothes.

DM put it best.

(07-26-2013 08:31 AM)Dudemaster47 Wrote:  Nepeta lives in the wild, in a goddamned cave. Her clothing is definitely not tattered. Clothe this guy.


Quote:Technology.

Technology constitutes anything beyond hitting things with your fists. Even then, the specialized knowledge of how to hit things with your fists well is considered technology.

He can't just hate technology in all its forms, and he still needs an actual reason for it. The point I'm making here is that he doesn't stand a chance of surviving at all before the "poachers" get to him as it is.

Quote:okay, how about some form of animal/plant hybrid, think of the creatures in Pikmin. it has the features of a plant, such as a mass of vines and possibly photosynthetic leaves, but ultimately it is an animal with a brain at it's core.

Lusii are animals. Period.

Quote:Powers.

It's a bad power, plain and simple. This can't be fixed at all. Its only application is just for the sake of "cool combat." And combat in RP is a real mess that should be avoided.

Drop the power and think of a new one, that's how you fix it. Explaining it won't justify it.


Quote:Scars.

Weapons are intended to pierce right through skin, scars or not. Scars (in any amount) do not equate to plated armor. The most they can protect from is a regular punch.


Quote:How would you recommend fixing it?

By not having it.

Quote:Claws and captain Planet.

That's a technology. He stuck bone on his hand someway. Technology. He can't have it if he hates technology.

And why would he even care that someone is ripping up the area enough to hate all technology? Wouldn't he just hate the trolls instead?

Quote:Well... he didn't... he lived in the jungle alone.

His lusus is there. His lusus should be controlling him and making him fit into society on some level.

Quote:A fair point and one that i can understand, I’ve already asked if further explaining his distaste for technology would be acceptable, as for other hobbies and interests, what would you recommend? i could perhaps give him an interest in minor arts such as carving bone stone and wood into small sculptures, or creating jewelry out of similar organic and natural materials. Would something along the lines of this help fill in the gaps?

That's all technology, the application of specific knowledge. As said at least three times now, this just can't work. Incinerate the character and try again with a different idea.

Where we're going we don't need fancherubs
[Image: Argumi.gif][Image: Famynn.gif][Image: Genosi.gif][Image: Gaveyo.gif]
[Image: Floaty.gif][Image: Deveii.gif][Image: Portec.gif][Image: lrduwpk]
[Image: Yarrex.gif]
Silvy Wrote:(my mouth is made of money because every joke i tell is pure gold)
Ocfos Wrote:[3:58:25 PM] Ocfos: Yes it is.
[4:02:07 PM] Ocfos: Breeding solve everything.
[4:02:15 PM] Ocfos: Just look at Africa.
[4:02:25 PM] Ocfos: Need help feeding the children? Get more.
[4:02:46 PM] Ocfos: Tell them to feed them.
[4:03:20 PM] Ocfos: And then you hvve a regurgilating suorce of energy
Reply
07-27-2013, 02:18 PM
Post: #76
RE: Trollslum Critique Thread
My opinions on this...

"And as i have said before, i don't like the word “technophobe” as it implies fear, this is a hate."

Fear breeds hatred. Don't even try to argue that, no matter how much you say he hates machines it is still an extreme manifestation of technophobia. Again, fear breeds hatred. That is a fact.

As I said before, a pointy rock tied to a stick is technology. Hell, just shaving the damn stick to a point is technology.


Other than that, I ultimately agree with the others on this. Scrap him and try again. Every bit of potential he has is lost in very poor execution, and the fact is that this rp setting is meant for social interaction between trolls and Biotor is inherently designed to be extremely anti-social and unable to even fit in with other trolls or handle actual society. From a trollian point of view, he wouldn't be thought of as a useful tool or some kind of amusing savage. He would be a liability, someone who is incapable of even functioning if taken out of that "jungle" environment.

This isn't Tarzan. There isn't going to be a Jane who will come along and tame this wild man on Alternia, all there's going to be is annoyed trolls who aren't going to put up with that sort of thing.


Here's something to think about when you're trying again: Think about the setting you're making this troll for. IE: The cafe. It's meant for social interaction. It's meant for people to RP together and have trolls develop meaningful (and not so meaningful) relationships and all that jazz. Make a troll capable of, I don't know, actually fitting into some semblance of society.

Here's another thing to think about: Fitting in does not mean you cannot be unique. You do not need to have a sign plastered on your face shouting I AM A UNIQUE INDIVIDUAL to actually stand out and be different and interesting. You do not need a third arm or vines growing out of your body or talking nipples or anything ridiculous! Hell, you don't even need to make him particularly sane, or well-rounded, or even well-adjusted or socially inclined. He just has to be capable of functioning in a social environment. Don't rely on gimmicks to make a character unique, it's unnecessary and takes away from the character overall.

QUOTES!
[19:23:14] Overlard: my mouth is not a doily

---

[2:42] Toots McButt: Ol wins
My dick in his butt
[2:43] Overlard: I've had worse.
[2:43] Toots McButt: You haven't had a seven foot long dick
[2:43] Overlard: That sounds like it should kill you

---

[1:39:01 PM] Neo: Like a great man once said:
[1:39:09 PM] Nory: my mom got matching dresses for me and her to wear

---

[2:53:44 AM] Dudemaster47: shaniqua stop it ur dragging ur polygamy in2 this chat
[2:53:44 AM] •The Silvster•: and my real life actual wife ™ is my friend asia
[2:53:47 AM] •The Silvster•: GOD
[2:53:50 AM] •The Silvster•: DONT CALL ME BY MY NAME
[2:53:52 AM] •The Silvster•: THATS AWKWARD

---

[4:59:57 AM] Dudemaster47: tbh I’m p. sure my parents can’t wait to kick me out once I’ve finished college and somehow managed to put some money behind me
[5:00:28 AM] The Necromancer: atleast your wasted, DM

---

[9:08:26 PM] Beren: ugh o'v en been tiered i'm sorr for not post ig if were waiting me silcypoo

---

[9:04 PM] Dudemaster47: yes im doing a sandwich at this very moment

---

[2:26:32 AM] Skvira: I play with myself for 5 minutes then kill you
[2:26:48 AM] Dudemaster47: that sounds serial killer-ish

Reply
07-27-2013, 02:38 PM
Post: #77
RE: Trollslum Critique Thread
Okay I’m sorry i can't do this. You people... this is a criticism thread, where people help other people make their trolls better.

you have not tried to help make my troll better, you have tried to remove him. I am sorry, but this is not okay, i give up, I’m out.

I came here hoping for some feedback to help improve my troll and make him a better individual, regardless of whether or not i intended to put him in the cafe or not. when you pointed out a flaw, i either explained it, tried to fix it, or asked what you thought i should do.

you all said "get rid of it."

This is not criticism, criticism is saying what one can do to fix their troll and make them better, while still being the troll the individual as attempting to make. What you're doing is just throwing rocks at whatever trolls don't meet your standards until they go away.

you should never, ever stop somebody from making a troll completely. if they have an idea and they want to work with it, work with them and help them make it work, don't tell them to throw it in the garbage and try again, that is not helping, that is saying they are not good enough and putting them down.


and for the record, you're all looking way to far into the whole "X is technology" thing. I’ve made it quite clear by now that i mean electricity and circuit-boards, stuff that is absolutely 100% man (or in this case troll) made and unnatural. A stick tied to a rock or a rope made out of vine does not meet this criteria. Settle down a bit.

0/10. would not recommend. Ever.
Reply
07-27-2013, 02:48 PM
Post: #78
RE: Trollslum Critique Thread
What part of "broken concept" wasn't made clear? It couldn't work, under any circumstance. It is all on the fault of you if you choose to ignore why we told you that your troll didn't work, never worked, and won't work. It IS criticism, even if you want to hide behind some sort of beleaguered sense of victimization. We explained why it couldn't work, we stressed it just cannot work under any circumstance, and yet still you do nothing but rationalize. The one at fault here is you, not us.

Take it or leave it. This is our critique and advice. We're showing you concepts like this cannot work in hopes it will better you--not out of demonization or discrimination. If you want to flip us the proverbial finger and throw a fit, then know it's you who ends up looking bad, and not us.
Reply
07-27-2013, 02:50 PM
Post: #79
RE: Trollslum Critique Thread
(07-27-2013 02:38 PM)Biophile Wrote:  you should never, ever stop somebody from making a troll completely. if they have an idea and they want to work with it, work with them and help them make it work, don't tell them to throw it in the garbage and try again, that is not helping, that is saying they are not good enough and putting them down.

No, it's saying that the troll idea is not good and should be stopped before it progresses and wastes effort on part of the writer. If someone takes it personally, that's their own problem.

Some ideas are just bad, that's why editing and the delete function exist.

Where we're going we don't need fancherubs
[Image: Argumi.gif][Image: Famynn.gif][Image: Genosi.gif][Image: Gaveyo.gif]
[Image: Floaty.gif][Image: Deveii.gif][Image: Portec.gif][Image: lrduwpk]
[Image: Yarrex.gif]
Silvy Wrote:(my mouth is made of money because every joke i tell is pure gold)
Ocfos Wrote:[3:58:25 PM] Ocfos: Yes it is.
[4:02:07 PM] Ocfos: Breeding solve everything.
[4:02:15 PM] Ocfos: Just look at Africa.
[4:02:25 PM] Ocfos: Need help feeding the children? Get more.
[4:02:46 PM] Ocfos: Tell them to feed them.
[4:03:20 PM] Ocfos: And then you hvve a regurgilating suorce of energy
Reply
07-27-2013, 02:57 PM (This post was last modified: 07-27-2013 02:57 PM by Biophile.)
Post: #80
RE: Trollslum Critique Thread
then FIX the concept! Take what's broken and make it work! Throwing it away isn't doing this, it's making the writer feel like an idiot and killing off perfectly good ideas!

I’m sorry but you're not going to change my mind on this. I’ve tried listening to you and I’ve tried making changes to make things work. Rather then working with me back, you just tell me to scrap the whole thing and start again, when I’ve already worked hard on this guy for over a month coming up with all the ideas and working on the proto-sprite for him.

you look too deeply into things, you overanalyze, you grossly overestimate the state of Alternia, and you have no acceptance of any sort of imagination or divination from the "norm". You could have helped me make my troll good, you decided to try and convince me to throw him in the trash. I’m sorry, but that's not okay.

I wish i could get along with you guys, i wish i could roleplay you guys, but if you're going to just recommend i throw away any troll i make and waste both my time and yours then I’m not going to bother. Have fun!
Reply
07-27-2013, 03:03 PM
Post: #81
RE: Trollslum Critique Thread
We said it can't be fixed. It can't be fixed. We're not saying "don't make trolls", we're saying to understand where we are coming from and to work with it. This concept cannot and will not work. Insulting us on top of this only deepens the grave you're digging.

It seems here like the one being obstinate isn't us, but you. If you can't understand why this troll doesn't work, and if you can't accept you have to make another one that's better and different, then I've news for you: fantrolls will not be your only struggle in life.
Reply
07-27-2013, 03:28 PM
Post: #82
RE: Trollslum Critique Thread
You probably should have checked to see if an arena thread would even be allowed with Yani before submitting him in the first place if that's where you wanted him to be. So far all we have is the café and the alley (which is basically one in the same, really). And no offense, but if Madrah's third eye was considered too much by the RPers here, why would you think VINES growing out of his shoulders would make any sense? And being too much of a divination from the "norm" really is a death sentence on Alternia, so they were right in pointing that out. Though you CAN deviate, you just can't go as far as a hate for electric technology and plants from the shoulders.
Reply
07-27-2013, 03:35 PM (This post was last modified: 07-27-2013 03:38 PM by feep.)
Post: #83
RE: Trollslum Critique Thread
2 cents:

yes, people here take fantrolling a bit too seriously. yes, it is very silly. yes, the literal definition of technology as a whole includes examples like the invention of the wheel; but what is being considered 'technology' for the sake of this one critique SEEMS like a feeble attempt to grasp at the straws of sounding intelligent, since when we talk about technology the first thing we all think of is electronics. everyone does make interesting points.

the trees growing out of the shoulders thing is weird, but there's nothing like, illegal levels of wrong with this fantroll if you were making it an ancestor or something. this profile is much more suitable for an ancestor than some dumb 13-20 year old kid on a rock waiting to be drafted who's probably interested in video games and roleplaying. if you're going for the latter category, it would be a good idea to tone it down to nepeta levels of wild. i mean, if we're looking for the average troll, all we have to go by is what we're shown in the comic so toning down his xtreme-ness wouldn't be a bad idea.

it's not that anyone hates you or thinks your ideas are just plain bad (i speak for myself here), but your fantroll wouldn't fit very well into a cafe setting and that's basically all it comes down to. it's similar to coming into an rp set in the middle of a desert and demanding to play a mermaid character. most places have a no shoes, no shirt, no service rule anyway.

there's no law saying that your character can't go to a fucking coffee shop and mingle or whatever, but a coffee shop is all we have right now as far as options go. i think a lot of people here would rather talk than fight.

[Image: oEhR8.png]
Reply
07-27-2013, 03:36 PM (This post was last modified: 07-27-2013 03:39 PM by Biophile.)
Post: #84
RE: Trollslum Critique Thread
can we not bring up things that have no place here? Thanks. (Reffering to yarid)

while i'm here again i may as well point out again that i never intended this to be for a cafe setting. there was absolutely zero possibility of me ever putting this guy into the cafe, at most i'd play him ain an arena-type setting, at worst i wouldn't roleplay at all and just have him as a flat out fantroll. i was not looking for help designing a cafe troll, i was looking for help designing a. troll. i'm sorry if that wasn't clear but i said so multiple times as far as i can recall.
Reply
07-27-2013, 04:07 PM (This post was last modified: 07-27-2013 04:09 PM by Dudemaster47.)
Post: #85
RE: Trollslum Critique Thread
Spoilered for long.

Sorry if a character who would be incapable of functioning in any semblance of society, let alone Alternian, isn't going to be accepted. The very basic concept of a troll who dislikes machines might have worked, but you took it in the wrong direction and came out with something utterly unusable in the setting provided.

As for DEVIATION from the norm, hell, that's not even the biggest character flaw that makes him unusable. It's quite literally the fact that he is practically inherently designed to have no capacity for social interaction. Or to work in a heavily social environment. Or really, any societal environment at all. But if you want to go with the problem with that? It's because his "DEVIATION from the norm" isn't "being different and unique". Different and unique is good. Quirkiness is good. Interesting is good. But everything is good in moderation, and there isn't any moderation remotely present here.

To put it bluntly, there is much more than a fine line between "unique" and "sticks out like a sore thumb". He falls into the category of "sticks out like a sore thumb", which then further condemns him to unusability. To be honest, he's so far into that category of "sticks out like a sore thumb" that he's closer to "sticks out like a sore thumb that is also your otherwise fully-grown adult-sized Siamese twin" than "unique".

As for the profile itself, you spent more time working on how he is "SO DIFFERENT" and "SO UNIQUE" that you totally ignored the things that actually mattered towards making someone stand out in a good, that being stuff like interests and hobbies, his personality, as well as how these affect him and how he is as a character and maybe even a bit of how he grew to be the way he is. Who someone is as a person, what they are and why they are that way, these are the things that make an individual truly unique!

You didn't even focus on any of those things. The most we know about this guy's personality is "HATES MACHINES" and "FIGHTS GOOD". Those are also his only interests and hobbies. His only tie to society is through fighting, and his hatred of machines is so extreme that he would practically go berserk the moment he entered any semblance of society and ignore others for the sole purpose of destroying everything technological in sight, meaning the only interaction other people could possibly have with him would be pacifying a raging wild man. Considering these are trolls we're talking about, that "pacifying" suddenly turns to "stopping him with extreme prejudice".

So, to reiterate, the very, very, VERY core concept, the initial seed of an idea that sparked this troll? Had the potential to grow into a beautiful rose. Instead it grew into some kind of hideous tentacle-vine monster. The only way to possibly fix the concept would be to literally go back to that initial seed and start over, changing everything about him except the very basic fact that:

He is a troll who dislikes machines.

There's your advice. Here's how you fix it: Take that concept. Take his dislike of machines and keep it at a level where it is sane and reasonable, where he is not liable to go berserk the moment he sees a coffee machine or another person take out a cell phone, but maybe he distrusts such things and refuses to use them on principle? And everything else? Trash it and start over. If you want him to be unique on a level outside of his personality and who he is? Don't give him a strife specibus or a modus. Make him carry everything in his pockets and hands, or in a bag. He doesn't have to be normal. He doesn't HAVE to be boring. He doesn't have to be a social butterfly or a wallflower or a good kid who doesn't do drugs and gets good grades and is captain of the football team or whatever you want to define as "normal".

The problem is not that we are preventing you from doing anything interesting or unique, it is that you define "interesting and unique" as "having to be comparable to a 3/4-naked wild man with vines growing out of his shoulders". The problem is that this is unique to the extreme. This isn't "I'm interesting and quirky, and these quirks and flaws make me stand out as a unique personality", this is "I'M DIFFERENT! NOTICE ME! NOTICE ME!"

As a side note, restrictions do not stifle creativity. It takes more creativity to create a good character that works with the restrictions and the setting they are intended to work in than it does to create a mess of a character whose sole purpose is to be cool and fight good and be "unique". Don't blame us if you are unable to work with the guidelines provided, blame yourself. That is all.

TL;DR and a little less harsh: I think the concept had potential, but the execution was heavily flawed. Sometimes the only way to fix something is to start from the beginning. Also stuff about not going to extremes when making someone unique and whatnot.

QUOTES!
[19:23:14] Overlard: my mouth is not a doily

---

[2:42] Toots McButt: Ol wins
My dick in his butt
[2:43] Overlard: I've had worse.
[2:43] Toots McButt: You haven't had a seven foot long dick
[2:43] Overlard: That sounds like it should kill you

---

[1:39:01 PM] Neo: Like a great man once said:
[1:39:09 PM] Nory: my mom got matching dresses for me and her to wear

---

[2:53:44 AM] Dudemaster47: shaniqua stop it ur dragging ur polygamy in2 this chat
[2:53:44 AM] •The Silvster•: and my real life actual wife ™ is my friend asia
[2:53:47 AM] •The Silvster•: GOD
[2:53:50 AM] •The Silvster•: DONT CALL ME BY MY NAME
[2:53:52 AM] •The Silvster•: THATS AWKWARD

---

[4:59:57 AM] Dudemaster47: tbh I’m p. sure my parents can’t wait to kick me out once I’ve finished college and somehow managed to put some money behind me
[5:00:28 AM] The Necromancer: atleast your wasted, DM

---

[9:08:26 PM] Beren: ugh o'v en been tiered i'm sorr for not post ig if were waiting me silcypoo

---

[9:04 PM] Dudemaster47: yes im doing a sandwich at this very moment

---

[2:26:32 AM] Skvira: I play with myself for 5 minutes then kill you
[2:26:48 AM] Dudemaster47: that sounds serial killer-ish

Reply
07-27-2013, 04:16 PM
Post: #86
RE: Trollslum Critique Thread
All very good points my freind!

Maybe, if you had said that and given me advice and suggestions as to what i can do to change him and make him better, and like... point out the flaws i made, explained how to fix them, and game me criticism... then things might have turned out decently!

but nope! "we hate him, throw him in the garbage start again."
Reply
07-27-2013, 04:34 PM (This post was last modified: 07-27-2013 04:36 PM by Dudemaster47.)
Post: #87
RE: Trollslum Critique Thread
We did. The problem is that the only way to "fix" the flaws is to start this troll over from scratch with the original base idea and go in a different direction.

What I said is literally the same thing that has been said by all of us. Sometimes something is so broken that it needs to be completely done over from scratch, and this is an example of that.

QUOTES!
[19:23:14] Overlard: my mouth is not a doily

---

[2:42] Toots McButt: Ol wins
My dick in his butt
[2:43] Overlard: I've had worse.
[2:43] Toots McButt: You haven't had a seven foot long dick
[2:43] Overlard: That sounds like it should kill you

---

[1:39:01 PM] Neo: Like a great man once said:
[1:39:09 PM] Nory: my mom got matching dresses for me and her to wear

---

[2:53:44 AM] Dudemaster47: shaniqua stop it ur dragging ur polygamy in2 this chat
[2:53:44 AM] •The Silvster•: and my real life actual wife ™ is my friend asia
[2:53:47 AM] •The Silvster•: GOD
[2:53:50 AM] •The Silvster•: DONT CALL ME BY MY NAME
[2:53:52 AM] •The Silvster•: THATS AWKWARD

---

[4:59:57 AM] Dudemaster47: tbh I’m p. sure my parents can’t wait to kick me out once I’ve finished college and somehow managed to put some money behind me
[5:00:28 AM] The Necromancer: atleast your wasted, DM

---

[9:08:26 PM] Beren: ugh o'v en been tiered i'm sorr for not post ig if were waiting me silcypoo

---

[9:04 PM] Dudemaster47: yes im doing a sandwich at this very moment

---

[2:26:32 AM] Skvira: I play with myself for 5 minutes then kill you
[2:26:48 AM] Dudemaster47: that sounds serial killer-ish

Reply
07-27-2013, 04:41 PM
Post: #88
RE: Trollslum Critique Thread
i told you what this guy was a week ago, knowing all of this you still told me to go here, and i thought i was for some refinement. Evidently this was not the case.

But hey, you got me out of the chat just like you wanted to! Boy oh boy i guess Christmas came early this year! I did everything you asked and you still kick me out because the words "we hate it throw him in the garbage and start again" nullify everything i did. Such fun times we've had no?

Still trying to figure out how to delete this dang account.
Reply
07-27-2013, 04:49 PM (This post was last modified: 07-27-2013 05:27 PM by Dudemaster47.)
Post: #89
RE: Trollslum Critique Thread
I also told you to make a troll who was cafe-viable specifically. And his outline did have some actual potential before you decided to go full-Tarzan with him. But even working from the outline, most of the critiques presented are still valid and warrants remaking him from the bottom up.

Speaking of which, you didn't even intend to actually make a cafe-viable troll. So yeah.

QUOTES!
[19:23:14] Overlard: my mouth is not a doily

---

[2:42] Toots McButt: Ol wins
My dick in his butt
[2:43] Overlard: I've had worse.
[2:43] Toots McButt: You haven't had a seven foot long dick
[2:43] Overlard: That sounds like it should kill you

---

[1:39:01 PM] Neo: Like a great man once said:
[1:39:09 PM] Nory: my mom got matching dresses for me and her to wear

---

[2:53:44 AM] Dudemaster47: shaniqua stop it ur dragging ur polygamy in2 this chat
[2:53:44 AM] •The Silvster•: and my real life actual wife ™ is my friend asia
[2:53:47 AM] •The Silvster•: GOD
[2:53:50 AM] •The Silvster•: DONT CALL ME BY MY NAME
[2:53:52 AM] •The Silvster•: THATS AWKWARD

---

[4:59:57 AM] Dudemaster47: tbh I’m p. sure my parents can’t wait to kick me out once I’ve finished college and somehow managed to put some money behind me
[5:00:28 AM] The Necromancer: atleast your wasted, DM

---

[9:08:26 PM] Beren: ugh o'v en been tiered i'm sorr for not post ig if were waiting me silcypoo

---

[9:04 PM] Dudemaster47: yes im doing a sandwich at this very moment

---

[2:26:32 AM] Skvira: I play with myself for 5 minutes then kill you
[2:26:48 AM] Dudemaster47: that sounds serial killer-ish

Reply
07-28-2013, 01:12 AM
Post: #90
RE: Trollslum Critique Thread
[Image: EyesNeutral.png][Image: WithEyesMini.png]

Your name is ALSCIA CHIONI and you NEVER SEEM TO LEARN FROM YOUR MISTAKES.

Namely, you still have not learned HUMILITY. You are a lowly DARK REDBLOOD, the lowest of the low, yet you insist upon being treated with RESPECT by other trolls, even highbloods. Naturally, that's gotten you into a lot of trouble ever since you first left your hive when you were six sweeps old. Cocky redbloods are trouble magnets, apparently, and the past sweep or so has felt like a string of different tortures. As a result of various PUNISHMENTS by highbloods you have angered, you have had your EYES removed, your HANDS cut off, and various SCARS cut into most of your body. You are absolutely TERRIFIED of highbloods though you try to hide this the best you can, and you particularly fear indigobloods, even more so subjugglators.

You have few INTERESTS lately. You used to love to READ, and your passion was SCULPTING ever since you were a young wriggler. For a while, you made a lot of caegars from selling your work. Being blind for so long and unable to feel any sensation due to your robotic hands made you fall a bit out of practice, but you're hoping to get good again. You frequent PESTERCHUM and the INTERNET, though you don't really do much online other than read. Now that you finally have your sight back, you can actually READ again.

You have a POWER, which you call CRYOKINESIS. It actually has nothing to do with ice manipulation, but you think using that term for it sounds cool. You make everything around you very COLD, a sort of specialized telekinesis that involves slowing down molecules. You don't actually know how it works because you weren't schoolfed long enough to know what molecules even are, but you know how to use it. Sort of. You actually have no idea how to CONTROL your power whatsoever. Which makes things very difficult for trolls close to you.

You're really not sure how you're even still ALIVE. Somehow you have had the LUCK (or UNLUCK, as you would tend to call it) to somehow find trolls who care about you enough to want to PROTECT YOU. Right now that is just your MOIRAIL, whose hive you live in and who built you ROBOTIC HANDS. He even feeds you through IVs because eating makes you panic. He's really the only troll you've got who actually still likes you, mainly because you are COCKY and COMPLETELY FULL OF YOURSELF. You have far too much pride for somebody of your caste, and nothing that has happened to you so far has really done anything to cut your pride down. You haven't seen your lusus, LYNXMOM, ever since you moved out, but you don't really miss her. She was never around when you were young, and the two of you used to make a point of avoiding each other as much as possible.

You fight with the KNIFEKIND specibus, preferring to use an easily-concealable swtichblade. Fighting is usually your last resort, as you aren't very strong and fights with you tend to be really one-sided. You're really amazed and rather disappointed that you aren't DEAD yet.

Your trolltag is superiorSculptor and you tend to make your hIgh opInIon of yourSELF known.

tl;dr
Name: Alscia Chioni
Age: Seven Sweeps
Gender: Female
Height: 5'11"
Blood Color: Dark Red (#550000)
Trolltag: superiorSculptor
Quirk: Capitalizes ME, MYSELF, and I. No other capitalization, only punctuation is periods.
Lusus: Lynx
Specibus: knifeKind
Modus: sculpty
Title: Maid of Light
Land: Land of Gust and Sun

Gonna try submitting one of my oldest trolls. Alscia was my second fantroll and she's been through a lot (of changes) since her inception.
I should mention for anyone who doesn't know me that Alscia's dramatic, tortured backstory wasn't originally backstory, and all of the bad stuff that happened to her came through roleplay.

Also I feel like I forgot something in her profile and I can't figure out what it is. Go nuts, be as harsh as you'd like.

Hah. Never expected to see me here again did you?

[Roleplaying Tumblr]
[Image: Kattgroup.gif]
floaties by overlard!
Reply
07-28-2013, 06:09 AM
Post: #91
RE: Trollslum Critique Thread
(07-28-2013 01:12 AM)Hayarp Wrote:  [Image: EyesNeutral.png][Image: WithEyesMini.png]

Your name is ALSCIA CHIONI and you NEVER SEEM TO LEARN FROM YOUR MISTAKES.

Namely, you still have not learned HUMILITY. You are a lowly DARK REDBLOOD, the lowest of the low, yet you insist upon being treated with RESPECT by other trolls, even highbloods. Naturally, that's gotten you into a lot of trouble ever since you first left your hive when you were six sweeps old. Cocky redbloods are trouble magnets, apparently, and the past sweep or so has felt like a string of different tortures. As a result of various PUNISHMENTS by highbloods you have angered, you have had your EYES removed, your HANDS cut off, and various SCARS cut into most of your body. You are absolutely TERRIFIED of highbloods though you try to hide this the best you can, and you particularly fear indigobloods, even more so subjugglators.

Where's the age?" I know a later paragraph describes why she's still alive, but perhaps it should be moved it up here. Otherwise people will wonder how she's still alive for half the profile.

You have few INTERESTS lately. You used to love to READ, and your passion was SCULPTING ever since you were a young wriggler. For a while, you made a lot of caegars from selling your work. Being blind for so long and unable to feel any sensation due to your robotic hands made you fall a bit out of practice, but you're hoping to get good again. You frequent PESTERCHUM and the INTERNET, though you don't really do much online other than read. Now that you finally have your sight back, you can actually READ again.

Most trolls have at least 3 interests, and personally I don't count pesterchum browsing as one. Perhaps an interest that relates to her sculpting love? Maybe she likes art as a whole?

You have a POWER, which you call CRYOKINESIS. It actually has nothing to do with ice manipulation, but you think using that term for it sounds cool. You make everything around you very COLD, a sort of specialized telekinesis that involves slowing down molecules. You don't actually know how it works because you weren't schoolfed long enough to know what molecules even are, but you know how to use it. Sort of. You actually have no idea how to CONTROL your power whatsoever. Which makes things very difficult for trolls close to you.

How cold? Is there a defined limit? Because I sure hope she doesn't go as low as absolute zero. How does making the air around her so damn cold affect her personally? I can see she wears clothing specifically to keep her warm at least.

You're really not sure how you're even still ALIVE. Somehow you have had the LUCK (or UNLUCK, as you would tend to call it) to somehow find trolls who care about you enough to want to PROTECT YOU. Right now that is just your MOIRAIL, whose hive you live in and who built you ROBOTIC HANDS. He even feeds you through IVs because eating makes you panic. He's really the only troll you've got who actually still likes you, mainly because you are COCKY and COMPLETELY FULL OF YOURSELF. You have far too much pride for somebody of your caste, and nothing that has happened to you so far has really done anything to cut your pride down. You haven't seen your lusus, LYNXMOM, ever since you moved out, but you don't really miss her. She was never around when you were young, and the two of you used to make a point of avoiding each other as much as possible.

Does she dislike her lusus for neglecting her? Also, a lack of solid foods would affect you eventually, I'm sure. Research how it affects normal people and implement that into her character as well.

You fight with the KNIFEKIND specibus, preferring to use an easily-concealable switchblade. Fighting is usually your last resort, as you aren't very strong and fights with you tend to be really one-sided. You're really amazed and rather disappointed that you aren't DEAD yet. If she's disappointed, why doesn't she just throw herself off a cliff and be done with it?

Your trolltag is superiorSculptor and you tend to make your hIgh opInIon of yourSELF known.


The biggest problem I can see is why anyone would ever let her live, ever. If her moirail isn't protecting her 24/7, I'm sure a highblood would eventually crack down on her and kill her. You make it sound like she wants to die, so what's stopping her from doing the deed herself? Is her moirail just watching her like a hawk at every second of every night?

Other than that, she doesn't have many problems. She seems like a character that has actually paid the price for their personality, only it seems at this point they're running out of things to pay with. You actually did forget to put the age in the main profile (I double checked to be sure) and what she thinks of the hemospectrum as well.

Oh! And she needs a fetch modus in the main profile. I can see it in the TL;DR from here, but still.



tl;dr
Name: Alscia Chioni
Age: Seven Sweeps
Gender: Female
Height: 5'11"
Blood Color: Dark Red (#550000)
Trolltag: superiorSculptor
Quirk: Capitalizes ME, MYSELF, and I. No other capitalization, only punctuation is periods.
Lusus: Lynx
Specibus: knifeKind
Modus: sculpty
Title: Maid of Light
Land: Land of Gust and Sun

Gonna try submitting one of my oldest trolls. Alscia was my second fantroll and she's been through a lot (of changes) since her inception.
I should mention for anyone who doesn't know me that Alscia's dramatic, tortured backstory wasn't originally backstory, and all of the bad stuff that happened to her came through roleplay.

Also I feel like I forgot something in her profile and I can't figure out what it is. Go nuts, be as harsh as you'd like.

We're committing REDRUM tonight.
The target is your troll.

Where we're going we don't need fancherubs
[Image: Argumi.gif][Image: Famynn.gif][Image: Genosi.gif][Image: Gaveyo.gif]
[Image: Floaty.gif][Image: Deveii.gif][Image: Portec.gif][Image: lrduwpk]
[Image: Yarrex.gif]
Silvy Wrote:(my mouth is made of money because every joke i tell is pure gold)
Ocfos Wrote:[3:58:25 PM] Ocfos: Yes it is.
[4:02:07 PM] Ocfos: Breeding solve everything.
[4:02:15 PM] Ocfos: Just look at Africa.
[4:02:25 PM] Ocfos: Need help feeding the children? Get more.
[4:02:46 PM] Ocfos: Tell them to feed them.
[4:03:20 PM] Ocfos: And then you hvve a regurgilating suorce of energy
Reply
07-29-2013, 08:25 PM (This post was last modified: 07-29-2013 08:30 PM by Teslamagnetic Integration.)
Post: #92
RE: Trollslum Critique Thread
Gonna toss this guy up on the chopping block. Wanna make sure I can work out the flaws and kinks. Just to be safe.



[Image: kzhq.png]

You are now LEIRAN DURERE, and you honestly couldn't really care how you're seen as presented. You tend to go with the flow of things.

A simple peasant redblood of 8 sweeps, you don't have much going for you on the hemospectrum. You're dirt, and you know it. You understand it, and you also wholly accept it. That's just the system for you. That's how it works. You're not one to object when something is written in stone and made autonomous. You just ride the ride, so to speak.

You especially rode when you were brought under fire for killing a highblood simply because you felt it necessary. Originally planned to be culled for your "hemorebellious" nature, you instead were brought under a worse fate: being a slave. Your lusus was slain by theirs, and your hive with your belongings ultimately destroyed. You're often very busy, having little time for personal life and hobbies due to constantly cleaning and cooking for your owner. You live in their hive, and don't always get to sleep in a recuperacoon if you don't put up as much quality as demanded. This stress has nearly killed you before, forcing you to find an outlet through personal smoking. You like it, in truth. Dangerous to everyone, not just you, without moderation. The simple and small, yet surprisingly complex way it's made and designed. The click of a lighter and the fizz of the burn the fire gives it. The inhaling and exhaling of the heat. The blunting of the edge life loves to give you. You are, admittedly, quite addicted to it; yet even still, you must moderate it.

The small pockets when you do have time to yourself, you engage in the one main hobby you had before your unfortunate fate. You often find books to read, and engage in poetry for passing the time when on break and not smoking. Words intrigue you, with a way that's quite difficult to describe--and so you learn them so you can. The very way a single word can have multiple meanings, depth, action, accent, and even weight; it's compelling. So compelling that you feel you should become embodied with such spirit. As such, your vocabulary is largely higher than most you know, shocking many a highblood and royal due to your lowly stature and nature of social caste. You don't speak too much unless you really feel necessary, often adding a lot of weight to your words. However, you've become a personal fan of philosophy, and as a result talking with you tends to irritate others when they just want small talk you'd rather not deal with. You think words have worth and cost. Wasting them on something obvious or things that don't need to be said irritates you. You'd rather speak when you have to. Let actions write the story--let you be the narrator.

You feel the only way to get quadrants of any kind and survive in this world is to be cool. As such, you often delve in a little foreign languages to add more weight to your words through witty and "cool" one-liners. While you personally think you look and sound amazing with them, in truth you know full well you look and act like a total dork. Well, better than seeming prudish or naive, you suppose. Lesser willed trolls avoid you, saving you a lot of trouble. If only you also didn't push everyone else away with how you are.

Your trolltag is encientRaconteur, and "Singlet: You notate your sentences to keep check on your word choice, sic."

tl;dr:
Name: Leiran Durere
Blood colour/Hex: Red [A00103]
Gender: Male
Age: 8 sweeps
TrollTag: encientRaconteur
Quirk: "Couplet: Notates the number of sentences used as poetry stanzas. Often uses latin for one-liners or small phrasing."
Strife Specibus: bladeKind (ko-katana)
Fetch Modus: Category
Lusus: Fulgurmoth Stag (dead)
Interests: Literature, poetry, philosophy, word-play, etc.
*God Tier: N/A
*Game Land: N/A
Reply
07-30-2013, 03:29 AM
Post: #93
RE: Trollslum Critique Thread
Hm, well I'll give it a shot.

(07-29-2013 08:25 PM)Teslamagnetic Integration Wrote:  Gonna toss this guy up on the chopping block. Wanna make sure I can work out the flaws and kinks. Just to be safe.



[Image: kzhq.png]

You are now LEIRAN DURERE, and you honestly couldn't really care how you're seen as presented. You tend to go with the flow of things.

A simple peasant redblood of 8 sweeps, you don't have much going for you on the hemospectrum. You're dirt, and you know it. You understand it, and you also wholly accept it. That's just the system for you. That's how it works. You're not one to object when something is written in stone and made autonomous. You just ride the ride, so to speak.

--- You especially rode when you were brought under fire for killing a highblood simply because you felt it necessary.---

This isn't really problematic, per se, but it would be interesting to have a little bit more specification on why he felt it necessary to do so. Not much, but a mention of the circumstances might expand on his character further, like whether he was defending himself or it was provoked, or he attacked first because he was worried that the seadweller was planning something...

This part in particular is mostly up to you. You can expound upon the incident or leave it vague, depending on what you plan to do with the character.


---Originally planned to be culled for it, your "hemorebellious" nature, you instead were brought under a worse fate: being a slave. Your lusus was slain by theirs, and your hive with your belongings ultimately destroyed.---

This part could do with being more specific, definitely. It may be a good idea to mention who the people or person enacting these punishments was. Is this some nameless law enforcement who is penalizing? Is it some random highblood who happened to be privy to the incident? Is it a friend or quadrant of Leiran's "victim"? This information probably should be explained about his owner as well. Even an offhand remark regarding the relation to the actual victim would be nice, as well as clarification as to whether his owner and his accuser are the same person.

The specifics also goes for whose lusus was doing the slaying, as well. It's not entirely clear if it's the accuser's, the victim's, or the owner's lusus who does this, and it's just a tad confusing. For this stuff in particular, it's probably better to be slightly less vague and mention these few details about these trolls so that it's less confusing. Obviously, you don't need to name names or anything, but just clearing up who is doing these things is a good idea.


You're often very busy, having little time for personal life and hobbies due to constantly cleaning and cooking for your owner. You live in their hive, and don't always get to sleep in a recuperacoon if you don't put up as much quality as demanded. This stress has nearly killed you before, forcing you to find an outlet through personal smoking. You like it, in truth. Dangerous to everyone, not just you, without moderation. The simple and small, yet surprisingly complex way it's made and designed. The click of a lighter and the fizz of the burn the fire gives it. The inhaling and exhaling of the heat. The blunting of the edge life loves to give you. You are, admittedly, quite addicted to it; yet even still, you must moderate it.

The small pockets when you do have time to yourself, you engage in the one main hobby you had before your unfortunate fate. You often find books to read, and engage in poetry for passing the time when on break and not smoking. Words intrigue you, with a way that's quite difficult to describe--and so you learn them so you can. The very way a single word can have multiple meanings, depth, action, accent, and even weight; it's compelling. So compelling that you feel you should become embodied with such spirit. As such, your vocabulary is largely higher than most you know, shocking many a highblood and royal due to your lowly stature and nature of social caste. You don't speak too much unless you really feel necessary, often adding a lot of weight to your words. However, you've become a personal fan of philosophy, and as a result talking with you tends to irritate others when they just want small talk you'd rather not deal with. You think words have worth and cost. Wasting them on something obvious or things that don't need to be said irritates you. You'd rather speak when you have to. Let actions write the story--let you be the narrator.

You feel the only way to get quadrants of any kind and survive in this world is to be cool. As such, you often delve in a little foreign languages to add more weight to your words through witty and "cool" one-liners. While you personally think you look and sound amazing with them, in truth you know full well you look and act like a total dork. Well, better than seeming prudish or naive, you suppose. Lesser willed trolls avoid you, saving you a lot of trouble. If only you also didn't push everyone else away with how you are.

Your trolltag is encientRaconteur, and "Singlet: You notate your sentences to keep check on your word choice, sic."

Not sure if it's intentional, but you forgot to say what his modus and specibus are in the profile proper. They are in the tl;dr, but it's just a good idea to include them in the last segment with the trolltag. Lusus information could also be included within the profile as well, but due to its deceased nature I'll leave that up to you as to whether it's necessary to include it or not.

tl;dr:
Name: Leiran Durere
Blood colour/Hex: Red [A00103]
Gender: Male
Age: 8 sweeps
TrollTag: encientRaconteur
Quirk: "Couplet: Notates the number of sentences used as poetry stanzas. Often uses latin for one-liners or small phrasing."
Strife Specibus: bladeKind (ko-katana)
Fetch Modus: Category
Lusus: Fulgurmoth Stag (dead)
Interests: Literature, poetry, philosophy, word-play, etc.
*God Tier: N/A
*Game Land: N/A

There isn't really anything wrong with it that's readily apparent to me. Other than having the kinks noted, it's pretty damn good imo. A tad wordy at times, but that really seems like it's part of the character and fits well into the profile. All the things I mentioned were just a few things about vagueness and minor issues, so you're fairly good to go as far as I can see?

Crits in red, spelling in blue as usual, I guess.

QUOTES!
[19:23:14] Overlard: my mouth is not a doily

---

[2:42] Toots McButt: Ol wins
My dick in his butt
[2:43] Overlard: I've had worse.
[2:43] Toots McButt: You haven't had a seven foot long dick
[2:43] Overlard: That sounds like it should kill you

---

[1:39:01 PM] Neo: Like a great man once said:
[1:39:09 PM] Nory: my mom got matching dresses for me and her to wear

---

[2:53:44 AM] Dudemaster47: shaniqua stop it ur dragging ur polygamy in2 this chat
[2:53:44 AM] •The Silvster•: and my real life actual wife ™ is my friend asia
[2:53:47 AM] •The Silvster•: GOD
[2:53:50 AM] •The Silvster•: DONT CALL ME BY MY NAME
[2:53:52 AM] •The Silvster•: THATS AWKWARD

---

[4:59:57 AM] Dudemaster47: tbh I’m p. sure my parents can’t wait to kick me out once I’ve finished college and somehow managed to put some money behind me
[5:00:28 AM] The Necromancer: atleast your wasted, DM

---

[9:08:26 PM] Beren: ugh o'v en been tiered i'm sorr for not post ig if were waiting me silcypoo

---

[9:04 PM] Dudemaster47: yes im doing a sandwich at this very moment

---

[2:26:32 AM] Skvira: I play with myself for 5 minutes then kill you
[2:26:48 AM] Dudemaster47: that sounds serial killer-ish

Reply
07-30-2013, 05:39 PM
Post: #94
RE: Trollslum Critique Thread
(06-04-2013 08:01 AM)Overlard Wrote:  ===> Be Noble

[Image: ls2u4zp]

Your name is GATIOR VERDAN and you’re NOT to be messed with. You’re EIGHT solar sweeps old, with ROYAL BLOOD (#960e85) putting you above all of those filthy lowbloods.

As a SEADWELLER, your hive is placed safely underwater. The area is utterly unremarkable, save for the large amount of sea fauna that enjoy populating the place. Prying sea stars off your windows has become a regular ritual, aside from collecting the JUNK that regularly floats down to your home. this is worded really weird. "Prying sea stars off your windows has become a regular ritual for you, as well as collecting the JUNK that regularly floats down to your home" is probably the best way I can think of to put it while leaving most of your wording intact. Also, why does so much fauna collect in a place with so much pollution?

Your SWORDFISH custodian, however, has no time for collecting pollution. He’s far too busy pressing you into being the BEST seadweller there ever was. However, your frame is unfortunately a bit too frail to function as a common fighter as he would want. Instead, he’s been forced to make you think more strategically. Admittedly, it’s not his strong suit, and you’re really wondering how his “run right at them and swing a big sharp thing” strategy would work in a way that wouldn’t get you killed. Is Gatior any good at strategy on his own? Nevertheless, he has bred into you a sense of Noblesse Oblige. Of course, the meaning of this varies from seadweller to seadweller.

In your case, it means OPPRESSING all those filthy land dwellers who get in your way. Your DUTY is to make sure nobody gets any ideas of rebellion in their heads and to make sure they know who to kneel before. Every troll who dwells on land must be checked for loyalty, all the way up to indigo bloods. Your methods for testing vary, but you refuse to be ignored! Being not at all physically imposing has its disadvantages, though. This seems problematic. If he tries to oppress a troll with a rebellious streak who is stronger than him, what happens? Has it happened yet?

For this reason, you’ve taken up FENCING against your lusus. It’s not quite the same as fighting other trolls, and the slowed speed of movement underwater certainly doesn’t help, but it has helped you learn to be a fair bit more agile. To be honest, you’re not even sure if you could kill a troll with one of the tiny little fencing swords you’ve got. You mostly just use it for intimidation. I'm not sure how intimidating "tiny little fencing swords" are.

You also like to play BOARD GAMES of all kinds, but especially ones that actually involve the use of thought. You especially enjoy the MURDER MYSTERY kinds, the ones where the only thing that matters is the mind. Those brawny types may be able to win at things like arm wrestling and brawling, but you’re still the master of the more important domains! You mostly focus on the murder-y stuff because it makes you feel like a super smart coolguy when you solve the crime, which is a lot better than the usual image people attach to you: A stuck up, arrogant fencing dork. wait why does he like mysteries it's like not explained at all

Lastly, you’ve been known to engage in more FORMAL PRACTICES, such as attending seadweller ballroom events, which are incidentally a great way to get a knife in the back. You consider it the job of every seadweller to present themselves as best they can, and that definitely means showing class far above that of the filthy lowbloods. Fine dining, formal dancing, everything must be perfectly practiced and correctly done. A single mistake is usually enough to make you start blowing a gasket.

Your fetch modus is POLLUTION. All cards are coated in “seascum” and various other irritants. To retrieve a card, one must vigorously ‘scrub’ it until it is completely clean, and then the item may be retrieved.

Your strife specibus is swordKind, but you’re only skilled with the fencing sabre. Hopefully someone is patient enough to die a death of a thousand cuts.

Your trolltag is aristocraticallyElegant and you “H&ve &lw&ys been super^or.

TL;DR
Name: Gatior Verdan
Age: 8 sweeps
Blood: Purple (#960e85) Hue 307
Trolltag: aristocraticallyElegant
Quirk: a/A = & (He thinks it looks far more sleek), i/I = ^, and = &
Strife specibus: swordKind
Fetch modus: Pollution
Lusus: Swordfish
Height: 5'7"
Weight: 135 lbs.

Overall not too much I can say about this guy other than minor nitpicks. Good job.

nerd. crits in red. spelling/grammar in blue.

Hah. Never expected to see me here again did you?

[Roleplaying Tumblr]
[Image: Kattgroup.gif]
floaties by overlard!
Reply
07-30-2013, 05:49 PM
Post: #95
RE: Trollslum Critique Thread
[Image: tumblr_inline_mg8nj929e01qg9t2t.png][Image: tumblr_m9t6o0PTYF1qh9j9jo2_250.png]

Your name is SILVER APELLE and you like to think you're REALLY COOL. Though whats cool about a 7 1/2 SWEEP-OLD JADEBLOOD who has a tendency to LIE about almost anything? Everything, thats what.
Something you won't lie about though, is your LUSUS, who happens to be the BEST, REALLY OVERPROTECTIVE, IRRITATING lusus ever, who actually BUMS YOU OUT a little. She happens to be a fairly large SCREECHDEVIL (or at least thats what you like to call her, she's actually just a giant HOOTBEAST.) who likes to be called MOMMA BUBO. She currently resides within your HIVE, which is big enough to support both you and her, and just the right size for a JADE like yourself. It's actually nothing really impressive at all. Really messy, paint, feathers, and newspaper clippings all over the place, it's a dump. But that's cool with you, you happen to like those things.

PAINTING and DRAWING are your two main interests, as seen by the state of your HIVE (and your CLOTHES most of the time. You're a very messy painter). You enjoy painting the SUNRISE, a sight you have only witnessed once for a fraction of a second (a sight that caused your eyesight to be less than stellar), most of all, but alongside that you're also fond of painting HISTORICAL FIGURES and REBELLIOUS LEADERS, as well as your favorite subject of all, the CONDESCE.

Your love of HISTORY is what had influenced such paintings, of course. You just really love you some good old fashioned REBELLIONS that are SMASHED under the CONDESCES mighty, yet lovely, fist. It's really great to read about all these old FLEET GENERALS and leaders, and you know it can be DANGEROUS to look up all these REBELLIONS, but, you really don't care anymore. They're inspiring! They make you want to work on your fighting skills more so that you'll make it to the FLEET yourself.

Which you won't. Not that you're not strong enough, you do have your almighty BROOMKIND to help whap some idiots upside the head. You just won't ever get any QUADRANTS. That's your big issue. Almost 8 sweeps and youve yet to feel a single thing for ANYONE. AT ALL. It's probably just all in your head, or maybe it's because you LIE so much (really, you're pretty much a compulsive liar at this point), you've started to think that you're lying to yourself when you think you might feel something for someone. You don't care, really, anymore.

You use the time you've got left to just goof around, really! That's all you do. You goof around on the internet, you goof around with your FETCH MODUS (which happens to be known as 'You-just-store-things-in-your-hair-because-you-can', or the HAIR MODUS), you goof around on the internet some more and then you goof around with TROLLIAN.

Your trollian is tumblingPigments, and you're p gosh darned relaxed in every way ya speak, and you aint got no time ta even bother keepin it consistant, its p great. ya also have a tendency ta ramble a bit, and takl real fast so yer words get kinda jumbled up!!!!!!!!!!!

TL; DR
Name: Silver Apelle
Blood colour/Hex: Jade (#0B8B5A)
Gender: Female
Age: 7 1/2 sweeps
TrollTag: tumblingPigments
Quirk: real big drawl, don even bother ta finish half th shit she says, lies all the god damned time
Strife Specibus: B-b-b-b-broomkind
Fetch Modus: HAIR MODUS - she basically shoves things in her hair and hopes for the best
Lusus: Giant great-horned owl named Momma Bubo
Title: Knight of Breath
Land: Land of Mirrors and Spirits
Quadrants: N/A


Here overlard. do your thing. (or well anyone i guess)

[Image: tumblr_ml7wpd3B3Z1qh9j9jo6_250.png]
Reply
07-30-2013, 05:50 PM
Post: #96
RE: Trollslum Critique Thread
(06-04-2013 08:01 AM)Overlard Wrote:  ===> Be Noble

[Image: ls2u4zp]

Your name is GATIOR VERDAN and you’re NOT to be messed with. You’re EIGHT solar sweeps old, with ROYAL BLOOD (#960e85) putting you above all of those filthy lowbloods.

As a SEADWELLER, your hive is placed safely underwater. The area is utterly unremarkable, save for the large amount of sea fauna that enjoy populating the place. Prying sea stars off your windows has become a regular ritual, aside from collecting the JUNK that regularly floats down to your home.

I see no problem with this, But if I were to be nit picky I'd ask you to have a bit explaining how far from the shore his hive is. But that's just me"

Your SWORDFISH custodian, however, has no time for collecting pollution. He’s far too busy pressing you into being the BEST seadweller there ever was. However, Your frame is unfortunately a bit too frail to function as a common fighter as he would want. Instead, he’s been forced to make you think more strategically. Admittedly, it’s not his strong suit, and you’re really wondering how his “run right at them and swing a big sharp thing” strategy would work in a way that wouldn’t get you killed. Nevertheless, he has bred into you a sense of Nobleness Oblige. Of course, the meaning of this varies from seadweller to seadweller.

In your case, it means OPPRESSING all those filthy land dwellers who get in your way. Your DUTY is to make sure nobody gets any ideas of rebellion in their heads and to make sure they know who to kneel before. Every troll who dwells on land must be checked for loyalty, all the way up to indigo bloods. Your methods for testing vary, but you refuse to be ignored! Being not at all physically imposing has its disadvantages, though.

Me nit picking again, you say his methods vary but could we have some examples?

For this reason, you’ve taken up FENCING against your lusus. It’s not quite the same as fighting other trolls, and the slowed speed of movement underwater certainly doesn’t help, but it has helped you learn to be a fair bit more agile. To be honest, you’re not even sure if you could kill a troll with one of the tiny little fencing swords you’ve got. You mostly just use it for intimidation.

I've taken fencing and I think that fencing swords can do quite some damage to a person, but that's more an opinion from experience.

You also like to play BOARD GAMES of all kinds, but especially ones that actually involve the use of thought. You especially enjoy the MURDER MYSTERY kinds, the ones where the only thing that matters is the mind. Those brawny types may be able to win at things like arm wrestling and brawling, but you’re still the master of the more important domains! You mostly focus on the murder-y stuff because it makes you feel like a super smart coolguy when you solve the crime, which is a lot better than the usual image people attach to you: A stuck up, arrogant fencing dork.

Probably more nit picking even if he likes brainy board games, how well does he do in them. I get it'd be better then games of muscle but does that mean he always wins? Or that compared to muscle baised games he does really good on brainy board games.

Lastly, you’ve been known to engage in more FORMAL PRACTICES, such as attending seadweller ballroom events, which are incidentally a great way to get a knife in the back. You consider it the job of every seadweller to present themselves as best they can, and that definitely means showing class far above that of the filthy lowbloods. Fine dining, formal dancing, everything must be perfectly practiced and correctly done. A single mistake is usually enough to make you start blowing a gasket.

Does these practices leak into every day goings about? Does him eatting at home have the same standards as these fine dinning events?

Your fetch modus is POLLUTION. All cards are coated in “seascum” and various other irritants. To retrieve a card, one must vigorously ‘scrub’ it until it is completely clean, and then the item may be retrieved.

How does he feel about having to clean the cards? Did he pick it himself and he enjoys it?

Your strife specibus is swordKind, but you’re only skilled with the fencing sabre. Hopefully someone is patient enough to die a death of a thousand cuts.

Again I think that a fencing sabre is quite effective, it's not a slicing weapon it's better as stabbing weapon though.

Your trolltag is aristocraticallyElegant and you “H&ve &lw&ys been super^or.

TL;DR
Name: Gatior Verdan
Age: 8 sweeps
Blood: Purple (#960e85) Hue 307
Trolltag: aristocraticallyElegant
Quirk: a/A = & (He thinks it looks far more sleek), i/I = ^, and = &
Strife specibus: swordKind
Fetch modus: Pollution
Lusus: Swordfish
Height: 5'7"
Weight: 135 lbs.
Crit in red, spelling in blue (if the spelling is wrong then my bad I've never been great at spelling and just use google chromes auto correct)


It's a very well done troll, I feel I mostly nit picked on him since he's so well done.
Reply
07-30-2013, 05:51 PM
Post: #97
RE: Trollslum Critique Thread
(07-30-2013 05:49 PM)Silvy Wrote:  [Image: tumblr_inline_mg8nj929e01qg9t2t.png][Image: tumblr_m9t6o0PTYF1qh9j9jo2_250.png]

Your name is SILVER APELLE and you like to think you're REALLY COOL. Though whats cool about a 7 1/2 SWEEP-OLD JADEBLOOD who has a tendency to LIE about almost anything? Everything, thats what.
Something you won't lie about though, is your LUSUS, who happens to be the BEST, REALLY OVERPROTECTIVE, IRRITATING lusus ever, who actually BUMS YOU OUT a little. She happens to be a fairly large SCREECHDEVIL (or at least thats what you like to call her, she's actually just a giant HOOTBEAST.) who likes to be called MOMMA BUBO. She currently resides within your HIVE, which is big enough to support both you and her, and just the right size for a JADE like yourself. It's actually nothing really impressive at all. Really messy, paint, feathers, and newspaper clippings all over the place, it's a dump. But that's cool with you, you happen to like those things.

PAINTING and DRAWING are your two main interests, as seen by the state of your HIVE (and your CLOTHES most of the time. You're a very messy painter). You enjoy painting the SUNRISE, a sight you have only witnessed once for a fraction of a second (a sight that caused your eyesight to be less than stellar), most of all, but alongside that you're also fond of painting HISTORICAL FIGURES and REBELLIOUS LEADERS, as well as your favorite subject of all, the CONDESCE.

Your love of HISTORY is what had influenced such paintings, of course. You just really love you some good old fashioned REBELLIONS that are SMASHED under the CONDESCES mighty, yet lovely, fist. It's really great to read about all these old FLEET GENERALS and leaders, and you know it can be DANGEROUS to look up all these REBELLIONS, but, you really don't care anymore. They're inspiring! They make you want to work on your fighting skills more so that you'll make it to the FLEET yourself.

Which you won't. Not that you're not strong enough, you do have your almighty BROOMKIND to help whap some idiots upside the head. You just won't ever get any QUADRANTS. That's your big issue. Almost 8 sweeps and youve yet to feel a single thing for ANYONE. AT ALL. It's probably just all in your head, or maybe it's because you LIE so much (really, you're pretty much a compulsive liar at this point), you've started to think that you're lying to yourself when you think you might feel something for someone. You don't care, really, anymore.

You use the time you've got left to just goof around, really! That's all you do. You goof around on the internet, you goof around with your FETCH MODUS (which happens to be known as 'You-just-store-things-in-your-hair-because-you-can', or the HAIR MODUS), you goof around on the internet some more and then you goof around with TROLLIAN.

Your trollian is tumblingPigments, and you're p gosh darned relaxed in every way ya speak, and you aint got no time ta even bother keepin it consistant, its p great. ya also have a tendency ta ramble a bit, and takl real fast so yer words get kinda jumbled up!!!!!!!!!!!
All Gay

TL; DR
Name: Silver Apelle
Blood colour/Hex: Jade (#0B8B5A)
Gender: Female
Age: 7 1/2 sweeps
TrollTag: tumblingPigments
Quirk: real big drawl, don even bother ta finish half th shit she says, lies all the god damned time
Strife Specibus: B-b-b-b-broomkind
Fetch Modus: HAIR MODUS - she basically shoves things in her hair and hopes for the best
Lusus: Giant great-horned owl named Momma Bubo
Title: Knight of Breath
Land: Land of Mirrors and Spirits
Quadrants: N/A


Here overlard. do your thing. (or well anyone i guess)

Crit in red, Silvy.
Reply
08-02-2013, 01:48 AM (This post was last modified: 08-02-2013 01:54 AM by The Necromancer.)
Post: #98
RE: Trollslum Critique Thread
I SURE HOPE THIS DOESN'T COUNT AS DOUBLE POSTS. NOT MY FAULT THIS SHITS DEAD.

I don't have a sprite yet. But once I find an artist whose hungry for some poorly written smut, I'll have one.
Samael Annapa

Your name is SAMAEL ANNAPA and you are 7.5 sweep old today! Too bad half WRIGGLINGDAYS don't count! Then again, real WRIGGLLINGDAYS don't mean anything to you either! Your BLOOD COLOR is CERULEAN and you are a curious troll. You reside north of the SWAMPS and east of the nearest CITY. You travel to both frequently on your small RIVERBOAT you made yourself. On your journey you try to educate TROLLS on the AFTERLIFE. The AFTERLIFE has always been a topic of both interest and curiosity to you. You do not fear it, but you also do not live in ignorance of it. Your duty to the AFTERLIFE doesn't end there. You also are a practiced UNDERTAKER. You make it your goal to perform SACRED RITES and BURNINGS of all corpses you come across lest they RISE UP FROM THEIR GRAVES. Unlike other DEATH obsessed TROLLS you don't mean to CULL in great quantities. You simply wish to prepare TROLLS for their UNTIMELY DEMISE. Your opinion on theHEMOSPECTRUM is the same as how you feel about DEATH, it's a part of life. Though, you choose to mask yourself as to lessen the bias of BOTH ENDS OF THE SPECTRUM.

You also have found a fondness for certain activities in your travels. You've gotten pretty good at GAMES of the TRADITIONAL variety. Ones meant to be played between TWO TROLLS. When in your lonesome on your RIVER travels, you've taken to playing music with the BONES instrument.

Your strifespecibus is LAMPKIND. Specifically the LAMP you use to guide your RIVERBOAT. Not only does it guide the RIVERBOAT but it double for your modus. You guide your inventory out and into the plain of existence. Your troll tag is guidedFerryman and you e☠emPlIfy your devotIon to the afteRlIfe.

The only important quote ever. Thanks to Silvy.
Quote:[6:46:52 PM] Kinky Kaity.: jokes on you i am a snobby elitist cunt
Quote:[6:31:58 PM] •Silvdexter•: prove that you are the patties daddy
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08-02-2013, 02:37 AM (This post was last modified: 08-02-2013 05:22 AM by Dudemaster47.)
Post: #99
RE: Trollslum Critique Thread
Well, I also got a new troll ready for everything, and I think she's pretty good but I know the profile is probably rough and could use someone else to run a finely tuned eye over it and make sure it's alright. So, without further ado...

>Be the totally trustworthy troll

[Image: S4VFuYu.png][Image: fjk66V6.png]
Your name is ATMANI EIDOLA, and you are ALWAYS honest.

It's practically your biggest fault. You COULDN'T tell a lie even if YOU WANTED TO. Hell, you're not even sure you're capable of LYING. You're TOTALLY OUTGOING, and absolutely NOT EVASIVE AT ALL. You're NOT EVEN SURE why you hide your blood! It's probably because you THINK IT'S NOT THAT IMPORTANT, really? Your lusus BERATES you for being a SLOB and oh did you mention you HATE MAGIC TRICKS? They're just big old con games, and conning people is so deceitful and...mean! You HATE it!

............

Okay, that's actually total and utter bullshit. Let's try this again.

>Be the compulsive liar
Your name is ATMANI EIDOLA, and YOU WOULDN'T KNOW WHAT HONESTY WAS IF IT BIT YOU IN YOUR 6-SWEEP-OLD ASS.

Let's just get this out of the way first: You are a FANTASTIC liar, and you aren't afraid to use this skill to your benefit. Well, sort of. You actually have trouble NOT lying to people. This rings especially true when people ask about personal things, even if they're minor. Honestly, you don't like sharing personal information, anyway. No one needs to know shit about you, at least other than your name and how to contact you, maybe. Unfortunately, you have a bit of difficulty keeping track of your lies, and generally can only maintain one while it's the current subject of conversation. Also unfortunately, this means that you can end up being COMPLETELY AND TOTALLY INCONSISTENT WITH YOUR OWN STORIES, especially if asked the same question twice or if talking to the same person at different times. Still, if someone accuses you of lying, you steadfastly deny it.

For as long as you can remember, you've always had a fascination with the art of PHOTOGRAPHY. In fact, you're so into it that you're almost always snapping pictures of things and storing them in your SCRAPBOOKS. From things such as the people you meet to pictures of your hive and lusus, hell, to just random stuff you see on the street, you take pictures of EVERYTHING and label the pictures religiously. Most of the time you use a Polaroid camera, but you also like to use a nicer camera for more ARTISTIC endeavors. Obviously, you only use ANALOG cameras, and utterly refuse to use any kind of digital camera, much like any REAL photographer would. Other than photography and your almost religious habit of scrapbooking EVERYTHING, you also enjoy doing various hivework. Your lusus taught you the importance of keeping a clean hive at a very young age, and it always stuck with you. While you don't obsessively clean things when outside of your home, you do prefer things to be clean and will usually wipe things like tables or chairs off with sanitary wipes quickly just to ensure their cleanliness. Along with keeping yourself and your hive clean, your lusus also taught you how to cook, something that grew into a daily activity that you enjoy more than anything else. You like to think of yourself as an EXCEPTIONALLY GOOD COOK, and almost exclusively prepare your own meals.

You have an interest in performing MAGIC TRICKS, especially those involving SLEIGHT OF HAND. Occasionally, you even try to WOW others by making mundane objects DISAPPEAR! Your favorite props to use for these tricks are CAPTCHA CARDS, especially those belonging to anyone who happens to be in your "audience", so to speak. Of course, this is actually an excuse to STEAL THEIR BELONGINGS. You don't just take their stuff and run, though. You even hand them everything back! They just don't notice that anything is missing until you're long gone. You are also something of an ACCOMPLISHED PICKPOCKET, and are liable to outright take things from other people if you deem it safe to do so. You also use sleight of hand for various other purposes, such as hiding your blood from others by using dye packs and "cutting your hand" to make it appear that you are bleeding. You only do this if they refuse to believe the random color that you spew out when asked and are determined to force it out of you, though. There's no need to go to extreme measures when you don't have to, after all.

To most other people, you tend to come off as SHY. You usually speak fairly quietly, especially around higher bloods...and people who are overly enthusiastic. Other than your constant lying, you are somewhat POLITE and RESPECTFUL. You suffer from POOR MEMORY, although you're fairly sure it wasn't always so bad. You think things started to get kinda hazy at SOME POINT IN THE PAST, after...SOMETHING HAPPENED. You're not sure what, though. You have an easier time recalling things if you have images of them, as well as notes referencing what happened, but it's not foolproof and you tend to FORGET THINGS AS SOON AS THEY ARE NO LONGER RELEVANT if you don't record them through some means. You also have difficulty TRUSTING PEOPLE WITH INFORMATION, and as such prefer to LIE ABOUT YOURSELF than take chances and accidentally reveal something that might be dangerous for other people to know. It doesn't really help that your memory creates a need to FILL IN THE BLANKS sometimes, but...well...anyway. You aren't very fond of fighting, and try to avoid it whenever possible. Of course, this is a difficult task, especially for an anonymous troll on Alternia, so you try to DISORIENT and OVERWHELM opponents through various means, and then flee for your life. If you need to, you will resort to violent methods of subduing an opponent, but that's only if you ABSOLUTELY HAVE TO.

You're capable of psionics, too! You are able to psionically create TWO INCORPOREAL DUPLICATES OF YOURSELF. It's a power that you use to great effect, due to the fact that the duplicates are VIRTUALLY IDENTICAL TO YOU. They are even capable of vocalizing and producing sound! You are able to control their movements and even have a vague awareness of their surroundings as well, as they tend to DISAPPEAR when they RUN INTO SOLID OBJECTS. Although...it's actually really hard to control three bodies simultaneously, so you have them MIMIC EVERYTHING YOU DO SIMULTANEOUS TO YOUR DOING IT, albeit moving in different direction. While this restricts you to more pattern-like movement, it's purpose of CONFUSION AND MISDIRECTION still serves you very well.

Your lusus is a SMALL 3-TAILED FOX, who you lovingly named KITTY. You actually forget why you named her Kitty, but YOU'RE PRETTY SURE IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH CATS. Your lusus has been your teacher for almost EVERYTHING, schoolfeeding you in the ways of PROPER HIVEHOLD MAINTENANCE, CULINARY EXCELLENCE, and the ARTS OF DECEPTION. She is also fluffy and adorable and you love her forever. Your fetch modus is the POLYGRAPH MODUS, which requires you to pass a lie detector test to retrieve items. Should you fail, it ejects everything from your modus, but despite your almost constant lying you RARELY EVER FAIL. You actually have two strife specibi, cameraKind and knifeKind. You prefer to use cameraKind, using a special camera with an exceptionally bright flash bulb in conjunction with your power to blind and disorient opponents with flashes of light constantly coming from all sides. You also keep a spare chef's knife in your knifeKind specibus on the off-chance you need to use an actual weapon to defend yourself, as well as for some of your "MAGIC TRICKS". Your trolltag is darkroomDoppelganger and [1: y0u like T0 Preserve a TH0usand wOrds wiTHin a single frame].

If you were to play a CERTAIN GAME, you would be the KNIGHT OF HEART in the LAND OF GAMES AND MUSIC.
tl;dr
Name: Atmani Eidola
Blood: ???, uses #A0A0A0
Age: 6 Sweeps
Lusus: 3-Tailed Fox, named "Kitty"
Fetch Modus: Polygraph
Specibus: cameraKind, knifeKind
Trolltag: darkroomDoppelganger
Quirk: Encloses each sentence in a set of brackets. Each sentence starts with a number denominating when it comes in the post, first 3 O's are 0s, PHOTO is capitalized. As a side note, she will place any extra 0s at the end of the "frame" if there are less than 3 O's in a sentence, and the size of her text changes depending on who she is speaking to.
Title: Knight of Heart
Land: Land of Games and Music (LOGAM)

QUOTES!
[19:23:14] Overlard: my mouth is not a doily

---

[2:42] Toots McButt: Ol wins
My dick in his butt
[2:43] Overlard: I've had worse.
[2:43] Toots McButt: You haven't had a seven foot long dick
[2:43] Overlard: That sounds like it should kill you

---

[1:39:01 PM] Neo: Like a great man once said:
[1:39:09 PM] Nory: my mom got matching dresses for me and her to wear

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[2:53:44 AM] Dudemaster47: shaniqua stop it ur dragging ur polygamy in2 this chat
[2:53:44 AM] •The Silvster•: and my real life actual wife ™ is my friend asia
[2:53:47 AM] •The Silvster•: GOD
[2:53:50 AM] •The Silvster•: DONT CALL ME BY MY NAME
[2:53:52 AM] •The Silvster•: THATS AWKWARD

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[4:59:57 AM] Dudemaster47: tbh I’m p. sure my parents can’t wait to kick me out once I’ve finished college and somehow managed to put some money behind me
[5:00:28 AM] The Necromancer: atleast your wasted, DM

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[9:08:26 PM] Beren: ugh o'v en been tiered i'm sorr for not post ig if were waiting me silcypoo

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[9:04 PM] Dudemaster47: yes im doing a sandwich at this very moment

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[2:26:32 AM] Skvira: I play with myself for 5 minutes then kill you
[2:26:48 AM] Dudemaster47: that sounds serial killer-ish

Reply
08-02-2013, 05:25 AM
Post: #100
RE: Trollslum Critique Thread
(08-02-2013 01:48 AM)The Necromancer Wrote:  I don't have a sprite yet. But once I find an artist whose hungry for some poorly written smut, I'll have one.
Samael Annapa

Your name is SAMAEL ANNAPA and you are 7.5 sweep old today! Too bad half WRIGGLINGDAYS don't count! Then again, real WRIGGLLINGDAYS don't mean anything to you either! Your BLOOD COLOR is CERULEAN and you are a curious troll. You reside north of the SWAMPS and east of the nearest CITY. You travel to both frequently on your small RIVERBOAT you made yourself. On your journey you try to educate TROLLS on the AFTERLIFE. The AFTERLIFE has always been a topic of both interest and curiosity to you. You do not fear it, but you also do not live in ignorance of it. Your duty to the AFTERLIFE doesn't end there. You also are a practiced UNDERTAKER. You make it your goal to perform SACRED RITES and BURNINGS of all corpses you come across lest they RISE UP FROM THEIR GRAVES. Unlike other DEATH obsessed TROLLS you don't mean to CULL in great quantities. You simply wish to prepare TROLLS for their UNTIMELY DEMISE. Your opinion on theHEMOSPECTRUM is the same as how you feel about DEATH, it's a part of life. Though, you choose to mask yourself as to lessen the bias of BOTH ENDS OF THE SPECTRUM.

I get why someone would want to lessen a bias of the spectrum, but wouldn't going anon really only make everyone hate her? That sounds like more of a bias to me.

You also have found a fondness for certain activities in your travels. You've gotten pretty good at GAMES of the TRADITIONAL variety. Ones meant to be played between TWO TROLLS. When in your lonesome on your RIVER travels, you've taken to playing music with the BONES instrument.

I get it's trying to say she likes ghostly games, but maybe some examples would help? Telling me what she enjoys and an example would help, Also what exactly is the bones instrument?

Your strifespecibus is LAMPKIND. Specifically the LAMP you use to guide your RIVERBOAT. Not only does it guide the RIVERBOAT but it double for your modus. You guide your inventory out and into the plain of existence. Your troll tag is guidedFerryman and you e☠emPlIfy your devotIon to the afteRlIfe.

A very soild character, with a great premise. But this really doesn't say much about her personality, what is she like to talk to? Does she always talk about the afterlife when talking with others? Does she take breaks? Also what is her lusus?

Crit in orange, cause I want to be different.
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